Charlie and the Porn Industry

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Charlie and the Porn Industry, a parody of the new testament written by Roald Dahl in 19tickity-tock, is a non-fiction book by Michael Ellman based on the recent, more popular documentary, Willy's Wonka and the Chocolate Fetishery. One of the best stories of the 67th century, it is more than just a business guide, it explains how one can effectively run a chocolate company in a post-90's world. Despite is length, it has several key points that can be summarized, most of which center around hinderances to a well run corporation:


Tired of Veruca's constant bitching, Willy gives her a taste of the real world.

The story follows the life of one Churley Fukkit, (who has no blood or finial relation to the charlie, and or the chocolate factory mentioned in the title) who wins a free ride on a beaver carosel, which ends up being owned by a Pedophile named Willy Wonka. From here the story turns into sort of a drug induced nightmare where hurley and other good boys and girl cannabalistically eat Oompa Loompas whilst their parents video record it in an effort to remake that Paris Hilton documentary that was leaked out over the internet, whilst dancing to remixed Green Day in a big candy room.

Like most stories, this one has a moral, which is, watch out for Willy's willy, and his squirrels, because they'll get ya! The conflict of this story is that someone has to diffuse the bomb that is attached to the skull of Violet Beauregard's Dad, before it jumps off, and iffects someone important like Random Hobo #97 from Groundhog Day. The conclusion of the story when Churley hijacks Willy's elevator, and presses all the buttons before jumping out. This leaves a disorientated Wonka stumbling around in a box caught in a net. Churley then lands and drowns in the chocolate lake. The overall moral is that if you want to commit suicide, jump out of a glass elevator. Not only does it get noticed, but it is also makes you look fucking awesome.

This book/movie is appropriate for all ages, except the original movie version, which invloves kinky oompa loompa pornography, which is not suitable for children under the age of 2.


"I'm sorry Mike, but you have to be at least this tall to live." - Willy Wonka
  • Augustus Gloop - Augustus represents raving fanaticism. While the fan of a product expects to be accepted by the product's maker, the maker often looks down on them with pity and contempt. The maker typically sees the fanatic as one who lacks moderation, and despite devotion to their product, lacks any other sort of life. This includes people who cover their walls with Star Wars, Star Trek, and Anime memorabilia. Generally, the fan does not make a good employee.
  • Violet Beauregarde - The body expansion fetishist. She decides to test a product before it's testing cycle is ready, and manages to disrupt the Research and Development process. While an enthusiastic tester is welcome at times, there is a tendency to run off with a company's product plans and white papers, despite the heavy NDA imposed.
  • Veruca Salt - Veruca has a wealthy and influential father, which is exactly what the CEO doesn't want to associate himself with. The CEO has no need of business partners, using his own independent management techniques; he also risks a partner who will split the company or become a future competitior. But most important of all, he doesn't want to deal with some guy bringing their spoiled, spoiled bitch to work every day. She fucked up the squirrel room by begging to her daddy for one of the squirrels so she could keep it as a sex slave due to her secret beastality fetish. The squirrels threw her into the trash like the bad nut she is. And her father too. They could have been incinerated, but unfortunately, God had a problem with that as he has empathy for spoiled brats.
  • Mike Teavee - Mike represents the Tech department, and shows enthusiasm for new products, much like Violet. His problem, namely, is one of authority, as his technical expertise is in conflict with his young age and lack of experience. With a father who is, quite frankly, his bitch, Mike is an arrogant worker and has a real chance of being laid off after coming in to contact with a falling cement brick.
  • Churley - Charlie is the only one who doesn't fuck everything up until the end.

Now, how does a CEO manage a corporation while maintaining their fierce independence and assurance of quality production techniques? Simply put, the moral of the story is outsourcing.

The CEO must find workers who are willing to put their all into a product, work for nonexistent wages, and sing and dance at the tip of a hat. These workers must have an almost communist worth ethic to provide capitalist goals. They must be located in an area free of competition from rival companies, and they must be capable and willing at all times to put the company ahead of their own family.

The appended ending deals with the CEO's family, taking place after a triumphant product demo finally passes Beta. The CEO takes Charlie to his ingenious father, who designed The Matrix. His father notes that although they are in separate industries, their level of success is unsurpassed by their respective competitors.

The CEO accounces his retirement plan to Charlie, and manages to secure Charlie's family with stock options, and Charlie's father is given tech certification to bypass the corporate system. Then, to Charlie's shock and amazement, he is given a controlling share of the company. If the CEO were to die in some unfortunate accident, Charlie would be able to do whatever he wanted with the company, including selling it.

This may seem like unneeded risk on the CEO, who only thinks he's near retirement. The truth is, he has found a worker who will make a trustworthy manager and future CEO. Thereupon, a week after that, the CEO dies.