Jesusland

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Revision as of 19:44, 28 March 2009 by 89.243.22.56 (talk)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

You may be looking for Heavenland but be too dumb to realize.



“Bloomin' tourists!”

~ Angry Jesusland resident on Jesusland

Zach would fuck this article!

Republic of Jesusland
Flag of Jesusland.svg Jesuslandcoa.gif
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Motto: "In God We Trust"
Jesusland.GIF
Official language American
Capital Texas
Dictator
Jesus; George W. Bush, (de facto)
Religion Religious Right
Independence None, civil liberties are banned to all Freedom Lovers
Currency Oil
National Anthem "The Christ-Spangled Jesus"
National Holiday Jesus' birthday (note: birthdays are now called freedomdays in Jesusland)
National Slogan

“It's a republic. I swear!”

~ Bush
Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Jesusland.
An image of Jesusland and the United States of Canada following the annexing of Alberta. The white splotch is a penal prison colony for gays.

Jesusland is a God fearing utopia, situated primarily in North America. It comprises about 30 states formerly part of the "United States" (now an archaic term for the region). The states were liberated of the nation of godless sodomites after the 2008 Presidential Election. It has several territories with unique diverse brands of Fundamentalist Young Earth Creationist Extremist Conservative Flat Earth Christianity. It is also referred to, with varying formality, as Christian Country, the God's Country, the Pure Country, the Cleansed Country, and the Land of the Free (Christians). It is also known by the heathen Mexicans as "The Land of no Return" because once one sets foot, by the will of the lord they are killed on the spot.

Jesusland is often described, critically and affectionately, as being organized like a diverse workplace in the heart of the extremely advanced Southern Jesusland. A culture placing strong value in salvation and goodness, Jesusland is believed to be the real place that Jesus visited 2000 years ago, and the original location of the Garden of Eden.

History

Chuck Norris had better not see this because according to this map, Texas is part of "Dumbfuckistan" and Chuck Norris is clearly a dumb fuck (who lost his virginity before his father!).
File:OJesus.jpg
Chuck Norris Jesus has been with us all alone

Although unknown to many inhabitants of Jesusland due to their common trait of devotion to the lord, the United States of Canada, a confederation of freedom hating states, came into existence in the early 21st century when, for the second time, George W. Bush and his administration successfully won, by God's will, the presidential election. Hence, most attribute the existence of Jesusland to the Democrats who were pissed in 2004 because their candidate lost to George Bush. George Bush was upset at this turn of events, and subsequently condemned to Satan's anus because he attempted to invade Jesusland on the pretext of discovering hidden caches of WMDs, known as Holy Hand Grenades. George Dubuya actually is the J man how else would he know to send his army of nookyular powered monkey robots to Pakistanavania to destroy Cyberdracula.

Geography

Geography is taught in Jesusland schools using the kosher book "Fundamentalist Christian Geography for Dummies, God's Will for the rest of US". Typically accepted scientific theories regarding the shifting of continents are not accepted in Jesusland because the Bible clearly denounces them as heathen doctrine that spread hate and murder amongst the youth. Instead it is largely accepted in Jesusland that the continents are a big puzzle that God is working on, they came solved (Pangea}, and he constantly is moving them around trying to find their original places. Clearly he's saving Japan for last.

Jesusland citizens believe that all natural phenomenon are the will of God. Thunder, rain, lightning, taxes are all attributed to God (or Satan, depending on nothing at all). Ever since this radical shift in education the grades of scholars have been soaring. Evidence, some say, of this magnificent new reform.

For example, a question regarding the origin of acid rain can be answered (rather than with a long-winded heathen explanation of pollution and the water cycle) with "God!" or "Satan!". There is very little difference between the two answers, but many Jesusland citizens lean towards one or the other. Even the long explenation could not give you enough information as most people forget the acid rain is acually God's urine and huge hailstones are God's crap.

The state of Jesusland is planning on expanding into the "mud race" countries surrounding them. The liberation of United States of Canada is set for the date of 2013. They hope to rid Canada of it's diseases and plagues such as beaver overpopulation, beer shortages, multiculturalism, SARS, terrorists, French, and diversity. The reason for the far projected date is the investigation into how the French people swam all the way to Canada en mass.

Contrary to this view is that of the original Canadian philosopher MoJo of TO. This resplendent individual passionately maintains that there is no such thing as too much beaver. And if there was that would be okay. Also he avers that there has never been a shortage of Canadian beer. At least not since he quit drinking the stuff.

National Passtimes

Jesusland has many passtimes, including, but not limited to...

  • Coke drinkin'
  • Coke snortin'
  • Weed smokin'
  • NASCAR racin'
  • Cock fightin' (both kinds)
  • Pit bull fightin'
  • Bug zappin'
  • Pitch forkin'
  • Billy Ray Cyrus singin'
  • Old Glory wavin'
  • Mav'rick bein'
  • Shootin' things
  • Sheep lovin' (Not to be Confused with Welsh peoples)
  • Killin' Muslims
  • Queer chasin'(And lots of queer beatin' too!)
  • Hatin' ferners -- fancypants college boys call it "zee-no-foebya."
  • Lynchin' uppity negroids.
  • Human rights abusin'
  • Incest doin'
  • Jesus lovin'
  • Keepin' nutty ole Cousin Zeke locked in the basement, only cuz there ain't no room for him and Gramma Tizzie in the attic.
  • Endangered species exterminatin'
  • Stoppin' durn minorities from votin'
  • Fightin' to win when doin' Civil War War of Northern Aggression reenactments.
  • Jew Pokin'
  • Jew Beatin'
  • Gawld Dancin'
  • Dead Leggin' Rhinos
  • Tree Huggin'
  • Removin' "G"s from verbs and replacin' 'em with apostrophes

and many, many more!

Orangeland

Desciclopedia é melhor que essa droga americana!.

Jesus Related Locations.
Jesusland Red States
Jesus Ocean Israel
Quebecsnow.jpg
Countries and territories of North America
Main: United States of America | Canada/Canadia | Mexico | Jesusland | Confederate States of America | Québec
Northernmost: Mediocre Britain | Canada States | Duchy of Björk | People's Republic of Canada | Awesome land/Not So Awesome Land
Atlantic: United Spades of Amerika | Wikiland
Caribbean: Barbados | Communist | Dominican Republic | Earthquake | Jamaica | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
Dependencies
Atlantic: United Kingdom of Britannia and Northern Pangaea
Northernmost: Greenland | Gayman Islands | Acadia | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Cancanada
Gulf of Mexico: Pen Island | Tropico | Orgasm
Caribbean: Martinique | Bermuda Triangle | British Virgin Islands | Cayman Islands | Monkey Island | Puerto Rico | U.S. Virgin Islands