Zog Ibbor

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The View from atop the Great Scriptorium

Zog Ibbor is the capitol city of Lusitania and the Holy City of Librarianism. In Lusitanian, Zog Ibbor literally means "Many Carcasses of Beached Dolphins." Since the connotation of these words are only poignant in Lusitanian, much of the emphasis on the stench of the aforementioned dolphin carcasses is lost in translation. The name Zog Ibbor is derived from the nauseating stink emanating from the city's harbor as well as an incident in Lusitanian mythology explaining the odor's origin.

Location and Statistics[edit]

Zog Ibbor's coordinates are: W 136, N 45. These coordinates clearly place the city in the Caribbean, not in any area in or near Mongolia, as an inexperienced and mentally impotent geographer might conclude. Zog Ibbor rests on the shores of the Caribbean sea, facing west, and is situated on an exposed portion of the Desla Shelf. A rough estimate of the population as given by master stratigraphologist Donald Trump indicates the population of Zog Ibbor is equal to or exceeds a hundred individuals. The blizzard frequency is 0%, though flurries are predicted for Wednesday.

History[edit]

Zog Ibbor is an ancient city, rumored to have been built sometime in the misty past when U-Gar, the first Lusitanian, decided to settle with his family on the shores of Vrnalb Kyyet, a Lusitanian province known for highly active sulfur volcanoes, suicidal dolphins, and vast fields of asparagus. Lusitanian legend holds that the seas near Vrnalb Kyyet are composed entirely of urine. Despite the assertations of legend (though they are romantic), the truth concerning Zog Ibbor's foundation is less than spectacular. Zog Ibbor was conquered in the name of Spain by the consquistador Humberto Gonzales during the Four Days War of 1510 A.C.. Prior to this event, Zog Ibbor had been a simple bronze age fishing village. Needless to say, the Spanish invasion devastated the city as well as surrounding areas, resulting in the slaughter of nearly every inhabitant. Zog Ibbor's status as Lusitania's only settlement further deepened the impact of the Spanish invasion, forever changing the direction of Lusitanian history.

Spanish and Mexican Occupation[edit]

Later, Zog Ibbor was rebuilt and repopulated by a uniquely Spanish-Lusitanian citzenry. Among them was a young Hypatia Lee, the founder of Librarianism. Shortly after Lee's arrival, the Spanish empire fell and all its holdings became possessions of Mexico. Many citizens were outraged that the Spanish had left them in Mexico's care and staged protests demanding Spanish re-invasion and oppression. Civil disobedience became the rule of the day, though every attempt at revolution failed. In desperation, the people of Zog Ibbor began kidnapping and smuggling in Spaniards, hatching plots to have them appointed to positions of power as needed, and executing their lawfully elected Mexican representatives with a terrible invention often mistakenly attributed to French innovation, the guillotine.

Independence[edit]

Zog Ibbor gained independence from Mexico in 1892 A.C. after the Mexican president Santa Ana visited the city and contracted herpes. City officials negotiated with him and ultimately won independence for their country by witholding their miraculous herpes cure until Ana accepted the conditions of an unconditional surrender. Subsequently, Zog Ibbor laid claim to the whole of Lusitania, as there were no remaining inhabitants save fleeing battalions of mariachis and luchadors. Happily, the Zog Ibborian Militia conquered the land with little resistance from local animals. Zog Ibbor proclaimed itself to be the capitol of Lusitania, and since the city was currently governed by a Kennedy, Lusitania was promptly recognized as a nation by the United States of America.

Zog Ibbor's history departs from that of Lusitania in 1903 upon the founding of the city of Airplane by the Wright Brothers. Zog Ibbor maintains a friendly rivalry with the competing city to this day.

Industry[edit]

Zog Ibbor is the chief Caribbean exporter of sulfur, faux tuna, and zombies. Though zombies and faux tuna are staples of very Caribbean nation, Zog Ibbor's vast catacombs and underwater sulfur volcanoes enhance the city's production a hundredfold. The extensive catacombs combine with a 100% mortality rate to produce the best zombie breeding grounds possible in a Caribbean environment. The sulfur volcanoes regularly kill massive amounts of faux tuna, causing their corpses to float to the surface and wash ashore, where they are collected by notoriously lazy and hydrophobic Zog Ibborian fishermen. Zog Ibbor has a dismal tourist industry due to the ubiquitous stench of sulfur, charnel houses, and dead fish, but it is a primary figure in the child prostitution industry. Zog Ibbor's fiercely neutral stance on the rape and exploitation of children allows city officials to collect most of the city's income through bribes and "confidentiality fees". Nevertheless, Gary Glitter was named Zog Ibbor's "Molester of the Year" in 2004.

People and Culture[edit]

Like New York, London, and Atlantis City, Zog Ibbor is surrounded by an aura that gives the city charm all its own. Zog Ibborians are known for being emaciated, jaundiced, and joyless. Due to their cultural background, Zog Ibbor officially recognizes a local language known as Kura-kura-kura-el-do that differs substantially from the indigenous Lusitanian and is forbidden to outsiders. Since only Zog Ibborians speak Kura-kura-kura-el-do, every sign and official document originating in Zog Ibbor is written in this language. This makes international and Lusitanian national relations virtually impossible for non-Zog Ibborians. Mexican is grudgingly spoken as a trade language, for day-to-day relations within the city often involve Mexicans of various nationalities.

Zog Ibborian pasttimes include nude figure-skating, base jumping, gladiatorial combat, and racially motivated hate crime. Noon is marked in Zog Ibbor by the Two Minutes Hate, in which Zog Ibborians disparage Mexico and spew ethnic slurs against those of Mexican nationality for two full minutes. Citizens of Zog Ibbor also enjoy crowding around a statue located in the oldest part of the city for no apparent reason. There, speeches and sermons are given and comedy routines are performed. The statue is supposedly one of the great American statesman Chris Farley, but it has suffered such a degree of erosion over the years that it has been rendered featureless.

The majority of Zog Ibborians are Librarians, or believers in Librarianism. Zog Ibbor is the holiest city in the Librarianist religion, hence the faith's dominance. The Great Scriptorium, the holy headquarters of the Pasha Supreme-O, is the city's tallest building and measures a whopping twenty stories. Librarians and Tome Clerics are seen wandering the streets in pursuit of mundane facts to record and often harass tourists with incessant questions and pleas for biographical information. The city's spiritual heritage allows these activities to continue unabated and thus negatively impacts the tourism industry. Additionally, The city is sporadically flooded with pilgrims seeking the Great Scriptorium.