Zero

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There's a rich guy sliding down from one end of the jet to the other like a water slide

“Reality is relative, truth is subjective and therefore Zero must be the only known objective because it possesses a value without a value, henceforth being beyond the physical realms of reality and is both a truth and a lie”

~ Albert Einstein while wondering WTF he just said and hoping nobody would quote him on it

“Zero is a space commie with wings and a batman tattoo on its left butt cheek. It must be destroyed”

“That bitch ruined our lives. He thinks he's so handsome, with that tall and thin body. Yeah we're fat and shorter than him, but he ain't that cool... We both are planning to hire a hit man to kill him...”

~ The Letters O and o on The number 0

“Zero ain't worth nothn, bitch”

“Five plus ten minus two times five divided by two plus five to the power of two minus two times nineteen equals twenty three! OMG! Wait...no it doesn't, it eqauls Zero”

~ August Diehl

“I have zero tolerance for alcohol”

~ Buzz Killington

“AH HA! I have an infinite amount of points compared to you!”

~ Larry Dabrooki after scoring one point while his opponent had no points in a game of horse shoes

“I taste like shit”

“You're first the worst and I'm Zero the Hero”

~ Annoying, immature school boy with no concept of Zero's worth

“I'm your lover, I'm your zero.”

~ Billy Corgan on him and your mom's relationship

About Zero[edit]

Oscar Wilde has the power to absorb the taste out of Coke without opening the can. When this occurs they re-label the cans as Coke Zero

Warning! DO NOT READ THE 2 FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE COMPLETELY BEFUMBELED AND/OR MENTALLY DAMAGED FOR LIFE

Zero is the value of nothing, but zero is not nothing, because the value of nothing is the value of something which means that nothing is something and something can't be nothing without being non-existent which is imposible without the ability to un-become, which of course does not mean destroy, because to destroy is to make something into nothing and we've already gone over why something can't be nothing since nothing is something. You have just witnessed the number zero, as in, you have zero clue as to what you just read and never will, because the amount of facts in that statement are Zero.

Zero is the value of nothing, although Zero is not equal to non-existence, because zero most certainly does exist despite the fact that it does absolutely nothing to contribute to society. There have been many attempts by Christian groups, AA, and the Back on your Feet Foundation to get Zero back into the working world so that it can make something of itself and accomplish something asides from nothing.

The shape of the number zero was decided by the Zero Appearence competition held by Jesus Christ when he got bored of walking on water and decided to do something just as equally pointless, but even more awsome. The winner was a retarded talking carrot who simply submitted an oval with the center cut out of it.

Zero resides between negative one and postive one.

Zero is also a place holder. It will hold people's place in line ups if they have to go pee. Unfortunately, reserving your spot with a worthless number is not very effective.

Quite remarkably, Zero's presence to the right of any number makes it worth 10 times as much. (Including the number ten itself) Therefore, the fact of reality is that as long as you have something (no matter how small and near valueless it is) the presence of lots and lots of worthless items next to it increases the worth. For instance, a pen might not be worth much by itself, but put a melted thimble, a pile of ashes and a bird without wings next to it and suddenly you've got a priceless model of the earth and its populance in 20 years.

Creation of Zero[edit]

In the beginning there was something. That something being absolutely nothing. Therefore, Zero has existed since the beginning. Zero's existence within a state of non-existence caused the big bang. Man began life in the ancient lands of Mesabeginia. Humans were very simple creatures with very complex psychological problems concerning the existence from non-existence that would cause religious warfare to rage on for thousands of years.

Men were very competative by nature and would often have competitions over erect penis sizes, rock collections, and number of bagged, banged, and satisfied women. These competitions were very important to the men, however they had no way of keeping records because they were unaware of numbers.

Zero in your name is as kewl as dog shit on pizza

After many great wars and complete anihalations of a variety of cultures a solution was discovered. Competative records could be kept on the amount of fingers people held up. Highly honored people known as Dumbasses would witness an important competition and keep record of the scores on their fingers. They would continue to hold their fingers up as long as the winning competitor continued to pay a weekly fee of tubby custard. Over time, each finger (and thumb) was given a name. The first finger was named One(Wan) after a very lonely Chinese virgin who lived in the mountains. Two(Tew) was named after a couple of side by side turds with faces drawn in them. Three, four, five, six were just random baby names pulled from a lottery and seven, eight, nine were chosen in rememberance of the horrible case of cannobolism when a very strange and hungry man named Seven ate an ugly woman named Nine. Ten was actually called Ben after a very famous general's son, but Oscar Wilde changed it to Ten because Hitler kept getting laughed at trying to say, 'I vant to drop Ben Bombs!!!'

