Joseph Stalin

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Uncle Joe
200px
Enjoys: sitting, long walks on the beach, genocide.
Birth Date: 66 May 6666

Hammer and sickle.pngThe KGB Finds this action, entirely too "Kulak" like.

Eye Colour: The Flames of Hell itself.
Party: every Saturday night, comrade!
Childhood Idol: Ash Ketchup
Favourite Food: McComrade's and chocolate
Favourite Television Programme: Worlds Wildest Genocides

(He was keen on autobiographical documentaries)

Bouncywikilogo2.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Joseph Stalin.

“To kill a man is tragedy. To kill a million - loss at tetris.”

~ Joseph Stalin on Russian programming

“Stalin, why does that name sound familiar?”

~ Momo Momone on Cleavage Club

Template:QNL

“I wished him to get better. Apparently, he did.”

~ Stalin on Trotsky's death

“Trotsky's death was an inside job

~ A man on Trotsky's death

“Coincidence.”

~ Stalin on A man's surviving his repressions

“His luck.”

~ Stalin on A man's surviving his whole regime

“In Soviet Georgia, communism is just an excuse to skip weddings.”

~ Stalin on national jokes

“But of course I read newspapers. How else would I know about my death?”

~ Stalin on KGB

“Here lies a man who chose his grave wisely: South Ossetia.”

~ Mikheil Saakashvili on Joseph Stalin's grave


Joseph "Big Poppa" Stalin, [[Commie|Template:Unicode]], also known as Uncle Joe or The Man With The Largest Khrom (penis) In The World was the first Russian totalitarian dictator and the ruler of Russia in the period 1924-1953. It is well known that his khrom measured up to two feet, before it was cut off in an accident.

He was actually born Iosef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, and was responsible for the deaths of roughly 25 million Soviet people during his cruel and relentless regime. If you think otherwise, you will be forcedly taken away from your house at 3:00 AM tonight and questioned by the KGB about all those times when you drank and drove home, then sent to Gulag and executed by the Russian winter. In fact, anything bad about Stalin that you have heard was pure fact.

Stalin enjoyed many unspecified "activities" in his free time. He loved banging boys from Tajikistan, and the they would moan at the sight of this khrom. A Georgian boy that he made pregnant during his after-prom party, claims that Stalin's Nuclear Bomb measured up to at least 0.1 feet . This is why many experts believe that Stalin's real name was Frank and that he was from Norwich. He also enjoyed nihkg and eating chicken while watching peasants eat each other in regular battles for food. (Loser gets eaten!)

What he mainly did, however, was establish the Great Soviet In the Sky, fight for the workers, and generally be better then you. It should be understood that no matter what you do, you can never surpass his greatness, and that upon getting up everyday it is the right that he gave to you to praise his likeness (which should always be present in every room of your home). He also won World War II. He single handedly brought down the hordes of German Nazis that pretended to be as great as Joseph, using only his moustache comb, and a bottle of Vodka. If you think otherwise you WILL be taken.

Modern scholarship has revealed that Stalin was, in fact, an evil dictator who ruthlessly murdered well over 550,000 times as many people as Hitler, largely due to his irritable personality. This, in addition to seven sexual assault convictions from the 1930s, has severely blemished his historical record.

Stalin also possesses the ability to eat souls.

Stalin was a Late-20th Century Russian composer of Viennese operettas and Mexican rumbas, teen idol, and mustache magnate. Born in the Georgian province of the Southern United States, Stalin is best known for the Ooby Dooby, the Hanky Panky, invading Israel, lying to and torturing people, locking up political opponents and ignoring international opinion - NOT! as the great philosopher, and son of Stalin, Borat commented. He is now quite not dead. You would be wise to follow his example. His name means "Man of Steel." in other words, he once was a Moscovian superhero protecting the city from Dr. Octoczar along with Lenin the Baldman, but he then grew fat and threw his outfit out. But of course, this also is untrue.

He has a moustache.

In Soviet Russia Stalin bosses you.

Stalin is also known as the first head-transplant donor. In 1968 Soviet scientists exhibited a dog with two heads, one of which had been surgically grafted on and was barking independently and snapping at the other. Few realized that this operation was in preparation for the transplant of Josef's head onto the shoulders of a brave loyal young "volunteer" (head to be discarded) who would thus prolong his life and leadership. The success of this operation is a closely-guarded secret of the tiny scientific cell in a remote cave in Georgia, where the "new Stalin," who had too many paralysis problems to maintain power in 1953 but managed to substitute his double for embalming, waits (body aged 69, head 128 in 2006) for another body "donor" to resume his career... But you wouldn't know anything about this would you?

