Gypsies...those crazy motherfuckers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Revision as of 06:23, 21 January 2013 by 130.204.221.207 (talk)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Awwwww, how cute...... WRONG! This is a Gypsy girl who just underwent The First Ritual. She WILL kill you and steal your organs.

Body Structure, The First Ritual, and Clothing

Gypsy man sculpting a cow's eye into a necklace pendant, they call it "dissection". As you can see, wearing gloves for any reason is regarded as a sin in the Gypsy faith.

Gypsies are born as normal human beings and as such have a normal human body structure to begin with. However, at the age of 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days, Gypsy children undergo a ritual in which they have to capture a cat (usually a human's pet) and kill the poor thing. After this, Gypsy shamans and the village elders (who are women thus contributing to the great lunecy of their sub-human race) remove all the bones from both the child and the cat. During this time the child is placed in a cauldron of the cat's blood mixed with human urine and vinegar so it can stay alive. Then the cat's bones are placed in the child and the child is brought back to consciousness. So from this day on, the child is considered an adult and Gypsies actually refer to themsleves as "the cat-boned ones." Other notable physical features include the fact that they do not exhibit the outward physical characteristics of any race. They also like to dress in elaborate and extremely riduculous costumes which no life form that comprehends the concepts of dignity or shame would ever wear. Many Gypsies wear necklaces made from the livers and pancreases of goats and sheep. Gypsy priests, shamans, witch-doctors are often seen wearing necklaces of goat's intestines and chicken bones that have been ties together with goat's hair. Also, they wear jewelry made from human finger bones, chicken bones, cow's eyes, human eyes, and human fingernails and toenails. (HOW ON EARTH DO YOU GET THIS RUBBISH FROM THEN ? DEAR LORD HELP US WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE CRAZY AS THIS GUY WHOS TYPED THIS RUBBISH .)(no, this stuff is the truth...they stole my cat :O)

Food

Soy milk: nectar to the Gypsies, poison to mankind.

Gypsies are known to eat a variety of food although none of these could be classified as appetizing or even tolerable to sane humans. However, in keeping with Gypsy tradition, they also stole numerous recipes from decent people such as the Greeks, Russians, Bosnians, Serbians, Turks, and many other races. It is well known that Gypsies drink the blood of animals and hold animal sacrifices. However, unlike legitimate faiths like Hinduism which sacrifice only male animals, the Gypsies sacrifice only female animals thus adding to their image as anti-establishment shit-eaters. The animals most commonly sacrificed by Gypsies are goats, sheep, cows, pigs, cats, human women, dogs, and doves. They are also known to have sex with all of these animals (both dead and alive) and there are documented instances of Gypsy men fucking doves which then burst because they were to small to take it. Whenever a Gypsy man does this, it is thought that he will go to heaven when he Example.jpgdies because of his great sexual brutality with the avian kind. Gypsies also drink the blood of all the sacrificial animals and also drink the period blood of human women. It is the period blood-drinking that gives Gypsies more prowess in their thievery and manipulation because theivery and manipulation run in the blood (esp. period blood) of women. Gypsies never eat grain, fruits, or vegetables. They are also extremely aversed to dairy products of any kind particularly milk mixed with sugar. Expert geneologists from the University of Wisconsin have detemined that all people who are lactose intolerant are descended from Gypsies.

File:H


Powers

An Indian man purifies himself after a Gypsy crossed his path. Pouring milk over youself is the most effective way to purify yourself of an evil Gyspy spirit. However if the afflicted is a female, the milk purification must be administered by an actual person (man).

