Yul Brynner

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Yul Brynner (originally Yul George Walnut Foreman Brynner) was ejaculated out of the penis of Queen Victoria on July 7 1877. It was a much troubled birth, in which Her Majesty also delivered her foreskin, which became permanently lodged to Yul's head. This gave rise to his trademark "baldness".

Early career[edit]

Yul changed his name in 1901, owing to a life-long nut allergy. Upon doing so, he instantaneously travelled into the future and embarked upon a successful Hollywood career, beginning with a starring role in Morecambe and Wise's hit tragi-comedy-musical-war-romance "The King and I", and continuing with the less illustrious sequel "No Shit Mother-Fucker". After this he decided to end his early career early, and skip straight to his later years, which would guarantee him status as an elder-statesman of Hollywood, and much promiscuous sex with casting couch girls.

Later life[edit]

In later years the film roles did not come in as thick and fast as they used to, so Yul was forced to rent himself out to a Bulgarian Circus as the token bald man on whose seemingly infinite scalp audience members could defacte for fun. However, this practice was outlawed in the Headshit Convention of 1963, prompting Yul to seek work elsewhere once more, (after taking a lengthy shower).

Having sought repeatedly to earn an honest living and been turned away by society each time, Yul decided to instead embark on a life of crime and debauchery - it was the American dream. One of his many criminal exploits was the notorious Pantsgate scandal, in which he managed to bring down the Presidency of Lyndon Baines Johnson by blackmailing him about the true origin of his Burberry trousers. Then, posing as an ageing Brazillian potato merchant, he was able to single-handedly infiltrate the Italian Government and organise the transfer to Beijing of all the water in Venice, in exchange for all the tea in China. He then sold this on for the hefty sum of £19 Billion, and one blow job (from Elton John).

Shortly after this incident Yul was the victim of an unfortunate accident involving a vacuum cleaner and an under-ripe banana. It left him totally paralysed from the waist down, so doctors moved his waist to just below his left ankle and he was almost totally unaffected. One obvious side-effect however, was the necessity to remove his Stanmilliusetrachlorabachtin during the procedure, which left him unable to enjoy the smooth smooth sound of Miles Davis.

Yul Brynner died on World Book Day 1985, after choking on a live haddock. He rose from the grave in 1997 to protest against the growing instances of Thatcherism in world politics, but promptly returned to the grave when nobody gave a fuck.

Quotes[edit]

“Gone are the days when you could shit on a bald man's head and no one would bat an eyelid.”

“Shall we dance? NO?! Fuck you Marlene Dietrich!”

“Keep it off the face you little bastard.”

“Hey, I have hair where it matters.”

“Yo-Yo Ma ate my hamster.”

“Have you ever seen a knife under an armpit? No? I wouldn't have shown you anyway!”