Burger King

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“Through the teeth and over the gums! Watch out thighs here it comes!”

~ Master Toto on Whoppers

“My Boi! This is what all true burgers strive for!”

~ The King on Burger King

“And the fast food restaurant with the most health violations is...Burger King!”

~ Real Report on MSNBC, because you can't make this stuff up on Burger King
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Burger King.
His Majesty, Karl Henrich Von Königburgen being escorted by his secret service

The House of Burger has ruled Burgonia since Emperor Whopper III overdosed, after huffing 52 kittens, which eventually won him the Nobel Peace Prize in 1738. Centuries of inbreeding have since left the royal house feeble-minded and soggy. The royal family has roots in McDonald's, and is thus held in contempt by the general populace. They are well known in the food industry. The current monarch is Queen Cheeseburger II, who shall be succeeded by Prince Bacon Cheeseburger once the Peterson family finishes their meal.

Upon the discovery of the new world, Burgonia has attempted to build its own fast food empire, the likes of which Oprah has never seen. The House of Burgerses was the first attempt at what Burgonians referred to as grease government, and established precedents which would create a nation bred on grease and fat philosophy when the colonials declared their independence from the soggy Burgonians. The Burgonians then reacted by eating all the lettuce so no burger could be made ever again in that country.


Burger King CEO Christopher Walken eliminates the competition in a drive thru shooting.
Main article: The Burger King

Burger King is also Oprah Winfrey's favourite place to eat after deciding to stop eating at McDonald's. However, Jabba O'Donnell continues to eat at McDonald's because of the high amount of obese children in McNuggets.

The Burger King is a wanted Criminal in the USA charged with the crime of "Reverse Pick Pocketing" the act of putting money into people's pockets. The FBI warns people the following "Beware this man can put money in your pockets!". FBI director William Gates says "This is UnAmerican, Communism is against the law here since it was used to assassinate John F. Kennedy in the 1960's by Fidel Castro putting money in everyone's pockets and one of them bought a rifle with the money and shot JFK. We only support Capitalism in the USA."

Daphne Blake was killed in 1989 at their Hollywood location by Ronald McDonald during McDonald's Murder but the King shot McDonald in the leg.

Burger Kings in history[edit]

  • "Jesus" – founder of the Burgonian Empire.
He was tricked into eating a Big Mac for his last meal, leading his crucifixtion to be even more painful.
  • Burgermeister Meisterburger – An overweight toy hating dictator who governed a small town and banned toys. He was ruined when Santa Clause came to town. Afterward he made delicious burgers and started a chain of fast food restaurants. He also got married, changed his name to Finis Everglot, cranked out a daughter and starred in Corpse Bride.
  • Burgermeister II – a military genius who is largely known for his onion ring sling invention.
  • Burgermeister III – first utilized the German Fries in his conquest of France, and was wed briefly to Dairy Queen.
  • Suleiman the Whoppalicious – founder of the Whopper® artillery division. First ever documented Burgerschaft ritual between his majesty and his favorite Eunuch
  • The Demon Lord Burger King – a great connoisseur of Brain Peppers. Outlawed Burgerschaft eating in favor of Bruderschaft drinking.
  • El Whoppo – the Spicy Mexican-style Burger, rumored to be the El Chupanebre.
  • Cheesimus Maximus Festus Carter – the last All-Beef king (Later kings are now mostly pork and dirt with BBQ sauce).
  • Patty the IV – reigned for 25 minutes until his older brother Craig came back inside the castle. Patty the IV was immediately beheaded and eaten by his brother.
  • Dono BK the 1st – ruled for two years and employed midgets to make burgers. Soon the midgets where able to over throw Dono and he was never heard from again. Had just barely enough time to restore Burgerschaft to its original splendor.
  • The Dark Lord – the current guy behind the mask.
  • The House of Burgerses – The first attempt at restaurant chains in the 13 American colonies.
  • The New Lord Of Fat – The Lord of all the fattys who have been captured to unleash on the skinny.
  • Flabius Maximus A Roman general who was fired because of his morbidly obese physique
  • Larry King (Out of topic)
  • Burger bin King founder of Al-Burger terror academy in Burgeristan.
  • The Burger Bush The current dictator of burger land, it grows burgers from its head. He invaded Burgeristan in 2002, and killed Burger bin Laden, who was secretly his half brother.

The End of the King[edit]

Burger King supports US and A's War of Terror.

The Burger King also recently debuted in a new Strip club show produced by Brittany Spears. Yet after seeing Brittany strip down to pastries, he threw up all of his own burgers. The next day, he couldn't stand what he saw the last night and hanged himself. The Burger Queen later sued he Brittany and won.he is known to make the infamous fanny burger which consist of the vagina of a virgin British maiden Brittany Spears is now never allowed to strip or sing again as an act in trying to save the world.