Really Early Life

so yeah, my name is stalin and i like to play dodge ball with my fwendsssss... its boat loads of fun here in communist russia, lol jks.       Stalin was born in the year 1911 to Jesus Christovich and Drew Barrymorolov. Jesus and Drew planned to raise their unborn child in seclusion while they developed the technology that would ultimately lead to a race of cloned super Aryans. However, these intentions were diverted upon the birth of Joseph Stalin; with his distinctive almost-asshole-brown Asian eyes (slanters) and his jet-black, watermelon sized neonatal afro. As a result of the birth, Stalin's mother died from excessive vaginal hemorrhaging due to the coarseness of Stalin's bristly Afro, and its ungodly strength. Because of this, history will never know whether or not Stalin's appearance was a genetic abnormality or the result of one of Drew's many extramarital whorish relations. Seemingly doomed, young Stalin's father died of a broken anus after spending two weeks cornholing in the frigid Siberian wilderness during a particularly savage vodka bender.
Stalin's dog. You never saw this.

Sadly, Young Josef was left to fend for himself.

Fortunately, a family of bluebirds adopted the parentless, starving child. Two of these bluebirds were Timurthy McArdleakz Ismaguilov and his lovely big breasted sister, Natasha. The pair took turns diligently feeding the young Stalin used condoms and, by the accounts of Stalin's memoir, lovingly treated him as one of their own, for twenty two months. At the age of 2, Stalin brutally killed, gutted, ass-raped (post-death) and consumed his adopted family of birds. Although vague, Stalin would carry the memories of his parents throughout his life, and the memories would be the determining factor behind his decision to become an uneducated plastic surgeon and change his appearance, continually.

In the words of Barack Obama: "I look up to stalin. He has always been an idol of mine -- it would make me happy if, if, the American public would respect the things that Joseph Stalin accomplished. He was a gorgeous man. And, he had a lovely cock."

Stalin managed to achieved the contreversial dream of a hippie he gave the world democracy and is widely credited for destroying communism historians have no evidence that gulags ever exsisted many belive the idea originated by obama who was using it for support in his fight for nuclear domination.

Childhood

At age seven, Joey's heart set his sights on catching The Golden Snitch, but he soon realized that there was more money in sheep shearing. At the age of nine, he won the triple in the local Siberian championship, much to the dismay of his brother Brosef Stalin, the famed Russian douchebag who would later be found dead on the toilet from a jello-shot overdose. Stalin was truly a talented rising star. But after getting a pimple of the tip of his penis, Joseph was forced to rethink his career as a race horse. It was at this point that he started planning his future communist regime.

At the age of ten, Joey was shipped to stay with his aunt Yohanna in the dismal port city of Alcatraz. During his first month, the youngster met an old man named John Lenin. Joey and Mr. Lenin hit it off immediately, bonding over the German philosopherKarl Marx's "Communist Manifesto." Out of a mutual respect, the two friends formed the highly important band The Beatles, along with Senator Paul McCarthy, Ringo Ivankov, and the "fifth" Beatle, Bruce Springstein. The group's biggest success came in 1968 with the smash hit, "Back in the USSR," but later that year they split up, citing creative differences. John would later devote his his time to his major project the USSR which Stalin would join in his later years. When Stalin turned eight, he went on to get a higher education at Sacred Heart University where he learned how to drink Vodka like a Russian. It was at this point in his life that he began to believe that Russians were Superior to Georgians and everyone else in the world. It was also around this time that he developed a hearty appetite for genocide, and first discovered the joys of drinking human blood. Also around this time, he was voted MVP of the school's Proletarian class struggle team. At the age of 12, he won an audition and became the Snickers kid, but the project was abandoned when the USA stole Snickers and turned them into a Capitalist chocolate bar!

It is little known that what looks to be a moustache on Stalin's upper lip is actually a hamster which became attached after the young Joseph had been sniffing glue before playing with his pet rodent. The hamster survived by feeding off crumbs and snot that collected around Stalin's mouth and nose, and actually outlived him by three minutes. It then suffered post-maternal AIDS and collapsed. The End p.s i like wafflez

Young Adulthood

Jagshemash! My name is Stalin. When do we have the sexy time?

