Pluto

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“I AM A PLANET, DAMNIT!”

~ Pluto on Pluto

“PLUTO IS A PLANET, DAMNIT!”

~ Saturn on Pluto

“PLUTO IS A PLANET, DAMNIT!”

~ 2003 UB313 on Pluto

“PLUTO IS A PLANET, DAMNIT!”

~ Mars on Pluto

“PLUTO ISN'T A PLANET, DAMNIT!”

~ Earth on Pluto

“In Soviet Russia, Pluto demotes YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Pluto

“She steals like a thief, but she's always a planet to me”

~ Billy Joel on Pluto (Oscar Wilde would never associate himself with something so small!)

“Or would I?”

~ Oscar Wilde on That statement

“No I wouldn't”

~ Oscar Wilde on That statement

“And nobody questions Oscar Wilde foo'!”

~ Mr. T on That argument

"My very easy method just speeds up naming...." "naming what miss?" "planets of course!" "why didn't you tell us that miss?" - "we're not allowed to any more because Pluto isn't a planet!" "why, miss?" Some junior school science lessons are going to become very tricky indeed.

Pluto is the only not-so-planet to be wholly owned by the Walt Disney Corporation. P While Disney overlord Darth Eisner claims to only have designs on the planet as the location of a Disney theme park, disturbances in the Force indicate a far more sinister rôle in which it is to serve as a base for hostile takeover bids against other planets. Ohh and Just to point out Pluto is a planet!!!!! L

How Pluto came to be a planet

U Prior to 1930, there was much dispute between the celestial bodies regarding Mercury. Considered "the annoying younger brother," Mercury was both the fastest and the smallest planet, allowing him to be what some would call a pain in the ass to his larger, lazier siblings. After much collaboration, it was finally determined that something was needed to put this bastard in his place. Thus came Pluto. All was great between the Elite Eight after this point [although a new, catchy, alliterated name was needed to describe the now nine members (Note: due to much petitioning by Mercury, this would never come to be. Some suspect that this was because this illustrious and speedy planet had in mind all along to destroy, or at least dishonor, his newly aquainted kin)]. Now, Pluto had the role of the smallest planet, while Mercury still held strong to his role of fastest (there was some debate between the gaseous planets as to whether or not even this position should be taken from their brother, but Mars intervened, alleging that one slap in the face was enough for the time being). T

How Pluto came to be a dwarf Planet

O The next 76 years held nothing of excitement for the planets. Pluto did try to woo Venus once or twice, but the latter rejected him, saying that he was always so far away, and besides that, far too cold-hearted. Crushed, Pluto remained in his own dark corner of the solar system, never saying nor expecting much from the others. Uranus also deemed Pluto "the densest planet this side of the asteroid belt," which only increased the melancholy of the latter. I It was soon obvious that a mistake had been made back in the earlier parts of the century. Pluto was becoming more and more intolerable, what, with his superficially morbid poetry ("My caps are but Ice" and "You would cry too if you were named after the lonely leader of the Underworld" being his most known, and, consequently, most made fun of), constant gray complexion and refusal to speak for long bouts of time. The planets, however, realized that they could not openly admit that they had erred so badly, and thus needed a sufficient reason (i.e. devising an easily violated bullshit law) to remove Pluto from their numbers. This came on a particularly gloomy day, when the planets discovered that for the past 20 years, Neptune had been rather distant from the rest. It was soon apparent that Pluto had, in a last attempt to win over the heart and toxic gases of Venus, literally cut in front of Neptune, bringing his orbit closer to the sun. It was the third planet, Earth, that first noticed this drastic offence, and although Pluto tried to correct it, claiming temporary insanity, his water-covered brother would not remove the charges. This was just the excuse needed, and in 2006, each of the planets sent his/her own respective leader to Earth to determine just punishment. It was finally determined that Pluto would be demoted to a "dwarf planet." Pluto, in being handed this dunce hat of shame (along with a few well-placed whippings from Jupiter), tried to look at the situation optimistically, claiming that now instead of scum of the lions he was ruler of the ants. In truth he knew that regardless of title, he was, one way or another, just a little shit that no one much cared for. S

The War Between Pluto and Charon

File:Pluto\'s Opinion of Charon.jpg
View of the battlefield.

Charon, Pluto's neighbor, is currently at war with Pluto about who is bigger. This is highly regarded as the biggest penis contest of all time. Since Pluto is owned by Walt Disney and one single scene is viewed again and again and again and again and again.... GASP! It looks very small. However, NASA pictures have confirmed that since Pluto is a series of scenes put out on a blanket, Charon IS bigger. But still they have began to kill each-other through angry mops, angry mobs, puns, guns, buns and fun. YAY! A One day some like fucking MASSIVE planet like Jupiter will come over and say, "OK, YOU'RE BOTH F*CKING TINY, SO SHUT THE F*CK UP!". P Pluto is, naturally, suspected to be made of pie. Pluto is also very obese, unlike Mercury, which does press-ups daily. The heat from the Sun also helps melt away pounds. L

Pluto fans who want to save its "planet" status barrow marketing techniques from other organizations.

A

Post-Demotion Era

N Although most of the planets are quite content with their choice to demote Pluto to a state of dwarfdom, some are now annoyed by Mercury's re-instated arrogance. At the same time, a few subsidiaries of Earth have started to protest this decision, having been infested for a few thousand years with the idea of "Justice" (a concept, ironically enough, first philosophized by Plato, which kind of sounds like Pluto). Others claim that Venus should suffer the same fate, having violated the inter-planet relationship laws over the past few years, by allegedly maintaining rather scandolous relationships with both Mars and at least three of Jupiter's moons. It is commonly known that when Venus's own toxic gases mix with the distance and coolness of other bodies, a strangely idiosyncratic substance, "life," is formed [note: sometimes, if the affair was short-lasting (i.e. Mars wasn't as great a "warrior" as he thought), only the primary stages of this substance, or "water," are present]. Although no definite evidence has yet to be found incriminating Venus, Earth is, out of relative jealousy, very quickly sending probes to the locations of her lovers in hopes of finding either of these two dirty, dirty chemicals. As for Pluto, he's still lumbering along in his typical, pseudo-elliptical fashion, staying out of the way. And the other 8 thank him greatly for that. E

Pluto's Natural Resources

T Pluto's one major natural resource is pluto-nium, which is a non-radioactive, life-giving magical substance that makes you grow all of your hair back. It also specializes in math and hamsters. But since it is mined on a planet owned by Walt Disney and Darth Eisner, it has been used in so many cartoons that its originality has been destroyed, making it unsuitible for exportation. G Uses for Plutonium E Pluto-nium, with its ability to grow hair, makes it suitable to kill Darth Vader, who hates hair. It can also help you cheat on your math tests. It is especially useful for those who forget their flashlights at camp because Pluto-nium makes one glow in the dark. T

O

Holidays on Pluto

V Some foolish people have tried to go on holiday to Pluto and discovered that jumping up and down 'til you fall over is a useless way to get there. One person managed to jump out of an aeroplane with a rocket strapped to his back, but this only served to cause him painful spleen damage. E Pluto is extremely hot, though, so anyone actually reaching it would instantly boil away into goo, thus leaving a tasty treat for llamas, which are the only animal to live on Pluto at this time. R Often, when people sail to Pluto to go on holiday there, they mix the planet up with the dog, and are even surprised when it starts barking at them when they try to find a hotel in this dog. I

Famous Plutonians

T

See Also

   v  d  e
            Planets
Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne | 55 Cancri e
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets: