Yoko Kanno

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Yoko Kanno (1337 - 20X6) is quite possibly the most famous Asian statesman in history, Yoko Kanno was nearly the Caeser of Russia, Western Ambassador of Awesome Music in Japan, and, less successfully, the official spokesman of Asia in Britain.

Kanno makes up one half of the KannOno Warmachine.

Early career[edit]

Kanno began her career humbly as professional wrestler under the name "Secret Asian Man". This was short-lived, however, as she was sued both by Ian Fleming and the original James Wong, Tommy Bo. In court, a split decision left Fleming with an altered character, renamed James Bond, and Yoko Kanno with the much dumber name of Mrs. Beatle. The blow was crushing, but served to lead her down a much more successful path.

A Change of Fortune[edit]

In humiliation, Kanno fled to her second home: Russia. There, she met Vlad the Lenin, distant cousin of Vlad the Impala and leader of the Bullshit Vets, a prominent Russian mob of Communists (followers of the philosophies of the Marx Brothers) in 1911. Since she was doing nothing at that moment, she agreed to join them, and this agreement would change her life. When World War I struck the Russian streets, the Communists saw their opportunity and performed a coup de grace on Russian Ceaser Rasputin. After quickly and easily deposing Rasputin with almost no effort, Lenin took his rightful place as the new Ceaser of Russia, a position that in Russia, according to Lenin, made him "bigger than Jesus." For good measure, he outlawed all Churches that didn't bow to him as their Lord as Master. After Lenin had fully crushed the Russian spirit, Kanno assassinated him to take his place.

Since the Bullshit Vets work like any respectable mob, choosing their new leader through a drag race, Kanno entered into the event. During registration, however, it was discovered that Kanno was female and therefore couldn't dress in drag. She was disqualified from the competition.

The Flight to Japan[edit]

Partially in humiliation that her secret was revealed and partially because Joey Stalingrad, the new Ceaser of Russia, wanted to kill her, Kanno fled to her second home: Japan. When it was discovered that she was wanted by the Communists, she was quickly given a job as the Western Ambassador of Awesome Music, since the Japanese hate Communists more than anything save maybe Americans. In just 12 short years, she composed pieces of music that are widely considered to be the worst in history. The Japanese were too polite to tell her so, however, so she was offered some of the most prestigious pieces in her day. Her works include:

The atomic bomb ended Kanno's stay in Japan. Unfortunately for her, part of the Americans' demands included that all elements of Japanese culture end the day before MacArthur arrived in the Emperor's palace to sign the peace treaty.

Humiliation in England[edit]

Her artistic role thwarted in Japan, Kanno retreated to her second home: Liverpool, England. There, after a short-lived attempt to use her fame as Mrs. Beatle to restart her music career, she was accepted to a post as Asian ambassador to England when it was discovered the Communists wanted her dead. The British were too polite to tell her she was a lousy politician, so she retained the position long enough to cause all Brits to hate Asians. After attempting several times to use her position as an ambassador to jump-start her music career, she eventually gave up and went to sleep. She remains asleep to this day.


See Also[edit]