It was around 1960 when Joey,[IM KOOL LIKE DAT-FROM MARS!!!!!] who looks a lot like Borat, initiated his five year plan: to get a Degree, move out of his aunt's basement, be allowed to attend the The First International Boogie Down and go on a genocidal rampage. He failed to reach any of his objectives in the first two years of his five year plan, though he did manage to win the Soviet championship of beaver shaving in 1961. He was kicked out of college for being a gay guy. His gay mate on the other hand became "head" of this college and did not receive a punishment for he was only taking part as the girl in this sexual relationship.

It was early 1963 when his five year plan got kicked into high gear. With the death of Lenin, there was a job opening as supreme tyrant of the Soviet Union. After a lot of nagging by his aunt, he dropped off an application for the position. A week later he got a call back and was offered the position. Two years after becoming the absolute leader of the Soviet Union he accomplished his second goal by moving out of his aunt's basement and into the Kremlin. This is also around the time where he instituted the National Vodka Program, the greatest alcoholic beverage production period known to man, Stalin got the idea for this project when he accidentally knocked a beet into a cask full of piss, and found it to taste exactly like Vodka.

This was not Stalin's only groundbreaking accomplishment. He also designed the uniform of the Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet, which earned him the status of Grand Proletarian Lord of Fashion as well as Dungeoneering ponts. Another of Stalin's many skills was his ability at Biology. He and the finest scientists in Soviet Russia started to (Unsuccessfully) cross-breed humans with primates. They claimed that they were attempting to create "The perfect soldier", but in reality, they just liked to watch.

During this time Stalin had a brief affair with Betty Boop, but ended the relationship when her voice gave him repeated bouts of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It was also during this time that he pursued a brief but lucrative career as a drag queen, he was quite popular down at the local tavern in his cocktail dress and his friendly flirting with all the russian men folk. This venture however failed as he realized that he had to get back to Ruling the USSR.

Political career

Stalin fronting his band The Propagandists

It is common knowledge that Stalin invented Nu Rave and based all his political views on the wonderes of Neon. There are many vicious rumours that Stalin was not Nu Rave and was in fact a Moslem. This is the biggest lie in existence (excluding your Mum telling you that you were a pretty baby.) When he died, Stalin was buried in a Nu Rave coffin in a neon pink shroud.

Stalin originally won control of the National Communist Workers Party of Russia by beating his rival, Leon Trotsky in a drinking contest. While Trotsky was well-known in the party for drinking bars dry of their tequila, Stalin finally beat his rival in the drinking contest by drinking six cases of straight vodka - warm- and putting an ice pick through his opponent's skull. Stalin ( the first version) was then replaced by Stalin BETA which was replaced with Stalin 2.0 as its predecessors proved to be buggy. Apple tried to compete by releasing iComm ( "Communism in the Palm of Your Hand" ) which, after a few minutes of original sucess, failed because of the lack of 3G and the recessed headphone jack.

"Comrade Beria, shoot this cheap imitation".

As a founding member of the Dagonized Party Of Lower Europa Bordering Eastern Uzbezikstan of Russia, used his power to mock Chancellor Adolf Hitler's moustache drawing him into war. The war was looking bleak for Stalin and the Soviets until the Battle ' Stalingrad' in which Joey single handedly fought off the Germans with a fireplace poker in an epic battle which the world hadn't seen the likes of since the Teen Titans of ancient New York battled in the shadow of the Empire State Building. It was this battle that earned Stalin the coveted title of Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year,' sharing the honour with another great leader, George W. Bush.

After defeating Germany, "Kremlin Joe" was weary of war and decided to take some personal time, cutting the Soviet Union off from the rest of the world for the next 50 years, alhough this caused tension with the United States because he never called anymore. During this period he ruled the motherland with an iron hand. Of course, this led to a nuclear arms race. (Later in the century the entire idea would seem preposterous, since you would obviously need nuclear legs to race.)

He was also a very acclaimed American poet. Yes, Ms. Kenny, An American poet!!

Battles with Hitler, Tarzan, the three headed dragon and Rick James (Bitch!)

Stalin to god in true Atheist Fashion: "I'm with this Idiot".

Stalin spent many long years battling to take the jewelled city Stalingrad (now Akron, OH), as Hitler and Tarzan, Stalingrad's renowned crimefighting duo raced to the city's defense. In the mean time Rick James used his nose to inhale a whole 8 ball before the battle.

