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“Every sperm is...”
“OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!”
York, also known as Old York or Ol' Smokey, is an English city located North the great river of blood which separates Lesser England and Greater England. York is home to only four humans, Shaft, The King, Snagglepuss, and your mum. Local attractions include the Fountain of Eternal Youth, the world's only fully-functional cold fusion reactor and three of England's seventy three low-security slave camps (affectionately known as Dunnington, Clifton and York St. John University, respectively). York is also home to the world's most environmentally unfriendly fast food takeaway, The York Minster, where people regulary meet to discuss popular neurophysics. Curiously, in linguistics, the name 'York' might be cryptographically derived from an anagram, give or take a few letters, of the Spanish word 'Tosspot', meaning 'orifice whence egresseth putrid effluent'.
In popular culture, York is also the location of the chocolate factory made famous in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Indeed, if you go for a walk along the bank of the River Ouse, you will notice, in the water, pronounced swirls of opaque brown current. In fact, this is because the Ouse is 83.68% Terry's Chocolate Orange.
York was founded by the Romans, in the year 1066, when Jesus laid the foundation stone of Betty's Tea Rooms. Hagrid, of Harry Potter fame, built the city with his coarse bare hands, as a place to store his victims. It is well-known that, during the construction of York, the Romans used to boast to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, about how much better Rome is than England or, indeed, the rest of the world. However, since the fall of the Roman Empire, this important tradition has been performed by members of the only remaining empire in the world today: the United States.
Many of the inhabitants of York started work in the Gold Industry, later earning the surname 'Goldsmith'. Among the many famous Goldsmiths are: Trevor Goldsmith, Keith 'Lemon' Goldsmith, Crunchy Cornflake 'Kellogg' Goldsmith, Goldy Goldsmith, Craig Goldsmith of Wombleton and his identical twin Womble Garfield.
The present York is not to be confused with 'Old York', with Old York having fallen off the edge of the world, into the giant chasm which is 'The End of the World'.
Modern York is rather like New York, but is in fact completely different. It is a cunningly disguised abode of chavs. Though they are prevented from going into the City Centre by the walls, they remain the main inhabitants of the rest of the City. This explains why the main areas of employment in York are:
- Cycling in a way so to maximize obstruction of the highway and cause nuisance for other road users
- Charlie's Chocolate Factory
- Organising hen/stag parties (quote 'there's 40 of us up Micklegate from 10am')
- Tramping it up (usually 'working shifts' outside Mickelgate Budgens)
- Betty's Tea Rooms
- Gathering to swap crack stories outside the methodist church
- Jumping out from the allyways near lakeland plastic stinking of piss
You can identify the chavs through their clothing (G Star jeans and Star in the Hood t-shirts) No one has advised them that Clifton is not exactly a hood. If you listen carefully to them you'll notice every sentance begins with the phrase 'Ear, I arn't being funny right but...' or indeed 'I've never met her but she needs a slap' Whilst in other towns and cities chavs generally grow less obnoxious with age, York appears to be the opposite with some of the most heinous residents being well into adulthood when perhaps they should know better.
Living oblivious amongst the chavs are the middle class tossers who have developed a deep smugness and are under the misapprehension that living in York makes them superior. On closer inspection you will notice their trousers are too short and they are in fact, married to their sister.
Not Very Interesting Facts About York
- 'York' is the original name of New York and its largest village, New York City, before George Washington proclaimed that it was too old and declared it 'Kinda New York'. Thomas Jefferson advised him to drop the "Kinda". (George then thought it should be called 'Pubescent York City', but his efforts were once again thwarted by coherent thought.)
- Often considered the North's supermarket warfare capital, York suffers heavily from gun crime initiated by bosses of various supermarket chains.
- York is the capital of the fictional duchy Yorkshire, of which the so-called 'Grand Old' Douche of York said he was the 'duke' (see Duke of York). Historians believe he made this up to impress "the ladies." It is further speculated that he was neither grand nor old, and that his beard was really candyfloss.
- In 2008, the United States of America once again changed New York back to York in a surprise move by George W. Bush, after he indulged his fascination for his mentor, the Emperor Nero and razed New York City to the ground, using a can of hairspray, a box daffodil bulbs and an incense stick.
- York was mostly destroyed in the great Wig Factory Fire of 1729, when it was discovered that surrounding a whole town by a great big wall and filling it in with wigs/Whigs doused with petrol was actually a terrible idea.
- York residents consider themselves far superior to people from Selby. People from Selby are too smacked off their faces to care. In reality both sets of people should be locked up.
- York holds a city wide fire drill every third Tuesday at 11.00am. Unfortunately since 2004 every resident has either proved to be too deaf or too engrossed with Mr Kyle to hear the actor dressed as Fireman Pugh (from the kids TV show Trumpton) and the traditional ceremony has been a failure.
