Côte d'Ivoire

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Côte d'Ivoire is a nosy little African country. It was formerly known as Ivory Coast in English, but the upstart officials of Côte d'Ivoire decided that everyone must start calling the country by the French name, regardless of their native language. This is both inhumane and stupid as most people do not have the slightest idea of how the ghastly thing should be pronounced. The Côte d'Ivoire'ians seem to think that it is incredibly cool to have a ^ in one's name. Actually, it is not. A ¨, a ~ and a ´ are awesome, even an ` occasionally, but a ^ is just plain pretentious.

Facts about Côte d'Ivoire

  • Capital City: Le Coq d'Or
  • Capital: $7.50
  • Land area: Not so big
  • Coast -um, Côte line: It's got some.
  • Currency: Central African Frog (CAF) = 89.76 average pieces of luggage
  • Head of state: Ghost of Ol' Joe Houphuët-Boigny
  • Executive leader: Elmer Fudd IV
  • Export articles: Elephant skeletons, refined butter, faulty politics
  • Special ability: Zero-gravity rays
  • Flag description: Fabric, usually seen up in a flagpole
  • Defence: The Ivory Coast Guard
  • Official language: French, tu idiot!

National anthem

(Sung to Offenbach's Can-Can from Orpheus in the Underworld)

Oh, Côte d'Ivoire!

So sings the choir!

This is the country,

The proud nation which

Harvested a lot of i-vo-ryyy

And so became real rich!

We came through the jungle

To sing you this song,

We aren't afraid of the bumble(-bee)

And so it won't take long.

So, all hail the tricolor,

The one that has three colours!

Dum-da-da-dum-dum-DUM TA!


The first country ever to be ruled by a person who won both the Atlantic City Pageant and the International Bismarck Look-a-like Competition, Côte d'Ivoire was founded in 1799 by the French explorers Jean-Claude, Jean-Pierre, Jean-Paul, another Jean-Paul, and Jean-Guillame. They soon discovered the enormous ivory bushes, the only known plants that grow fruit made of ivory. They robbed every single ivory bush, then ran away, sold the ivory fruit to a company manufacturing inflatable pool balls for the mentally challenged. The explorers made a fortune by betraying their country in such a shameful way. It did not bother them much, since they bought a bungalow on the Canary Islands and lived there for the rest of their lives.

In 1854, Ol' Joe Houphouët-Boigny declared himself President of Côte d'Ivoire. He stayed in power until his death in 1990, after which his ghost has been in charge of the country. Houphouët-Boigny is credited with having single-handedly crafted the world's longest toothpick (17.6 metres). Côte d'Ivoire has always been one of the most stable African countries, experiencing merely 215 violent military-led coup d'états. Côte d'Ivoire is the so far the only country to follow the Accidental calendar developed by Pope Eusebius in A.D. 310 (-8A in the Accidental calendar). Thus, 2005 is the accidental year 795.3 in Côte d'Ivoire.

What to see in Côte d'Ivoire

That is indeed a good question.

  • The National Spam Museum, located in Coq d'Or, displays more than 7,000,000,000 spam messages received by email from all over the world.
  • The Ghost of Ol' Joe Huophouët-Boigny can at times be seen hovering by the windows of the Royal Presidential Palace.
  • The National Gallery, 12 Rue de Faux, Le Coq d'Or, is home to some of the most outstanding fake Picassos in the central hemisphere.