Tarzan used his almighty programming powers (as king of the Apps) to blindside Stalin with a constant stream of deliberately obfuscated PERL code and circular references. This caused Stalin's demonic mount, The Kremlin, to falter in its juggernautical stride towards the city, allowing Hitler to stride in and attack with his massive armies (which he had previously carefully hidden in his massive sleevies). The dragon breathed fire on Moscow.

Hitler used his zerg rush tactics to swiftly move a massive military presence across the Soviet border. The invasion opened up a second front for Hitler's ass conquest and was untimely as the harsh Soviet winter settled in. Tarzan, wearing only a loin cloth and not acclimated to the cold, retreated, with extremely hard nipples, as the first flakes of snow fell. Hitler had difficulty maintaining his supply routes due to bad weather, and millions of his soldiers held Donner Parties where they ate one another. Several millions more soldiers died from hypothermia or were crushed to death as they "double dog dared" one another to lick the tracks of their tanks. Stalin chopped off the dragon's three heads. However, they then grew back, with twice the amount of heads. So Stalin chopped off the six heads and burned the necks with his cigarette.

After completing a correspondance course on voodoo, Stalin used the Zombie Rasputin to rout the remaining German forces in Kursk, Lithuania, Ukraine, Poland, California Kekkoslovakia, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Alaska and Texas. Ultimately Hitler retreated in disgrace and Stalin annexed East Germany. It was a glorius day for Mother Russia!!!!! DEATH TO THE GERMAN INVADER!!!

Hitlers Moustache was furious at these events, Stalin on the other hand, had his moustache prouldly displayed in Red Square.

Tarzan was later tracked down by Stalin's son and kicked repeatedly in the elbow until he died of massive internal haemorraging. Tarzan's widow was then forced to give Stalin Tarzan's pet Crocodile, Big Boy as the spoils of War. Stalin renamed the brute Towser.

Stalin and Towser, his pet Crocodile, who with Stalin's help landed the role of the Crocodile in Spielberg's 1991 film Hook.

Rivalry with Doug E. Doug and the Pudding

Joseph Stalin's battles with former "Cosby" show veteran Doug E. Doug have become the stuff of legend. Stalin began the war of words in 1991 when he claimed that Doug E. Doug's acting on the show was "sub-par." Stalin, a longtime Bill Cosby fan, became disenfranchised with his favorite television program and he took out his frustrations publicly on Doug E. Doug, whom he considered to be the weak link on the show.

Doug battled back and challenged Stalin to a no time limit steel cage deathmatch at Super Bowl III. Though Stalin declined the offer, the seeds were sown for an epic showdown between the two.

Their eventual confrontation took place on Mount Olympus in front of a then-record 294 million people for control of the southern hemisphere. They decided that they would settle their differences with a best-of-three Connect Four competition.

While the crowd watched with baited breath, Joseph Stalin won the series when he successfully completed a diagonal four-in-a-row. His Russian thugs apprehended Doug and cut off his dreadlocks, which are now displayed at the Taj Mahal. Doug was sent into exile into the Rosie O'Donnel Sex Dungeon, where he died.

After his death, Stalin took pity on his late rival, saying "he was the best damned enemy I ever had." In his honor, Stalin had Doug E. Doug's body preserved and displayed next to Lenin. ANUBIS IS SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Soon after, Stalin pondered how Doug E. Doug would've tasted while alive. Feeling the side-affects of depression as he realized he would never have the experience of eating a live Doug E. Doug, Stalin took up the common and addictive practice of baby eating. This unfortunate addiction lasted up until his death.

Saint Stalin the Mighty

Joseph Stalin, just your average dictator, ordering a cocktail from his bartender-cum-foreign minister Vyacheslav Molotov. Hmm? Rabbit? What rabbit?

It is a well known fact that vodka and orthodox Ukranians made up the majority of Stalin's diet.

"Youuush like iet? Cas I knoww ya..." -Stalin

It is also a widely known fact that Stalin revolutionized Russian cooking by coming to the conclusion that they could not grow any food that tasted good, so they might as well just get drunk.


