Bright Eyes

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Formed somewhere, the band Bright Eyes is only for people who haven't graduated college, and might believe a singing voice that borders on a total crying fit could be in any way unconvtrived and heartfelt. Thankfully, t-shirts are manufactured and distributed at live performances to help label and identify these emotionally-retarded morons in everyday settings.

Early Years[edit]

Started by thirteen year old Conor Oberst in the vast cornfields of Nebraska, Bright Eyes had humble beginnings. All knew that he would be amazingly sexy and talented, but none thought that it would be that good. After finding a guitar and Boss Dr. Beat Drum Machine and major label distribution deal, Conor Oberst figured out he could make a whole **censored** load of money by writing lyrics that people understood. This of course came in the form of a copy of the Cure's Disintegration and several hard hours of rough molestation from various family members and clergymen. This would become the basis for a lot of whiny songs that would get girls at the beginning of puberty very aroused.

The Beginning of the End[edit]

Slightly before Conor Oberst formed his band, mostly comprised of girls with whom he had sex with by means of crying and lubrication, his brother decided to form his own record label. Saddle Creek Records is now home to the widest catalog of gay porn scores in the nation. With such eclectic artists as Cursive and that other band with the guy from Cursive singing the same songs under a different name and various other people who have had sex with Conor Oberst, Saddle Creek is set to take the world by storm with their blatantly anti-commercial disregard for doing things that don't matter but would lose money and their copying of trends that weren't popular when more people did drugs and cared about music. The Saddle Creek may well be at the forefront of music to get people that wear hoodies and sideways white belts laid, an entire record label of indie hipsters who think there better than everyone else and don't eat meat for the new century.

Conor also did tons of cocaine which is why he started making music to fuel his drug addiction, he also once broke into a sugar factory and snorted all of the sugar which is why his voice sounds so terrible because he can't breath right so he just whines a lot.

Bright Eyes is sometimes considered better than Green Day. However, this is often disputed based on the time of day and relative deafness of the listener. Rock scholar Alice Cooper has said, " Doesn't matter. They both suck sheep balls."

Suspected Links To Disease[edit]

Several prepubescent male whores from the streets of Babylon have come forth and confessed to having intimate anal relations with Oberst, and that they contracted the ungodly affliction Conorhea from these interactions. Conorhea, if left untreated (the only known treatment is sex with a member of the opposite sex who doesn't have a lopsided fringe and large white rimmed glasses) can result in the permanent status downgrade to an Emo Fag, and even to the unwanted association with faggot scene kids and to eventual death from rabid panthers.

Radio Station Mishaps And Other Godly Occurrences When Under The Influence Of the Deathly Mix Of Bright Eyes And Crack Cocaine[edit]

While at a radio show recording, Oberst decided to let loose a few secrets about the influences behind his whiny music and also, the reasons everyone thinks he's such a cokewhore.

Interviewer: "So you have released 2 albums this year and toured for most of the year and you have your own record company. You must be tired." Conor: "Yes." Interviewer:....."Of the two albums you released this year one is quite a bit different from the other?" C: "Yes."

C: "I'm not really in a band this is just my cover because I'm a private investigator. As soon as I get my soil samples back I'm gonna catch that crook who keeps murdering bums in the E-Town creek."

Interviewer: "How about your apperance of the Jay Leno show."

C: "Jay was great. I really wanted to get a burrito today. Just a bean and cheese burrito, nothing else. The waitress at the Mamacitas restaurant said that she couldn't bring me that because I had to pick something off the menu. BOULDER IS A HORRIBLE TOWN FOR BURRITOS STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE A BURRITO!"

I: "You've been doing a lot of political songs lately" C: "Yes. I like little girls." Girl screams from audience: "I LOVE YOU CONOR!" C: "You're too old for me, I only like 5-6 year olds."..."

Unfortunately afterward he discovered the radio show was an affiliate of Clear Channel and he subsequently blew up several houses to unleash his rabid anger, then went and featured on Tool's new album. You can hear him wailing behind the screaming guitar and vomit-inducing synths on every track except track 10. Ironically, track 10 was the only successful single off the album.

Use in Psychology[edit]

Bright Eyes has often been used in medicine, especially psychology, to determine if someone is a homosexual. Similar to the well-known test using N*Sync to indicate chronic stupidity, doctors often perform CAT scans while the subject listens to I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, a positive result occurring if the subject finds pleasure in the music. Several well-known figures including Oscar Wilde, Freddy Mercury, Michael Portillo, Harrison Ford and Duke Nukem were outed this way.

Recent News: Bright Eyes Induces Record Number Of Suicides - Even More Than Bob Dylan![edit]

A recent survey orchestrated by MTV (because who wants to actually hear or see real music when they switch on Music Television?) revealed that 145,760 suicides in the last 5 years have been because of Bright Eyes, as determined from suicide notes. Seemingly this revelation will be used as ammunition on the Internetz and in Babylon (Bright Eyes' largest fan base) in the war taking place in worthless magazines between Bright Eyes and Bob Dylan, for the prestigious title of Best Whiny Faux-Political SInger-SongWriter.

Selected Song Synopsis'[edit]

Obersts songs are very rich in metaphor, making them very difficult to decipher. His voice doesn't help either. However, after years of research, students at Berkley think they may have figured out some of what Oberst was trying to say.

-Arienette: This song is about how scary the world can be on a really bad crack trip, and how Oberst has a made-up girlfriend for emotional support during such an occasion. Of course, Oberst isn't really sure if she's made up or not, stating in an interview that "She's not [A real person] I made her up. [But] She's just as real as you or I."

-Sunrise, Sunset: Quite possibly Obersts most depressing song, this song has everything an emo could possibly want. The extremely existential lyrics and hard guitar riffs, paired with Obersts normal emotional voice really accent the mood. The song mostly consists of the words "Sunrise, sunset" (Hence the title) And various references to how we all become more and more depressed, caught in an endless cycle of inescapable death and procrastination. Oberst has actually noted this as being his "Least favorite song" as he prefers to think of himself as a folk musician rather than an emo whiner, but when some one suggested that he stop whining in an emo fashion, and begin actually writing folk songs, he cried.

See also[edit]


  • Conor Oberst Never Actually Recorded anything.

Truthfully he never existed. He did though, invent a new form of bukkake