Cilla Black

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Cilla, before the invention of the colour television, therefore hiding the shame of what lay on her ghastly head. As soon as the secret appeared in The Sun newspaper, she was shipped to Area 51 for medical testing. The teeth were found to be made of a mineral not found on planet earth and was named, Cillium. One of Mr. T's chains was made entirely out of this rare material and supposedly cost him %5 million. It later chewed off his limbs one night as he slept. I guess you could say it cost him an arm and a leg.

“Sure, it got a few people together for some romance, but it was really all about total world domination...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Blind Date

Cilla Black was Britain's most/least loved scouse television presenter, author and creator of the RAF, Mother of George Formby, Host of shows such as Blind Date, Topless Darts, Blind Date Extra On ITV 2, Who Wants to See Me Naked?, Blind Fooling Around After The Date, Record Breakers, Blind Midgets, Wacky Races, What Blinds Should You Choose?, Mastermind, The Blind Olympics, Godzilla Vs. Mothra and Pimp My Ride UK. She was also a VJ on MTV for a short period in the 1920's, but was sacked after she giving birth to Rod Stewart live on air. Although originally a singer, her vocal chords were surgically removed after a controversial court case brought forward by the Nation of China. Tried acting, but her hands and feet were surgically removed after a controversial court case brought forward by voters of a live television phone-in vote. Found success with television presenting with a show that lasted 450 years, Blind Date. The success is largely attributed to her whiney, high, annoying voice torturing viewers unfortunate enough to switch over so much that they would drop their remotes and cry.


Cilla was once just an egg, in a land time forgot... Liverpool. Hatching a whole week before her siblings, Black Sabbath, Johnny Cash (The man in black), the movie Meet Joe Black, every version of the Black Album and Al Gore, she was soon battling for food in her nest, once attacking Ozzy Osbourne with a spear. Her childhood went by quickly, with games of Scrabble by the fire, playing on her Commodore 64 and grooming Lionel Ritchie into the killer he is today taking up most of her time. However, one day, disaster would strike and she would begin to mutate into a ginger. Her only logical choice would be to go into show-business, thereby making million of people suffer needlessly. Some have compared her television career to the sinking of the Titanic, each having very little survivors.


  • Cilla Black was the prime suspect in the assassination of JFK for 12 minutes.
  • Sometimes fills in as Spiderman when Peter's doing MJ.
  • Her alter-ego is gangster rapper 50 Cent.
  • Once demolished a building with her head.
  • Likes scrambled egg.
  • Was once rumoured to be having sexual liasons with a Scandinavian Seahorse called Derek.
  • Masturbates four times a day over kidney dialysis machines.
  • Real name is Arnold.
  • Was found by John Lennon of The Beatles, who told her to quit singing and possibly take up prostitution. She later became an ice-cream seller.
  • When she talks, her voice is actually sending out morse code to the Russians of her findings. This led to the accidental atomic bombing of Toxteth, which somehow managed to make it look better.
  • Can play the banjo with her teeth.
  • Is a member of a top-secret Wycombe District Council Death Squad.
  • Married Music hall star George Formby Senior, and is the mother of his son, George Junior
  • Was voted Tit Toucher Of The Year in 1642.
  • Has a twin sister named Callum Black.
  • Is due to explode in 2017.
  • Cilla Black lures toy boys up her stair lift then pushes them down the stairs for sport, her record is 8.2 meters
  • When Cilla first appeared on colour TV and her true ginger colour finally revealed to the public over 1 million spontanious combustions were recorded