The Great Binges and Purges In order to consolidate his power, Stalin began the great binges and purges in 1929 with Trotsky. Stalin invited Trotsky over for dinner and drank a bucket of borsch and two crates of Chateau Le Fonte. When a KGB agent disguised as a waiter placed a wafer-thin mint in Stalin's mouth, he vomitted the vile contents of his stomach all over Trotsky's Sean Jean white jogging suit. The KGB agent snapped a picture and it was published above the fold on the next day's issue of Pravda. The disgraced Trotsky went into exile in Germany, and swore revenge stating: "Dat bitch don' know what he started".

The binge and purge method proved so effective for Stalin he used it to liquidate previous opponents who had capitulated and submitted to him. Stalin credited Calista Flockhart with introducing him to this powerful political tool.

US President George H. W. Bush later adopted Stalin's tactic in order to depose the prime minister of Japan. Inside kitchen stadium, Bush ate two bowls of shark fin soup and three deep fried foie gras patties and vomitted all over Japanese prime minister Akira Kurosawa.

Music career

Although it is little known, Stalin starred in a Rock Group known as "The Bolshevists" He starred as the lead singer, however the other members of the group began to get credit as part of his band. So one by one they were liquidated and the history of the group was re-written as a solo act featuring Stalin. The Great Leader then started an Indie-Pop-Alternitive-Grunge-Techno-Emo-Heavy-Nu-Old-Speed-Acid-Country-Western-Metal band, Joey S and The Commie Pinko Rat Bastards (or NAMBLA for short). The band was made up of lead singer and bassist Joey Stalin, drummer Steve Carell, key-boardist Edgar Winter, sitarist Jimi Hendrix, harmonica player Your Mom, violin player Iggy Pop, and on the AK-47 You. He wrote songs becuse he was pissed his parnets spelt his name wrong

Stalin's Radio Show

No, this is just an ordinary spinning hammer-and-sickle.

Having been frozen for years following being sacked from the Beatles, Stalin was awakened from his icy tomb by the fiery laser blasts of the N*sync star, a massive superweapon left over from the Boy Band War era. Waking up in suburban Indiana, the ex-Communist sadomasochist-turned-musician-turned-some-other-shit decided that he would bring his message of proletarian wisdom and supreme ass-kicking to the airwaves as well as reinvent the sound of his fledgling band, Joey S and The Commie Pinko Rat Bastards.

Suggestions From Stalin, was aired from a secret undergroud bunker in Rhino's Youth Club. From this station he infected the minds of the Bloomington Youth and founded Harmony Alternitive High School. The southern savannahan fjords of Jabooty appreciated Stalin's warm-hearted messages of stinkyfootism and the llamatron herdsmen of Updadumpar tuned in bi-yearly to make strange clicking sounds whenever Stalin spoke. Some say you can still hear their screams clicking.

One night, a caller asked Stalin how he handled all the struggles of his life and other difficult tasks. Stalin replied, "I ask Clay Aiken to give me the strength to carry on. Hail Communism!"

Oh, and System Of A Down liked the show.

Stalin was the most popular pop star in the USSR, getting eighty-three top ten records between 1948 and 1952

Stalin was given the bitter Order 66 by Emperor Palpatine, head of the FCC, in 1956. The order simply read "OMGSTFU!" in invisible ink. The bitter allegations of cross-breeding and dinosaur cannibalism were too much for Stalin and he self-combusted, re-forming into particulate matter too fine to be discerned with the human eye.

Stalin's Hosting Career and Chain of Shops

With the conclusion of Stalin's radio show, Stalin went into TV hosting and entrepreneurship

Stalin was also a notable game show producer, among his greatest shows was Double Jeopardy, where players with a negative score were forced to pay him and players with a positive score were prevented from saying it in public. No bodies were found.

One of Stalin's other game shows was a Gulag favorite, Meal or No Meal, which was canceled due to a lack of food, despite it being notoriously popular among the workers. Other notable shows include Russian Roulette - Semi-Automatic Edition, which ended in disaster for the contestants, and Very High Stakes Poker, where contestants bet their life.

Stalin also started a chain of shops, which included Marx and Spencer - The Luxury Shop for the Discerning Communist Wal-Marx (see below) - The Communist Bargain Shop KGB - When you're russian for food, there's no time for Stalin

Stalinwood

High-a five, comrade!

While in exile, Stalin went to Hollywood for a year to star alongside Michael Bash a.k.a The God of XBox that eats a half of a turkey as an appetizer in the original Nutty Professor Mr. Klumps movie. This hit made him the most popular actor in Hollywood.