The Gypsies are very skilled in many devious and manipulative subject, referred to as the "Gypsy arts." Such things would include shapeshifting, fortune-telling, and astrology. The Gypsies learned their shapeshifting from the false Hindu god Vishnu who is famous for shifting shapes into a beautiful woman, a fish, a turtle, a boar, a half-man/half-lion, a dwarf, a crazed bigot, and a couple blue-skinned freaks among other things. Also, the Gypsies share many things with Vampires, in that they both drink blood, they are both shape-shifters, and they both originated from Romania and Gypsies and Vampires have united against the forces of good after the Vampires gave the Gypsies some of their powers sometime in the early 600s. Of course the greatest power at the Gypsies' disposal is that of fortune-telling. Their knowledge of the future rivals that of God and is therefore true almost all of the time, this has lead to some of them winning extremely large amounts of money on sports-betting so that they can get out of their poor ghettoes and the shacks they have constructed out of refuse and goat droppings in the middle of abandoned fields. Gypsies can tell the future by looking into their crystal ball. Contrary to popular belief, they are not made from crystal nor even fake, but they are the third eye of the Gypsy which is kept hidden inside its skull as that is where it was first formed from the simultaneously decomposing and fermenting mass of rat shit and urine that is continuously added to as the Gypsy's headrats age thus improving the accuracy of the fortunes told. Also, they have the power to curse anyone who crosses thier path which is why purification (preferrably immediate) is required to ensure decent health and relative well-being.

Deterrence Methods

Sour Cream 'n' Onion chips utilize dairy, onion, and salt in the repulsion of Gypsies. "He who eats sour cream 'n' onion chips daily will gain great prowess in Gypsy-catching and fighting both in this life and the afterlife." - His Manliness The Great Mark Lenfestey, may His Supreme Facial Manhood always be revered.

The five most repulsive things to a Gypsy are dairy products (the most powerful of which being milk mixed sugar), fire, onions, salt, and anything associated with His Maliness, The Great Mark Lenfestey and His Supreme Facial Manhood (such things would be goatees with no sideburns, hair on the back of the hand, button-down shortsleeve shirts, khakis, physics textbooks, and physics equations). Gypsies are also repelled by rat poison since it kills the rat which live inside their heads. Also, the tears of newborn babies also serve as a Gyspy repellent and they are sold in spray-bottles in Menard's Stores all over Wyoming (because of the mass migration of Gypsies into the plains of northwestern Wyoming in the summer of 1990).

Reproduction

Although Gypsies are born as human beings, their method of reproduction is vastly different than that of human beings. According to their pagan beliefs, Gypsies can only conceive children on Wednesday nights starting between 11:19 and 11:27 which is immegiately after Gypsy men shave (or in other words when the moon is in the 2nd day of his stay in the House Of Mausrachianriasiriya(believed to be the 18th of the moon's 27 wives)). At this time the woman, through her incredible Gypsy powers, wills herself into menstruating. Her menstrual blood is then caught by her husband in a pig's liver (yes, it IS enough to fill it up). After this, 3 chicken eggs, 6.9 ounces of the husband's semen, 2 cloves of garlic, 3 sticks of cinnamon, and a dove's head are mixed in a large pot made out of Gypsy feces. Once the mixture has reached a pasty consistency, the menstrual blood is poured out of the pig's liver and into the pot. The Gypsy couple then lets the bloody, pasty mixture ferment (or gestate, if you will) for 3 days and 3 nights. Then on Saturday night between 10:32 and 10:48, the mixture is poured into a cow's liver. Then after the Gypsy man pours half a gallon of olive oil down his wife's vagina, it is slippery enough for the cow's liver to slide down into it. At this time, the cow's liver is placed at the lips of the Gypsy woman's vagina and, through its mystical powers, it "swallows" the cow's liver whole. This, known as the "Great Swallowing," is so extremely arousing and pleasurable to the husband that he ejaculates 3 days worth of semen right into his wife's vagina. The chemical reactions between Gyspy semen and olive oil form a thick, dough-like substance which blocks off his wife's vagina until she is ready to give birth so that no other man can put his cow's liver where it does not belong.

See also


Hungypsy King shows all other gypsies from neighbouring countries how it's done.