Zilla

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Oh seriously, this guy really has a problem.

Zilla is a horrible, slobbering, vicious mutant reptile of some kind (of course, he could also just be Jay Leno in a lizard costume) who likes to eat fish. He also enjoys being thrown into famous buildings; infact, he enjoys it so much he purposefully attacks the cities to attract Godzilla's attention, and then experiences euphoria as Godzilla hurls him into famous buildings. This has led to public outcry and subsequent suing, but Godzilla always defends him, because he also enjoys hurling Zilla into famous buildings! One famous incident was Godzilla vs. the Mayor of Sydney in 2004, where the mayor sued Godzilla and Zilla in court after the destruction of the Sydney Opera House. However, the debate didn't last long, as Godzilla used his atomic reasoning to blow the mayor (and courtroom) apart.

He used to be a Godzilla fan, but decided to become a mutant instead and went to French Polynesia during a nuclear test. Dadgummit! Jean Reno was the first to find out, and he ran straight to New York City where he tried to blast Zilla open with nuclear wessels. However, the nuclear wessels missed and blew up the Chrysler Building instead. Finally the army had enough, and sent Zilla to boot camp to learn to behave like a gentlemen and stop burrowing in the subways and making big holes in buildings!! Not to mention stop laying all those eggs. But after two weeks Zilla had enough, so he blew up the boot camp and went straight into the army, where he served fighting kaiju under Commander Tatipalos (or was it Tatopilas?) for about six years. Then a big UFO came and brainwashed him and caused him to go to Sydney to study monsterness in detail. But then a train came by filled to the brim with tuna fish sandwiches, and he just couldn't resist so he gobbled the whole thing down before anyone else had a chance to. Lousy glutton! That's why he has such a big butt. No wait, he doesn't really. He's actually very athletic. Oh yes, he went to the NBA for four years and won the Tour de France the next, so he is extremely athletic. That's why he gets so hungry and ate the whole trainload of tuna fish before anyone else had a change to. Greedy pig! What a greedy pig!

However, the pleasure wouldn't last long, as a bunch of Klingons came and beamed him up and caused him to become big and green and angry. Zilla Smash! So the big, green angry Zilla went and started smashing buildings and cars and trains and buses and planets and stars and people and fish and dogs and fences...oog. Finally, the real Godzilla caught onto the ruse and went and fought that big fat Jay Leno in a lizard costume, where he tore it to pieces. Of course, Jay Leno still had one weapon. He banged Godzilla with his chin so hard that he sent him to Mercury. There he fought Sauron in his true form (as King Ghidora), threw him into the sun, then returned and defeated the abominable Zilla in forty-five seconds flat in the desolate city of Sydney.

Heretical Abominations[edit]

Zilla is heretical creation of the infamous Amwerican liar Roland Emmerich and his gay partner Dean Devlin. Since his spawning, the Holy Toho Empire has responded to the heresy by sending out their own Holy Japanese Emperor Godzilla to excommunicate and send him straight to Purgatory to pay for his sins. Here are a few of his major sins and abominable doctrines:

  • Impersonating the Real Godzilla™
  • Being patriotic
  • Attacking New York City rather than Tokyo
  • Not being a creation of Toho
  • Attacking Sydney rather than Tokyo
  • Decieving the Americans into thinking he was the real Godzilla
  • Stealing Godzilla's Trademark Roar™

For these alone he is sentenced to fifteen years in Purgatory, where he will be forced to clean up after all the Japanese Monsters™ and their messes. Then, for the last seven-and-a-half years, he will sit on the floor before the throne of Godzilla, knitting and cleaning in the palace and generally being humiliated. After this, he will be free once again, always provided that he does NOT impersonate the Real Godzilla™ again. If he does, he will be de-mutated back to a pitiful reptile of some kind and spend eternity shovelling Godzilla's poop.