Burger King quotes[edit]

  • "Ich heisse der Burger-König. Möchten Sie meinen Whopper sehen?"
  • "I did not have sexual relations with that woman. See her husband? I did have relations with him. Hey look, I just put in a dollar menu! Am I forgiven now?"
  • "Ich Bin Ein F'n Whopper!"
  • "Why does everyone insist on screaming at the mic? I'm there with my headset hello welcome to Burger King how may I take your order? WHOPPER!!!!!!!!!! Sir? WHOPPER NO ONION!!!!!!!!!!

Food Industry[edit]

The Burger King trying to invent rump beef burgers by pirating the idea from Hardee's

The House of Burger has made a fortune in the food industry. The Burger Kings are known to cook with fire, and often steal ideas from other food empires because they are pirates when it comes to business. Here you can see a Burger King trying to invent the anus beef burger in an attempt to pirate business away from Hardee's who invented it first. Though Taco Bell gets credit for the conception of anus salad and anus gorditas.

Burger King and Hobos[edit]

Hobos see Burger King as their salvation, a god if you will. Ever since Burger King in disguise of Ned Kelly raided the Hobo Feeding Asylums in 854 B.C., all hobos have followed the mighty Burger King light in the sky. Then they find out it's just another booze induced hallucination, which causes them to be depressed and steal some more booze. Coincidentally, drunken hobos are a lot easier to drag to the Burger King's meat grinder. That is the main meat in a Whopper stunner deal (tripe is also included).

Failed Assassination attempts[edit]

First assassination attempt[edit]

Burger King soon discovered that the Ronald Mcdonald he killed earlier in his career was only one of Ronald Clones and had to be dealt with again. He wire taped and eventually found out that he was going on a late night drive with KFC. Burger King followed them through the night and eventually cornered them. He used twin Desert Eagles to blast through there glass. KFC is now run by Mr.T and The Ronalds was another clone. Burger King is now wanted for To-Many-Reasons-To-List (No wonder he made Sneak King for the the Xbox)

Second assassination attempt[edit]

Second assassination attempt occurred in January 2008 during the premiere of the infamous and deadly Quad, the Whopper with four hell-bound patties. The King was at a Burger King restaurant in Wisconsin having a burger-signing (the fast-food equivalent to a book signing). Just outside the restaurant, the Subway representative, Jarred, was lined up the cross hairs of his Remmington M12A1 sniper rifle directly on the gracious King's forehead. Jarred, with sweat dripping from his brow, chambered the 7mm round, swallowed, and turned off the safety. Right when he firmly placed his finger on the trigger, he hears a chilling *ch-klak* behind him. Jarred's head jerks around to see the Burger King, standing over him with a 44 magnum directed to his head. Jared, shocked and confused, looks back down his scope to see the restaurant filled with bewildered customers looking for their beloved hero. When Jared turns back to the King, he is greeted by a pistol whip right to the temple.

Third assassination attempt[edit]

Jarred wakes up several hours later in a bomb shelter-like room, with his clothes missing and his rectum sore. Jared puts on his glasses he got from Abercrombie & Fitch, and finds himself surrounded by Whoppers, and no door to be seen. But they weren't just Whoppers, but god damned Quads. Jared was able to last four days without breaking his oath only to eat Subway, and gorged himself with the unholy burgers. Gaining back all the wait he lost several years prior. Suddenly, a door opened and Jared found himself walking out onto the streets of New York.

Jared, feeling as though he betrayed his "followers", killed himself several days later. After the failed assassination attempt by Jared Fogle retribution sparked. On a hot summer day in July of 2008 a man pathetically dressed as a knight walked into a Subway and pulled out an AK-47 screaming ,"FOR THE KIIIIING!" while shooting wildly into the air and at a cardboard cutout of Jared. This brought the immediate attention of an off duty police officer who was eating his five dollar foot long and took action by taking down the badly dressed gunman before anyone got hurt. To this day Burger King is greatly happy for its devoted yet insane customers, but Burger King refuses to take responsibility for this incident.

The annual Burger King joust[edit]

The King takes no chances this time.

Once a year in the fall a spectacular joust takes place. The joust is always hosted in L.A. as spectators and jousters come all around to duel each other to be worthy enough to face the Burger King himself. Many have proven worthy to face and defeat the King in the past but all have failed to do so. Reason is the jousters who have faced the King have been known to be intimidated by his menacing expression that lays before them. Such problems that are faced by jousters are the following:

  • Wetting of the pants
  • Crapping of the pants
  • Heart trouble
  • Being scared shitless

...and that is pretty much all the problems the jousters have faced so far (Update: It has been recently found out that another problem is that when the king gives his opponent a creepy stare, he instantly combusted into a raging human fireball)

Until this day no man has been able to beat the Burger King in a joust. The Burger King has won the annual tournament every year until some brave foolish soul has the guts and strength to defeat the king.

Cquote1.png Ye jousters of the country, ye will never defeat me and my kingdom of burgers as long as I shall live. All those who lose to me will lick my ass three times and go eat at Wendy's for she is the only one whose burgers are more disgusting and frozen than mine. Thank you, come again. - The Burger King Cquote2.png

He's Watching You...[edit]


See also[edit]


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