Over time, the losers of very humilating competitions would sneak into the houses of the Dumbasses and cut off their fingers so that there would be no proof of any record. (Rather bizarly, anyone who tried to bribe between 10 000 BC and 2000 BC would burst into flames) Dumbasses who'd had their fingers cut off would often say, "I have no fingers" or "The count of my fingers is none", but people went into a frenzy of anarchy because there could not possibly be a number for having no number. Tens of thousands of wars were fought over the holy grail which supposadly contained the almighty '!number without a number!' At last an unknown man named Apocalypse Zero came along and stopped what is now known as the Apocalypse of Zero. He claimed that this number without a number was in fact, Zero (named after himself) which he stated as either the loss of everything or the gain of nothing. (Or for the mathamatically challenged: The rim of an oval next to a 1) But in all seriousness, 0 was invented in India. So yeah, thanks. Bloody Nazis.

The Purpose of Zero[edit]

The truth is, zero has zero purpose. (Recently, zero's purpose being within itself has caused a tear in the space time continueum of earth's atmosphere, unleashing an army of deranged lepricons with light sabers) Some argue that Zero's purpose is in fact to prevent anarchy in the world where as others argue that its purpose is to cause anarchy in the world.

Zero = Anarchy: Those that believe the number zero is to create anarchy amongst the world are known as Crackpots. None of their points have ever been validated, because nobody gives a damn about what a crackpot has to say. Crackpots often point out that Zero is responsible for 1000's of suicides each year. Their research shows that these suicides are often commited by teenagers struggling with the concept of there being nothing where there once was something. The most common case is a horny, male teenager having a girlfriend and then losing his girlfriend. This is known as 'Horny with Zero Complex'. The male teenager is completely baffled by the fact that a loss of 1 girlfriend leads to the result of many zeros. Zero girlfriends, zero sex, zero happiness, zero hand jobs, zero blow jobs and zero fulfilled fantasies involving cucumbers leads to an infinity of depression. [See Zero and Infinity Theories]

The zero-dollar bill shoul not be confused with the million-dollar bill.

Additionally, Crackpot research shows that 21% of Zero Suicides are by middle aged women who never settled down to have children and as a result have very saggy Zeros between their legs which take on the image of a Walrus on crack. Of course, none of this research can be validated because, quite frankly, who would listen to a Crackpot? If you see one, do both it and the world a favor by killing it before it molasts a lamp without a lightbulb with the switch on. (Which nobody wants to see). The only way to kill a Crackpot is with a stake knife and chokery using an arcade token.

Zero = Peace: People that believe Zero's purpose is to keep the peace are called Zero Peace Fanatics. The General Public has always been highly confused by this name, believing that Zero Peace Fanatics are obsessed worshipers of religious fruit and wish to rain used condems upon the earth to create global terror. (Most people ignore these accusations and simply state that Zero Peace Fanatics are 'just a global threat.' Zero Peace Fanatics are in fact, very peaceful people with absolutely no lives. They live at home eating jelly beans and their only social activity is getting together with penguins to have apple dunking games. What all this has to do with anything is still a mystery. The Zero Peace Fanatics hope that one day we will all find Zero in our destinies and be at peace with everything. Zero Peace Fanatics believe that Apocalypse Zero was a God-like prophet sent by a giant Zero shaped warp storm located near the 'dwarf planet' Pluto [AKA: Circularly challenged sphere].

