54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry

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The 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry Regiment was an infantry regiment that saw extensive service in Kentuckistan during the American Civil War. The regiment was one of the first units in the KFC army to incorporate African-American soldiers.[I Don't Believe This] First brought together in 1945 by Field Marshall Erwin Nimitz, the unit was armed with stones and molotov cocktails as the KFC Wehrmacht was low on funds. Eventually, however, the United States surrounded and captured the regiment and took it in as its own.

Assembly[edit]

In the Autumn of 1945, during a mid-evening stroll through the Rhineland, Field Marshall Erwin Nimitz decided the KFC army needed a regiment of black troops. He put in the decree to the highest levels of the KFC government, even reaching Chancellor Colonel Sanders. Sanders himself signed off on the decree and the 54th Massachusetts was born. However, this is the story fed through the propaganda machine of Gravy to thoroughbred retards. The real origin of the 54th Massachusetts is as follows:

Back in 45% BC, the 54th was nothing more than a bunch of brutal niggers in the desserts of Africa. While the nomadic savages roamed the vanilla flavored desserts of Africa, Colonel Sanders abducted them and trained them in the martial art of Chick-Fu. However, underneath all of this was a divine ordeal. The true creator of the universe Gravy, had come down to Earth in a humanoid form to fool the unenlightened and brainwash them Christianity so he could cover the cross in gravy. On the way to abduct his captives, Colonel Sanders became the prophet of Gravy after his head fell into a bowl of mashed tomatoes following rough sweaty sex involving Biff's belly button which become an in innie from the ordeal. Colonel Sanders received the divine orders of Gravy and formed the Swiss Cheese Guard to protect his holiness. In later years, the Swiss Cheese Guard was disguised as the 54th to protect the secret of Gravy.

Function[edit]

Nimitz assigned Colonel Robert Gawd Shaw to lead the new regiment, an honor which came with a bucket of the Colonel's famous chicken. Shaw, being famished after the time consuming campaigns in North Africa, gladly accepted his new post. But, the glory, like the chicken, soon expired. Shaw saw that his regiment was armed with nothing more than slingshots and molotov cocktails. The molotov cocktails had been only half of the original shipment as the 54th's soldiers believed they were actually cocktails and began consuming them, resulting in over a quarter of the troops in the regiment to die of poisoning. Shaw soon rallied more black troops by enticing them with chicken and white women. Shaw and his regiment saw some action in the plains of Northern New York after the Yankees created an insurrection over the price of hotdogs at baseball stadiums.

Capture[edit]

During the wars with the Yankee militia, which was backed by the United States, the militia surrounded and forced the regiment to surrender. After the insurrection was resolved, the United States rechartered the regiment under the US flag and reinstated Shaw as the commander.

Operation Under the United States[edit]

The 54th fought valiantly in the civil war in the United States over the schism between Coca-cola and Pepsi-cola. After a brief period of partying, the United States sent in the 54th to disband the corrupt KFC Bowl government in Iraq, which was being supported by Colonel Qaddafi of Libya and Hezbollah. The objective was impossible to reach as the regime had set up special distractions which the black soldiers of the 54th could not ignore, such as buckets of KFC chicken, white women, and the occasional bootleg porno. The mission was in fact a suicide mission, as the United States wanted to get rid of the 54th without too much paperwork.

Disbandment[edit]

The 54th sustained casaulties of over 99.32% while fighting the corrupt KFC Bowl regime and was consequently disbanded after shipping back to the States. Colonel Shaw, then in his late 50's, was killed in combat and his corpse was shipped back pickled in a wooden barrel.

Reunion[edit]

The remaining 5 members of the 54th got back together in early 2005 for a reunion special which was broadcast on KFCtv. Colonel Robert Gawd Shaw was rejuvenated and resurrected from his pickled state through the use of powerful voodoo magic and zombie-inducing viruses. He, however, was still quite rigid. The other 5 members of the 54th were Private Curly Joe Johnson, Petty Officer Carl Johnson (which explained his elite shooting skills), Marshall Jim Raynor, Corporal Needy Blackmore, and Private Third Class Random White Groupie. During the Reunion all surviving members watched porn and ate chicken, eventually culminating in everyone playing Half-Life 2 deathmatch to kill the boredom. Later, all the members tried to have a sixsome with the Random White Groupie resulting in none of the members speaking to each other.

Trivia[edit]

  • The 54th was named after Massachusetts because High Chancellor Colonel Sanders had just taken the State in the Kentuckistan-American War of 1928-1954. He also did not want to name any more divisions after Kentuckistan as there were already 29 of them in the KFC army.
  • During its lifetime, the 54th Massachusetts consumed over 87 tons of fried chicken, causing massive arterial cloggage in the troops, which may have been a contributing factor to their defeat in Iraq. It should be noted that 87 tons of fried chicken can feed the country of Romania until Jesus returns to Earth.

See also[edit]