You should talk about penises - A letter to RAHB

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April 14, 2009,

Dear RAHB,

It has come to my attention that you are the most experienced administrator running for the bureaucracy. I want you to know, you have my support. Your plan to fix Hufficare is ingenious. Your past experience as an ambassador to the Penis Nations during the Clitoris administration shows you are ready to deal with threats from vandals far more readily than any other candidate. Plus, your experience as the former Secretary of Sex shows you are the only person ready to deal with the ongoing sex crisis in this country.
I see almost no way you could possibly lose the upcoming primaries. That is, unless Hilarious Clitoris decides to finally run for bureaucrat! But, come on, if she had ever intended to run, it would have been in 2005! No, I'm sure she'll never run. And that Urethra guy doesn't stand a chance against you. The only competition you'll have is in the general election against Vagina, but come on. The only thing that guy has is 666 (just like Ancient Uterus only has womb cancer). You've got this election locked up. Trust me.
But, I have noticed you have neglected one crucial voting block in this country. Women. Don't worry, though. I have a foolproof way to lock up the female vote.

You should talk about penises.

Even JLo loves penises. All women want to be JLo. Or, they all want to have her ass.
We all know that women love penises. Just go and look at any six year old girl's Christmas list. What is the one thing you see each on each of them? No, not Barbies. Look closer. Not at the girls, at their Christmas lists! Now, tell me, what do you see? That's right. They all want a penis. Especially that little dyky girl. Not the one who has that dog. The one who lives across the street from the crazy foreigner. Yeah, that's the one!
Just think about that for a second. How many of them do you think will get a penis? Six, maybe seven? This wish to have a penis will stay with most women for their entire lives. They'd do anything to own a penis. All you have to do is promise a penis to every woman who votes for you. When you become President, you can just claim that was just them imagining you said that. They'll forget after about a week or so, anyway.
Just think about it. Don't let Vagina beat you to it. If he makes that promise, you'll be screwed. You gotta beat him to it. His ex-wives all have penises, for-Christ-sakes! You gotta make the promise first!
Hell, it'll help you secure the gay vote, too! Gay men love penises!
Sockie Unreginass - Super-teen extraordinaire
*P.S. I heard you plan for your campaign rally call to be Yes we rape. That's great. Please use it.
**P.P.S. Women also tend to love guys with beards. Long, brown ones! Also, they love it when men get a little muscular. It makes them feel more attracted to you. You should do it. You know, just grow a beard and gain some muscle. Trust me. You'll thank me later.
***P.P.P.S. I heard from someone that you're an Asperger. I punched him in the nose. There's no WAY a guy named RAHB is an Aspie.

RAHB's response[edit]

Yes! Penis rules!