“Youngstown, where dreams go to die.”
Youngstown is a city in the state of Ohio with a population of some number of people. It is widely known for its high crime rate and roadways in poor condition. Of course, what it is less widely known for is its formerly large amount of rooftop ninjas, who go from rooftop to rooftop of the skyscrapers that dominate the downtown area. Unfortunately, there is only one skyscraper, and the ninjas are thought to have died of being unable to make the jump to the skyscrapers of Pittsburgh forty eight miles to the southeast.
Its two main exports are depression and arson.
Stuff Nobody Cares about
One theory is that Youngstown was founded by a group of guys who were exiled from New Jersey after losing a bet. It is not known who they were, but legends speculate that one of them may have been named Young. They were probably nice guys too, and probably wish you could have had a couple beers with them. When they founded the city in 1776, they invoked the power of sunspots and onions to drive the Cleveland Indians off their land to Cleveland to Kansas. This ritual of invoking sunspots is little known to anyone outside of the city, because they are all dumbasses. The Cleveland Indians later came back, but were bombed out by the Mafia in the fifties, so they moved north to inhabited a small part of Cleveland on Lake Erie known as Municipal Stadium in 1932ish. They were forced to use a time machine and move to Cleveland, instead.
John Young and those other guys whose names were lost in the translation of Olde English to Regular English singlehandedly built the entire city on the Mahoning River in 45 minutes out of logs and those little plastic swords they use to hold club sandwiches together at fancy restaurants. The paper umbrella blew away in the tornado of 1985. The rest they say, was history. Some time in the near future, Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about Youngstown which had something to do with steel mills, so somebody capitalized on the song making the Top 1,000 Bruce Springsteen Hits and made a bunch of steel mills. The steel mills later closed because people figured out that he isn't that cool anymore. To add insult to injury, many people left the city after Springsteen's Ghost of Tom Joad tour because they finally realized that when Springsteen sings about your hometown, it's time to pick up and move before New Jersey starts to laugh at you.
The more credible theory is that The Mafia owns the city, hence the name Youngstown. The Mafia tended to not like people very much, so they would dispatch a eager wannabe made man to assassinate the person. This happened to many people. The life expectancy was 21 and 7 months with the preferred method of warning being a delivery of Youngstown Grilled Garlic. The preferred method of assassination was suicide bombings, as that was the final test to to be "made" into the Youngstown Mafia. This method of removal also contributed to the city's nickname Bomb City, USA.
The city's 2010 project seeks to contract or shrink the city into making it a more livable city, mostly by demolishing the empty and dilapidated houses all over town. Who can argue with the thinking that less Youngstown is better?
There is a minor league hockey team here, but since many of the players are still learning the finer nuances of putting the little black thing in the net with the stick with the thing on the end of it, many games have been lost. However, they have uniforms and no team member has in excess of 16 teeth so they may be considered a proper team.
There are a few bars. Here a bar, there a bar, everywhere a bar. Each corner must have at least one bar within spitting distance. If there is no bar, there must be a pizza place. Or a church. Ideally, a corner will have all of the above and a gas station that sells piroghis on alternate Fridays.
If you want to buy something that isn't from a dollar store, or from the roaming hoards of buffalo salesmen, you are out of luck.
There's a park. It's actually pretty nice if you don't mind the local gang of misfit raccoons called the furry bandits. They go from trash can to trash can looking for food. Sometimes they mug someone for some chips or a slice of Briar Hill Pizza. Most muggings lead to death so if you have any information about a member or a leader call 1-800-123-fake.
