Brussels is the bustling capital and largest city in Belgium, with a population of 5 people, one of them dead. This explains why you've never heard of it, and will probably forget about it about five seconds after you finish this article. But nevertheless, it's a very large city, and it's always bustling with activity! Seriously!
Of the 10 buildings in Brussels, all but one are either gift shops or buildings with no purpose at all, aside from just trying to make the city look bigger. The five people who live in the city all live in one house. Of the five people in town, one serves as mayor, along with filling every other government position in the town (he changes nametags so people can tell what role he's currently playing). One of them runs the public transportation system, one of them runs all the restaurants, one of them is homeless, and one of them is dead, though the locals pretend he is alive so they don't have to admit to the 20% decrease in the population.
Though you might not think that a city this small would be very active, it actually
isn't is. Hundreds of very important policy decisions are made every day, such as what kind of food the locals want to have for dinner, and whether or not to repeal a law on the number of fish people are allowed to catch. Belgium is actually so small that this fishing law is the only law in the country. Government officials keep themselves entertained by altering the law every five seconds. "It's the only issue we have here, but it's a very heavily discussed issue," says the mayor of Brussels, "I mean, yesterday, we had a guest speaker come to town who was so good at pretending he cared about the law, I was almost convinced. Almost."
Tourism is very important for Brussels. The main tourist attraction is the royal residency, where the Belgian king, Marc Dutroux the Second lives and (once every eight years or so)works. There are public beheadings of adulterous women and Congolese grocery store owners every Saturday and Sunday at the town square, to entertain the two or three tourists that the town ever gets. "We ran out of people to behead very quickly," says the mayor, "So every night, we re-attach the heads we cut off so we can behead the same bodies the next morning. People tend not to notice, as nobody really cares anyway." In the small shop outside the castle, you can buy pictures of freshly raped and tortured children. There is also a small statue of a masturbating toddler in the historical town centre, called "Manneken Pis" ("The Pissing Guy"). It is considered to be a national symbol of Belgium. Other tourist attractions include a thrilling wastebasket, and an extremely interesting tree, locations that attract over 2 tourists a year.
Brussels is covered by no less than 15 public transport companies. They have been involved in a bitter inter-tribal war for the small amount of customers in the town for decades. "The Brussels transportation system is highly efficient," says one of the four living people in the city on her way to work, "It's really fast. Of course, the city is only 45 feet wide, but hey! I can get a bus to take me across town in literally seconds. Of course, I could walk across town in seconds...but it's still quite the system."
The public transport system in Brussels revolves around two major hubs. These are 'Geen dienst' in the north of the city and 'Hors service' in the south. There is no direct connection between the two except on foot. A common method of geting around in Brussels is to kill yourself, and hope that your coffin falls off the back of the herse at your intended destination. Ideal for tourists.
Population and city government
Even though there are only five residents, they are all members in over 500 organized labor groups, including the European Institute for Escort Prostitution (EIEP), the International Institute for Economic Protectionism (IIEP), the North Atlantic Toothpicking Organisation (NATO), the European Food and Excrements Agency (EFEA), and the European Helicopter Pilots' Labour Union (EHP'LU).
Brussels is officially a bilingual city (languages spoken are Dutch and a variety of French called English). Due to this fact, Brussels has four different mayors, one who speaks Dutch, one who speaks English, one who speaks French, and one highly qualified translator speaking all of these languages at the same time, who most inhabitants of Brussels believe to be actually an undercover Mossad agent.
One of the five city residents works as a police officer, who arrests random tourists occasionally to keep himself entertained.
Did you know?
- ...that Brussels has no Famous Belgians, because there are almost no Belgian inhabitants in the city?
- ...that traffic problems on the ringroad around Brussels have become worse after the European Union decided to allow pedestrian traffic on all European highways "in order to alleviate sidewalk traffic and respect the rights of dog owners and junkies"?
- ...that the Brussels red tape industry, the largest in the world, is currently experiencing serious difficulties, due to the decision of the European Union to allow only blue tape with a small golden fringe not exceeding 12 mm in width, but not under 5 mm?
- ...that characters in fiction have visited Brussels, such as Dr. Evil and Rambo?
- ...that Napoleon Bonaparte urinated on the Alamo, and was subsequently banned from Brussels?
- ...that public urination is legal and encouraged by the king in Brussels?
- ...that Brussels contains no culture?