Education in York
York is home to several top quality educational insitutes. While York College, the Milthorpe School and All Saints Schools are not counted among these, they deserve mention for their local notoriety. The said three schools battle it out in Tesco car park every Saturday afternoon as part of what has become known colloquially as the Sissy Regatta, the purpose of which is concerned with which school's tutus are more pink.
The University of York is renowned for the beauty of its female students, all of whom are enrolled on a History of art course. Male students usually have moderate narcissistic tendencies, and may often be spotted frequented many of the city's watering holes wearing last year's Hugo Boss or Armani suits, plus a tie denoting membership of some or other society, usually chess club. All visitors to the university are sworn to secrecy on departure; all they are allowed to tell anyone who asks is that there are a lot of ducks.
In addition students at York St John University are said to be the decendents of fairys, with magical powers including the power to have their graduation ceremony in York Minster
Entertainment in York
A word of warning... local chavs will advise you the best night out is the 'dark side' of town (Micklegate, Reflex, BPM) This area has the highest levels of spilt blood on the floor than any other part of Yorkshire. Especially mid-week. When you advised to avoid the 'posh end' this actually relates to bars where drinks are served in a glass not a plastic beaker. Many locals find this practice offensive and will start a discussion beginning 'Ear, i aren't being funny right....'
Fun facts, by 'eck
- Although superfluous and redundant at the time (not to mention anachronistic), York used to be nicknamed "Old York City."
- For a short period under Governor Ed Koch, York was renamed "New Rock-York-City" but this was repealed after the village of Buffalo claimed that they rocked harder. This of course led to the Battle of the Bands / Eighth Nuclear Winter / Winter of Discontent.
- A proposal to change the city's name to Yor-DameJudiDenchUsedToLiveHere-k was overwhelmingly approved by residents, but failed when councillers sent the relevant paperwork to Queen instead of the Queen.
- Under every coffee shop in York, there is a secret underground lair where trolls sit and stink and all the tax money goes. This is then used to fund more coffee shops and Starbucks outlets.
- York was formerly home of a superlatively unremarkable football team called York City. However, the club was stolen in a heist committed by the Douglas Craig Mob in 2002, and has yet to be recovered. Jason Statham and The College of Law are reputed to be the axis of evil in respect of this. Following the proposed closure of the Nestle factory it has been suggested that KitKat Crescent will be renamed Flamingoland Crescent, which has caused uproar amongst the venerable local KitKatophillic community.
The Clever Self-Defence System
York is the one of the few places in which a street is called a gate, a gate is called a bar and a bar is called a pub. Some people will tell you that this is because the people of York wanted to get one over on those people who write dictionaries, whilst other say it goes back to the middle ages. Uncyclopedia can reveal that the truth is that it is in fact an ingenious self-defence system devised by Yorkists - best seen in an incident from the Wars of the Roses.
A Lancastrian Army laid siege to the city. Unaware of the local terminology, the Lancastrian commander ordered them to attack the southern gate to the city, known as Mickelgate Bar. The result was that the Lancastrians promptly set fire to a nearby pub, arousing the ire of the locals who, in a fit of wrath, slaughtered many of the host. When they finally DID take the gate, the Lancastrians were ordered to "go down Mickelgate" - a street in the city. The attackers, bewildered, proceeded to climb the gatehouse itself and absail down the portcullis.
Eventually, infuriated by the apparent futility of their activities, the Lancastrians gave up and left. To this day the citizens of York have not been bothered by anyone (and get a few good laughs out of confused American tourists.
Road Organisation and Structure
- The I-87 aka the Thruway aka the Trueway or Colliergate is a road that was designed after Picasso's "Guernica".
- The I-90 (west) leads to the hamlet of Buffalo, the home to chickens, Beefalo, and of course the infamous Chicken-Buffalo monster, which terrorized most of Toronto for six to eight minutes, until it was subdued through methods of batter, frying, and eventually Frank's Red Hot-Sauce.
- The I-90 (east) leads to the hamlet of Boston, where you can get wicked retaded.
- Route 1079 leads north towards the edge of the earth, and passes by a few IHOPs and UJUMPs. This also passes by the cultural centre of Poughkeepsie.
- The A59 which goes to New York and Newer York.
- This law has never been changed, but in the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he carries a bow and arrow. (really!!!!!)
- Similarly you may incur the death penalty in the Britain of 2010 if you sell cannon balls to the French
- And the city of Alnwick is still at war with everyone so think on.
- Rev. Y. M. Inster, 'The Olde Book of Yorkie Bars: Not for Girls', p. 94
- P. J. O'Clifford, 'The Grande Olde Booke of Yorke', p. 111
- P. Diddy, The Olde Book of New York, p. 16
- K. Wiseman, The New Book of Old York, p.42
- S. Cowell, Rockin' York, p. 827
- Dame Judi Dench, My Life in Film, pp. 9, 16, 21, 89 and 120