A constant source of entertainment is the Mahoning River. The fact is, is that all the factories dumped their waste into the Mahoning River. So did the Youngstown Mafia. One beloved past time of the area is to try to identify the bodies floating down the river. This game requires a quick mind and a photographic memory. Other less challenging games are most number of a certain color shirt, etc. There are many variations of the game. On those rare days when it is too hot for the Youngstown Mafia to throw dead bodies in the river, it is always fun and enjoyable for the living to also enjoy a swim down the river. Youngstown does not discriminate against anyone's living/dead status since one of the the perks of being a Youngstown resident is the right to enjoy the best of both life and death throughout one's existence (see Zombies ). While in the river, you will feel a pinpricks and a bit of a tingle, which is not from garbage, nor is it from the rumored toxic chemicals. It comes from the healing salve that the area's Elven prostitutes have conjured. In addition to swimming and corpse counting, there is a lazy river attraction that follows the river to the Pacific Ocean named Claude. The Mahoning River battles with the park every year and is only appeased by the Canfield Fair's sausage from the sausage wagons. If no sausage is forthcoming, the park will be devoured and there will be six more weeks of winter. The park is actually pretty nice.
Oh, the hockey team plays at the Chevrolet Center. Formerly the Youngstown Convocation Center, the funding for its construction was obtained through Congress by Jim Traficant, who is jail currently for doing stealing money from the "The Man". There is also a park. It's actually pretty nice.
The city is also overrun with penguins. They appeared in the city one day and they have taken over all essential governmental institutions such as the the Mayor's office, the Youngstown State University mascot, and the Youngstown Mafia. Today, no one gets a piece of the action without running it past Petey and Penny Penguin.
Beware if ever visiting one of the corner bars and a big eared prick asks you an obnoxious questions, followed up with a "what do you think about that, thoughts" He may or may not attempt a bite move to your thigh or shoulder.
Crime is very low in the area with only 10,349 murders per 100,000 residents each year. One day, you think you are safe, and then WHAM! you have been beaten to death by the large population of black people with baseball bats and guns. Also, Youngstown is the only city where "murder by penis in the ear that went too deep and destroyed the brain" is a common cause of death. There are also random bombings that one should avoid. Before leaving your home, ALWAYS check the helpful daily bombings forecast on HOT 101.1 for that day. Not only do they have a impeccable 63% accuracy rate, but they have a really good music selection. And don't forget their lovely station identification jingle 'Hot FM one oh one point oooooone, DUCK!'
There is a rising problem with Elven prostitutes walking around the area claiming to be Bible sales people. Though their rates are very steep, they've got the goods. The Bible is just for show and is used to disguise a brain wave stealing device. Be very wary and use them only as needed. There is also a problem with the streetlight's timing. The lights give local ethnics and thuggish children the perfect amount of time to rush onto the street and commandeer your car.
The natives are kept subdued in a pizza coma, which is similar to a turkey coma, only with more pepperoni and less pumpkin pie. Pizza is plentiful, inexpensive, and it is mandatory to eat at least one pizza each week. The pizza is one of the few things that are not a hardship about living in the area. It is your choice whether you take Wedgewood, Uptown, Ianazones, Bellaria, or some other provider. If you dare suggest that any national chain is pizza, the locals will either laugh at you or string you up by your ankles and chuck 2-lb dough balls at you, depending on their degree of intoxication and proximity to one of the many pizza shops of the area. But, hey lookin' on the bright side, at least they have a fucking IHOP!. The local Soul Food joint, Charley Staple's, keeps the local black population subdued with it's addition of sedative medication into the BBQ sauce. Unfortunately, much like a comedown from Cocaine, they go on rampages through the various suburbs dotting the Mahoning Valley countryside afterward. Many people here also like to eat testicles.
A Point of Pride
Aside from housing classic American art, world class pizza and more dagos than Tuscany, Youngsotwn has many other pleasingish features. Located in Youngstown is Youngstown State UniversitySome people think that YSU stands For Youngstown State University but really it means YOU SCREWED UP. Some famous alumni include former Super Bowl loser and current ESPN bumbling bonehead Ron Jaworski, and the guy who played Al Bundy on Married... with Children. Don't forget former Youngstown St. football coach Jim Tressel, famous for preferring a field goal over a touchdown. The Youngtowners like to say "Don't Fuck with Youngstown!" and "Youngstown will fuck your town up, but we ain't gay!" They, also, like to call themselves Bad Ass. And that park is pretty nice. God damn is it nice.