Balaam

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“I love Balaam… his ass could talk - LOL!!!”

Balaam was a figure in the Old Testament whose ass spoke to him. One day while he was riding to Beor to meet Balak, his ass suddenly said, "Hey, Balaam! Stop sqoeezing me onto the couch like that when you have to drink a wine! And could you cut it out with the pork chops? They only add cellulite to me whenever you eat them -- look at how fat I am already? Plus, they're not even kosher! And your boxer shorts are forming elastic marks around me!" The ass then finished with "Gosh, you've treated me like this for 430 years", approximating the age of another Biblical figure.