Apocalypse Zero (Person)[edit]

Apocalypse Zero had a very rough life early on in his childhood. He was generally known by the folks of his home town(Wonminuswon) as a complete and utter loser who would eventually end up as one of Bill Gate's many bitches. This was because despite his absolute love for sports, he never, ever won at anything. (Except at being a good sport, which lets face it, is a kind way of just saying you're a loser) After a few years of depression, Apocalypse Zero eventually came to accept who he was and came out of his house for the first time in 2 years and 15 months as a homosexual. When he figured out that being gay wasn't just about marrying your best friend, he declared himself heterosexual again. Unfortunately the friend he wanted to marry actually was gay and attempted to kill Apocalypse Zero on many occasions. The most well known-incident was when his friend held him between two doors of an elevator in an attempt to crush him...Apocalypse Zero never took these attempts seriously after that. Being as he was a loser at absolutely everything, Zero decided to participate at sports in a different manner. Whenever the home team was losing, he'd do something incredibly stupid that'd either end the game or cause the opposing team to run away in apathy. This is where the expression, "Zero the Hero" came from. Some of his most notable stunts include:

  • Running across a football field naked with a banana sticking out his ass
  • Shitting on a Nolm's head during a poker game
  • Smashing a hole in an opponent's tennis racket with his dick wrapped in garlic bread
  • Pissing all over a bowling ball and then licking it (wishing he'd licked it and then pissed on it)
  • Slapping the world's strongest man and making him cry
  • Scaring away a team of black belt Karate elites by making Chinese noises
  • Standing in front of a dart board everytime the opponent threw
  • Breaking a pitcher's arm with a baseball bat
  • Scattering thumb tacs all over a soccer field
  • Doing a cannon ball on top of a swimmer (and then killing the swimmer while making out with her instead of performing CPR)
  • Jacking off all over a bike seat
  • Resurecting Oscar Wilde from the grave to win the local Croquet competition


Apocalypse Zero continued his acts of Zero Heroism for a decade before discovering his true calling in life. Video Games. Initially, Zero had as much skill as his name suggests, but over time became a master of Real Time Strategies. After a while, his superior skills caused him to believe that he himself was God. When he saw that the world was in utter chaos over the number without a number, he felt that it was his duty as the almighty GOD to solve their delma. Amazingly (truly amazingly) he managed to actually solve the worlds delema by simply using a part of his own name to name the number without a number. He wrote an entire book on the number Zero after spending hours on end obsessing over www.nothing.com and writing notes on his walls with a magic marker.

The Apocalypse of Zero[edit]

The Apocalypse of Zero was first heard of when Apocalypse Zero claimed he prevented it. Being as the world was in complete anarchy at the time, most people simply agreed that, 'sure', he must've stopped the Apocalypse of Zero. However, there has been much debate in the past 20 years over whether or not there was ever really such an apocalypse at all. Apocalypse Zero was not known as a prophet nor a very inventive person when it came to creating apocalypses with awsome sounding names, but he was known to be God, which is why followers of Apocalypse Zero's limited, but enlightening teachings often claim that Apocalypse Zero himself was planning to unleash the Apocalypse of Zero as punishment for humanity succombing to anarchy.

There has been only a single theory as to what exactly the Apocalypse of Zero really was and variety of bizar pot inspired prophecies. The only 'theory' was submited by Douglas Adams, also known as Bop Ad. His theory was that Apocalypse of Zero would occur when somebody figured out exactly what the Universe was for and why it is here and proposed that it would instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable given that the secrets of the number Zero were unlocked. He suggested that in the world's emmense state of confusion and search for answers, humanity would undoubtably figure out that "there are an infinte number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely products of a deranged imagination."

Of course, after stating this at his son's birthday party he gasped and put a hand over his mouth fearing that all of a sudden the Apocalypse of Zero would rain down upon them all because he had blabbered on about the secrets of Zero. Luckily nothing appeared to happen. He later wrote a best selling book (Dawn of Zero) which explained that after discovering and revealing the secrets of Zero, Zero happened and therefore the Apocalypse of Zero had begun.

Prophets such as Notra Dumbass and Niko Belic have described the Apocalypse of Zero as being a world infested by billions of zombies. They fortell of a large ZZ (Zombie Zepplin) with cars from the movie Death Race and a city of people living on it. Many of these people are trained soldiers who on occassion are required to land on the ground to secure food and supplies for the zepplin with the assistance from the Death Race vehicles and rapple lines attached to their suits that can pull them up at any given time as long as they're not in a building. Whether or not any of this is true is for Franklyn the turtle to decide.

Theories on Zero Equaling Infinity[edit]

Patrick O'Pickle St. Wilde claimed that zero was in fact infinity, because infinity always divided out to zero. However, he was argued against by Asian Philosipher, Nung Pow, who stated that infinity was endless, non-existence was endless, and that Zero was simply the result of combining the two. Therefore, Zero was the product of a positive and negative infinity.

Apocalypse Zero grew bored of listening to these two philosiphers ramble on about such useless crap that he decided to take Nung Pow out of the picture by calling him a fat, chocolate loving bastard with absolutely nothing relavant to say. Nung Pow became very sensitive about his weight and died as a result of consuming zero food to prove zero points which in itself proved a point known only to Oscar Wilde, who will forever keep it a secret to prove a point.

Notice how the infinity symbol has two side ways zeros. HMMMM......conspiracy?

As a result of Nung's death, Patrick O'Pickle St. Wilde won the debate and went on to declare that Zero had boundless capabilities and endless powers. He attempted becoming a super hero without any powers named Zero Man. Unsurprisingly, he did absolutely nothing. He devoted his entire life to fulfilling Zero with the idea that by honoring Zero in its truest form he would accomplish ultimate power. He eventually went mad from counting every grain of rice he ate and every piss he had to take, because they were not a zero factor in his life. After going insane he became a very famous political leader in Germany who hated Joes, but since he was always drunk from depression he always pronounced it Joews.

Zero Creationists[edit]

WTF are they talking about!?!

For centuries a small clan of Zero fanatics known as Father Hub's Flock, have believed that Zero is in fact our creator. The clan was discovered in 1919 by Alex Bennett (Father Hub). Their rituals mainly consist of riding on skate boards while they're drunk, watching Pine Apple Express when they're high, and bending hoola hoops to shape like the number Zero. The only reason they believe that Zero is our creator is because the vagina is shaped like a zero. Although nobody has ever tried to argue with them...everyone still thinks they're pretty fucked up in the head.

Zero in Politics[edit]

Whenever there is a threat of a nuclear missile launch, Russia's most experienced general is enabled to declare 'Code Zero.' When Code Zero is declared, an army of over 500 million men dressed in plastic bags will march out of Russia and beat anyone who comes into their sights with paper towel rolls. Code Zero also declares Russia at war with Zimbabwe and launches a Russian midgit into outer space to activate Russia's secret death star located behind Venus.

These people have zero life

During UN meetings, countries disapproving of a plan of action by chanting Z.E.R.O which stands for, Zebras Eventually Regurgitate Ostriches. Nobody really knows what this means, but apparently it originates from the cave man days. So far, no one has been able to discover, theorize, or make up any form of bullshit on what exactly happened in the cave man days to come up with Zebras Eventually Regeritate Ostriches.

Zero is a well known measurment of the good outcome for 99% of all politicians throughout the world.


Null[edit]

Zero's evil, half brother. Back in the early days people used to also comment on how much alike Null and Zero were, but Null always felt that he was the darker one. Despite their resemblences, Null desperately wanted to be considered as a bad ass version of Zero. Better yet, a negative version of Zero. Of course, Oscar Wilde wouldn't allow such blasphemy. A positive and negative zero would add absolutely nothing to the universe as far as Oscar Wilde was concerned. (Especially since Zero wasn't adding anything to begin with) Null attempted to make a reputation as a void with little success. In Null's eyes, Zero was nothing, but a void was beyond nothing. Null failed to see the irony in attempting to negatively exceed nothing. Eventually Null's madness caused the universe to be plauged with black holes.

Legend of Zero Pickles[edit]

In galaxy far, far away there was a land of great and noble pickles known as Juice Slingers that would travel the lands of Apocalypto squirting their juices into the eyes of Santa worshipers and green grouches that lived in trash cans. An era of great desperation came upon the land when there was a shortage of rain for countless years. Eventually all of the pickles shrivled up or became drooling, imobile cucumbers except for one. This last great Juice Slinger was known as The One. Unfortunately, The One was critically injured in an epic battle against the number one and was then to be cursed with the name of Zero. He was laughed at where ever he went, but had no idea how to redeem himself. Eventually he became very depressed and took his own life by hanging himself. Those who witnessed the hanging pickled corpse were blinded. It is said that there is no sight more horrific then a hung pickle.

Although the hung pickle was such a horrific sight, some of the other pickles laughed at the thought of what a hung pickle could represent (=======8

Dividing by Zero[edit]

It is something you should never ever do. It should be noted that, The people of Zero hate being divided. See Googolplex Sword


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