Yoko Ono
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Yoko Ono | |
|---|---|
 The Yoko Ono in its natural environment | |
| Kingdom | Nippon |
| Phylum | artist |
| Class | none |
| Order | yes |
| Family | fish |
| Genus | no |
| Species | demon |
| Binomial Name | singer |
| Primary Armament | voice attack |
| Secondary Armament | insanity |
| Power Supply | All your Beatles albums are belong to her |
| HP: | Hewlett-Packard |
| Mana Points: | Mana need a break from her voice! |
| Strength: | 1d6 |
| Intelligence: | 1d4 |
| Weight | Anorexic |
| Length | 4 Ft |
| Special Attack | † |
| Conservation Status | Should be extinct |
“I tried so hard with Thriller but that woman is just too commercially successful for me”
~ Michael Jackson on Yoko Ono
“I settled for Linda because she was second to Yoko.”
~ Paul McCartney on Yoko Ono
“Yoko is a hot babe”
~ Oscar Wilde on Yoko Ono
“Hating Yoko Ono is officially the ninth beatitude.”
~the popegod on john lennon'shusbandsoulmate
“We may have been bigger than Jesus, but nothing compared to Yoko.”
~ John Lennon on Yoko Ono
(Lol, John Lennon ON Yoko Ono.)
Yoko Ono (sometimes called Yoko oh no) is the world's most successful singer ever with over 175 numbers in the US alone and 2 billion albums sold worldwide. Her 1986 Starpeace concert tour played to more than 763 million on eight continents.
Contents |
[edit] Early Years
[edit] Visual artist
Yoko was a superstar in the New York City avant-garde scene, at least thats what she called it, cuz in reality she couldn't do shit. She did not destroy the beatles they went there own way without her!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Pop superstar
After meeting John Lennon from The Beatles in 69 BC. Once the band broke up, she and John started recording albums like Two Virgins and The Wedding Album which sold 4 billion copies.
Yoko started releasing albums on her own such as Fly and Approximately Infinate Universe which boasted 61 number one hits between the two. Yoko Ono's chart success was so vast that Billboard almost considered changing the pole position "Number Ono" to pay homage to Yoko's triumphant success.
[edit] The Downfall
Yoko's pop superstardom continued into the 1980's, but midway into the decade, she found herself eclipsed in popularity by another superstar talent, La Toya Jackson. This combined with a world tour that was cancelled because fans worldwide were so sure they wouldn't be able to get seats that they didn't even bother to check that was cancelled worldwide led the diva to take a ten year hiatus. She made a new album called thick ice in the 1990's. she still couldn't sing for shit
[edit] The comeback
Yoko Ono returned in 4294 with Rising and opened at #1 with 10 trillion copies on the day of release. Since then she's added another 72 #1's on the chart and is planning on embarking on a world tour with La Toya Jackson and Wing next summer.
[edit] Food
[edit] Sushi
File:Ono.jpg See picture. Served with ponzu sauce, a fresh cut Yoko Ono is tasty, nutritious and can serve up to twelve pretentious New York artists at once. Gender is unimportant.
The dish is famous for its large mouth. Eat it before it eats you.
WARNING!: Much like the Blowfish, the improperly prepared Yoko Ono may result in several side effects, including, but not limited to, loss of talent, yellowing of the skin (much like hepatitis), irritable bowel syndrome, constant vomoting of one's internal organs and/or death.
[edit] Nestle
In 1999 Nestle released Coco Ono which was a tangy chocolate/soy sauce/sweet drink that tasted like the armpit of a hairy polynesian. The Nestle corporation immediately retracted it because it reportedly made people shriek, turn yellow and expand their mouth to the size of a football stadium. Recently Kelloggs tried a similar idea by creating Yoko Pops. They immediately dismissed the idea because Yoko the baboon scared all the kids with its high pitched screeching.
[edit] Somewhat Famous People Who Have Eaten Yoko Ono
Based on unreliable sources, these people have either eaten Yoko Ono or were eaten by Ono. With its large mouth, Yoko Ono seems to be a favorite dish not only for men, but women too.
Kate Millett, Nam June Paik, Dan Richter, Jonas Mekas, Merce Cunningham, Judith Malina, Me, Erica Abeel, Peggy Guggenheim, Betty Rollin, Shusaku Arakawa, Adrian Morris, Stefan Wolpe, Steve Ballmer, Keith Haring, and Andy Warhol.
[edit] Current Events
Yoko Ono is trying to keep up with today's hip young kids by using Myspace and by doing some collaboration music with her friends Satan, George Bush, and the Backstreet Boys aswell as deciding that the best way to stop war was to send a letter to the U.N and it reads...ahem..." Look guys, you dudes shouldn't be starting the wars with your fellow man man, you should be...um growing flowers, right! so the next time you feel the urge to start a war with another country you just put a seed in a vase thing and give it a good ol watering, or just count to 10...whatever works best for you, yours with a hella lot of passiono Yoko (muthafunking) Ono, wassup." - Yeah Yoko was a dumb ass.
[edit] Sightings
Recently, a Yoko Ono was found doing a strip tease for pretentious New York artists (and artistes). Since the specimen in question was over 200 years old, most of the creatures scales had drooped, sagged and turned grey. Both people in the audience just came "to see a really big mouth." According to the witnesses, the strip tease was absolutely revolting.
Swimming upstream in 2004, a Yoko Ono covered Liverpool, the city of her discovery, with Xerox copies of her naughty bits. The copies all had phone numbers on them that, when called, introduced you to a young lady who really wanted to be your friend. It later turned out that the images were not of her, but of another, younger fish.
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi │ Woody Allen╤Jenna Jameson │ ┌─────────────────────────────┬────┴──────────────┐ │ │ │ Christ╤Antichrist Village idiot╤Lulu Oscar Wilde╤Buffy the Vampire Slayer │ │ │ ┌───┴─────────────────────────┐ Howard Stern Yoko Ono╤Godzilla │ │ │ Clark Kent╤Princess Diana Minnie Mouse╤Fyodor Dostoevsky Morning╤Evening ├─Adolph Hitler │ │ ├─Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom╤You Know Who └─Wonder Woman │ To be continued...
