Yosemite Sam

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Yosemite Sam.

Winslow "Yosemite Sam" Samuelson (born May 5, 1945) is a semi-retired American bounty hunter and oil tycoon. Samuelson gained extreme popularity in the 1980's for his alleged love affair with gay icon Bugs Bunny. hasenpfeffer.


The Early Years[edit]

Yosemite Sam was born to human parents at the tender age of 9 months, and was immediately cast into the wilderness to fend for himself. Taken in by a native tribe known as the Rackbaggalacks, he learned their native language, and, as per the tribe's ancient customs, became confrontational and overbearing. By the age of fifteen, it was clear that he was not going to grow any taller than two and half feet, further deepening his hatred of anything taller than him. Eventually he massacred the entire tribe using government surplus anvils and cannons that were coincidentally laying around, just offscreen. This was to be the first of many acts of wanton violence on his road to fame and glory.

Sam and the Confederacy[edit]

During the American Civil War Sam fought for the C.S.A and was a cavalryman and then a commanding general. He went on to be a war hero but his military career ended at Gettysburg. He launched a full scale attack called Yosemite's Charge that failed misseribly. To this day Sam still loaths his ridiculous attempt to turn the tide of the war. He is cool.

That Fraggadackin' Rabbit[edit]

In 1954, Sam became convinced that he was being followed by an invisible wabbit who tormented him constantly. This delusion hounded him his entire life and ruined every career he attempted to succeed in. As a pirate, he sank his own ship in a futile attempt to destroy the nonexistent hare. As a Roman gladiator, he was mauled by lions. As a plantation owner, he was blackened with soot by a slave revolt. As a bachelor, his attempts to woo a rich lady were confounded at every turn by his imaginary carrot-munching nemesis. This continued for many years, at the end of which he finally checked himself into a nearby mental institution, and was mistakenly diagnosed with congentital rootinest-tootinestitis. Were it not for a chance meeting with Dracula, who was being treated for delusions of being Christopher Lee, he might have stayed there forever.

Zaggadack baggalackin' Movie Career[edit]

Yosemite Sam riding into Hollywood.

Sam was only half Semitic, and as such, faced an uphill battle forging his directing career in rabidly semiantisemitic Hollywood. His Yo ancestry had left him diminutive and red-haired; falsely branded as an Irishman, he was hounded and persecuted everywhere. Sam's tenacity would prove up to the task, however, and a series of mysterious accidents involving plummeting grand pianos and falling safes saw to it that anyone who interfered with Sam's film career would quickly be removed from the picture. With the help of Count Dracula, he produced and directed many now-famous epics of increasingly grandiose proportions.

Sam has renounced cartoon outlawry to become a minister and a McCain supporter. He generated controversy for the campaign when it was revealed that he had used the phrase "Gawl Dern America" in a sermon.


  • Seven Dwarves for Seven Brothers (1962)
  • Surrenderix the Gaul (1963)
  • The Last Days of Sodom and Gammorrah (1965)
  • Caligula's Rockabilly Christmas (1966)