Zan

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“I’m going to fucking bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill Zan!”

~ Steve Ballmer on Zan


“If someone doesn't kill that thing I will”

~ OW on killing Zan

Origins[edit]

Derived from lard Zan was born at 900 pounds. He had legs, but decided not to use them and hired a team of highly trained pushers, to roll him about. Zan then ran for office to become the head of the couch Gamers office. After being elected he ballooned to 2,000 pounds. This was considered a mistake as he couldn't play any games, his arms never reached out of the fat. Zan has been used in the first defense division of many militaries as he can absorb gun fire, tank shells, and even nuclear devices with ease. This supplies money for Zan's food budget. Zan is never not being fed as he has multiple feeding tubes.

  • Tube 1 feeds a constant stream of beef into him, this is the beef tube
  • Tube 2 supplies mayonnaise
  • Tube 3 supplies more lard
  • Tube 4 supplies salt

It is reported that more tubes exist but no one has been brave enough to find them on Zan's person.

  • (Side Note:) Upon seeing Zan the last Surgeon General killed himself.
  • (Fun Fact:) Zan is large enough to feed the world until the end of time as we know it, but also notable, he is unhealthy enough to kill anyone that thinks of eating him.

Zan Events[edit]

  • 1942-Zan is formed from under intelligent lard. The lard tube is installed to sustain him. 900 pounds.
  • 1951-Zan ravages Tokyo, Japan, looking for the producers of his favorite food, pure calories. As he reaches the factory he is stopped by Godzilla. There is a long climactic battle between the two, although in the end Godzilla does win, Zan ended up having a calorie tube installed anyways.
  • 1969-Wood Stock is ended when Zan rolls through. In a futile attempt to stop him many hippies threw themselves in front of him to bar his path. This only added to Zan's mass as he absorbed them as he went. Hippie eating however caused Zan to go through rehab over and over again.
  • 1971-Zan is elected Couch Gamers President. Reports of unfair election spread as confirmation is received that Zan threatened to eat the competition, which he ate anyways. Balloons to 2,000 pounds.
  • 1980-Zan Eats the last unicorn known to man, this causes a stomach flu which burries all of the resources and intelligent people in the West Europe. Weight has hit 10,000 pounds.
  • 1987-Zan founds the Zan Show. This show entirely consists of Zan making really bad puns, and just other really bad general things. It was going to be taken off the air until Zan ate the last man in the network who could use a computer.
  • 1989-Zan found that he has been mistaken as land one night, and was declared a state of The United Play Land Toy. Some die hard residents still live on Zan today.
  • 1992-An exploratory expedition returns from Zan, findings state that Zan is an imminent threat to the environment and mankind. In response to these findings the first of many Anti-Zan campaigns appear. Zan now decides that perhaps he has put on a few pounds, in an attempt to curb this sort of thinking Zan decides to install the salt tube.
  • 1994-A radical Anti-Zan group bombs Zan, the effort was deemed as futile, Zan ate the explosives before detonation and were destroyed inside of Zan. Zan is now 23,000 pounds.
  • 1996-Zan runs for president, makes his famous 'I will eat everyone of you' speech. This sends Zan's political carrer flaming into the grounds and is booed off the permanently damaged Freighter he made the speech off of.
  • 2000-Zan sneaks up on Godzilla and eats him at payback for the fight. This puts Zan at an ungodly 50,000 pounds
  • 2005-Zan is deemed the least healthy "thing" ever. Finally bypassing death

Back Up[edit]

Recently The United Play Land Toy government has financed and elite ninja team to stop Zan. While no one knows if Zan would eat a ninja, or the perils they will face the world wishes them luck.

“Serriously I will bet you my lunch money that Ninja will pwn Zan”

~ United Play Land Toy President on Ninjas Vs. Zan

What to do[edit]

“Man that thing is creepy, it's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares”

~ Captain Ahab on Zan

If ever confronted by a Zan it is recommended you throw Oscar Wilde quotes at it. You can use sarcasm; either will infinitely confuse it to the point of a ten minute escape window. You can also coax it into telling a joke, but it's jokes take hours and have a lot of back tracking, many would rather die.

They only place that is safe from a Zan is the Canadian Embassy, this is the only embassy that Zan will not attack for fear of Canada's large military and diet plans. Zan has said to have enjoyed all things gay.

!!!Exercise caution if a Zan is repoted to be in the area, you could very probably be walking across him and not know untl it is too late!!!

It is said that a Zan can be warded off using powdered milk, this used to be true but over use of this ward gave him an immunity. Thousands have died researching the next Zan ward.

How to help[edit]

How to help stop Zan. Support of low fat foods, diet plans, and Hungarians all are good ways to help stop the blubbery menace. Plans are currently under way to plant a one mile diameter liposuction tube on Zan without his knowledge. If Zan is not stopped he could very well out grow Earth and we would be in orbit of Zan. In this obit things would begin to reverse and the universe would be sucked into Zan at an increasing rate, until the galaxy as we know it is substituted with Zan brand Zan Lard. This effort is being organized on the moon, the one place completely Zan free. Although rumors are spreading that Zan is hiring the Russians to take him there, it has been deemed physically impossible.

(Side Notes:) Viva la resistance!

See Also[edit]