Difference between revisions of "Invasive Species"
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Latest revision as of 05:59, 10 September 2012
“In Soviet Russia species invade you!... just like everywhere else in the world.”
Invasive species are animals that come into your country and pwn all of your animals. Some people don't like this because they are "attached" to the animals their country currently has, but in the end most people learn to live with the new swarm of rabbits, mice, grues, or any other creature that can beat the shit out of their current animals.
Although the process of having your country conquered by foreign animals may seem disheartening, there is a solution. Simply pick a country no one cares about, and drop a dozen of every animal in there. This may be nasty for the locals, especially when the animals that do not possess sufficient dexterity to open a parachute plummet through their homes, but that’s why we didn’t drop them in YOUR country (I think). Then all of the animals would have a giant Darwinian battle, and at the end of that mess, all of Eurasia would be infested with every sort of animal, and thus could not be invaded by any new ones.
Another ingenious plan to protect your country from invasion is to make it completely uninhabitable. Try some of these simple but effective methods:
- Burn everything. This is especially effective when fighting off animals that need to eat to survive.
- Use legal(ish) pesticides, the kind that kills all children who come within 100 meters of your lawn. Your neighbors may complain, but they will be dragged away and eaten by hordes of vermin soon enough, so you don't have to worry about retribution.
- Practice massive deforestation, but don't limit yourself to trees. Virtually any plant can be ripped out of the ground and turned into something that can be imagined to be marginally useful.
If You Live in Eurasia
If you happen to be in Eurasia when the world decides to infest your area with swarms of useless but unstoppable creatures, you have two options. Either leave your current vermin hole of a residence, or invest in a high caliber shotgun, preferably one with an underslung grenade-launcher so you can kill more with less!
If your a coward then you can attempt to befriend these creatures, fail miserably, then go home and lie curled up crying in the shower because you just got rejected by an animal that can't control it's own bowel movements.
Being An Invasive Species Yourself
When the inevitable happens, and millions are wiped out by infinitely reproducing, parasitic animals, one may simply have to go with the option "If you can't beat them, join them." Hell, they're going to destroy everything, so you might as well get a continent or two from being on good terms with them. Here are a few simple methods of becoming part of the problem instead of the solution, assuming your people are not classified as an invasive species already (see Americans).
- Reproduce. Don't limit yourself to your own species.
- Eat everything you can see... Or can't see!
- Reproduce. Repeatedly. Asexually if applicable.
- Produce a vendetta against every living thing.
- Invade countries under the assumption that they have weapons. (We mean big ones, not those pitiful excuses for weapons that everyone has.)
- Use aforementioned weapons on all the defenseless countries.
- Reproduce. The more DNA you and your descendants share with rabbits, rats, cockroaches, grues, and similar organisms, the better.
Methods of Invasion
Once you have acquired all the traits of an invasive species, you need to reach another country. The most conventional methods are:
- Amphibious landing: Especially effective for amphibians, but not out of the question for other creatures who don't mind gaining a reputation as liars
- Air drop: Only effective for animals with especially thick skulls, allowing them to survive the landing. Must also have the ability to cling to the bottom of an airplane, and look like a sheet of aluminum in case someone is watching.
- Walking: The most practical method of attacking another country. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound nearly as epic as the previous means of invasion.
- Running: A slightly faster method of attack then walking. Do not use when attacking through thick jungles or over cliff-saturated mountains.
- Teleportation: The least practical method of attacking another country, simply because of the impossiblity of it. BUT I CAN DREAM CAN'T I ??!!!