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The Haka[edit]

The Haka is an ancient ritual usually employed by the Maoris during anal sex. It is also used for dealing with violent constipation.

Ancient Maori culture prohibits their warriors from doing a poo because keeping it in increases their size by up to 200%. Unfortunately, holding it in this way makes them very vulnerable to exploding at random, especially on hot days. Even a simple pat on the back can cause a Maori to explode. Many Maori body-parts have been found in public toilets and restroom due to the random explosion.

A Maori dance can often be enhanced by lodging hard objects up a person's bottom. Commonly used items include syringes, barbed wire, CD covers, kittens, and funnily enough, soap.

Docters are often reluctant to give Maoris a prostate exam, as they have a tendency to begin the Haka immediately after penetration. Although many valuable items have been recovered from a Maori's bottom.


There has been a lot of debate over whether the Haka should be allowed in rugby. The New Zealand team insists that it is necessary, and failure for their team to do so would result in disaster, although a disaster that would be very amusing to watch. But people have argued, that holding in poo, isn't the only way to increase size and have suggested that they use weights.

They tried this idea but their membership with the gym was promptly cancelled and they were forced to pay for new equipment because they "Didn't use our weights in the correct manner".

The chairman of the rugby team was asked about this incident but he promptly exploded. Many people cried fowl over this, beliving that it was just a way to avoid answering the question. This has been strongly denide by other team officials "uxploding us not the way to deal with these things".

Items that have been found in a Maori's bottom[edit]

  • puppies
  • fingers
  • pot plants
  • hamsters
  • ponies
  • The declaration of independence
  • Jessica Mauboy's music (You didn't think she wrote them herself did you?)
  • wallets
  • The Warriors Talent