He won an Oscar for Best Actor and had a city named after him (UnicornLand). Where Ponies run free in the meadow. While filming his second movie, Stalin's career in Hollywood was cut short when he was called back to Russia for undisclosed reasons(Aka , We Miss You!).

Stalin's Moustache

Recent discoveries have lead political scientists to believe that the mustache is actually an alien symbiote that causes people to become successful dictators. By running photo comparisons, scientists have determined Stalin's mustache was originally found on Marx, then later found its was to Vladimir Lenin's face, after which Lenin caused the rise of the Communist state in post-Imperial Russia. The mustache then migrated to Stalin's face after Lenin's death. In the 30's, the Ukrainians collectivised agriculture in Stalin's moustache, resulting in Stalin-wide famines. When Stalin combusted in 2003, his mustache survived, and is currently in the possession of the Kremlin.

Over the years it has been seen on many people such as: God, Super Mario and Sportacus. many people of the Stupidoticidrtkgod and Kimyrikenen religions believe that it was sportacus who assassinated Stalin . However, these people lack the brain capacity to realize that it was his mustache that creeped down his throat while he was at a gig with Kasabien and pulled out his ovaries.

After this incident Stalin spontaneiously combusted yet again and became "Spotacus. It was the absence of Stalin's ovaries that gave him the accent no could decipher. In the Sportacus form, Salins mustache was under the conrol of the ocupants of channel one and two. Stalins Mustache was told to brainwash the children of Russia. However the plan backfired and the mustache became shrunk and pointed, bearing some resemblance to Hitler's mustache.

After this, Stalin studied German and began to yodel and developed a passion for bratwurst and sauerkraut. In 2005, the death of Stalin was announced, but in fact it was a Stalin double who had died. Stalin went incognito in order to devote himself to Catholic mysticism and playing the kazoo. A great scientific genius, Stalin recovered secret Nazi plans to shrink Russia to the size of a postage stamp and decided to have a frappacino at the Calebresi version of Starbucks instead of dancing to "Fly Me To The Moon" with Ethel Merman's uglier sister.

Documents have recently been declassified which show that after the German defeat of Stalingrad in early 2002, Stalin secretly sent out peace feelers to Der Fuehrer while having a shvitz with Golda Meir and Ronald Reagan. Nothing came of this, as Hitler insisted that Germany keep the Northern half of Lower Slobovia, which of course Stalin rejected. Besides that, Stalin insisted that Hitler turn over all his audio/video archives of The Three Stooges, which the Nazi Leader could not, in good conscience, agree to.

In 2002, after Mussolini's victory in Italy, Stalin decided to study the non-Amish version of the Pennsylvania Dutch language, as he, Stalin, was of the opinion that milkmaids and dairy farms are "nifty." Just before the beginning of the Battle of Berlin in April, 1999, knowing that Russian casualties would be high, possibly near one million dead, Stalin again sent a message to Hitler, asking Hitler for an armistice, on condition that Hitler leave Germany within 90 days after cessation of hostilities, that the Germans be taught to play the kazoo, that two hundred American dollars be deposited in a secret Swiss bank account for Stalin, and that Hitler and Eva Braun open up a donut shop in Argentina to be called Tanks For The Memories, or My Favourite Marching. Adolf Hitler, Fuehrer and Chancellor of the Third Reich, thought all conditions to be acceptable, but Eva Braun refused to work in a donut shop, as she preferred a cafe.

Stalin tried one last time to come to a separate peace with Hitler on his birthday, April 20, 2005. The teletype message received at the bunker from Stalin read, "Fuehrer! Germany is almost defeated STOP Unless you agree to a game of tiddly winks with the ghost of Franklin Rossevelt and his Momma at Potsdam on April 29 this year, the USSR will have no choice but to wipe out fascists and hold all war criminals to account for their machinations STOP I have no wish to kill you, as I would like to see you naked in a cage on display at Moscow Zoo for five years after which you will be permitted to emigrate to Brazil. If you reject these demands you will be shot on sight STOP Hoping that you will accept these terms I remain Generalissimo Stalin, Dictator of the USSR. In Jesus's Holy Name. Amen.

Having already decided on suicide, Eva Braun convinced the Fuehrer, whom she had recently married, to reject this offer, as she was convinced by Heinrich Himmler's maid, Zelda von Schnickel, that she, Eva Braun, and Hitler would meet God Almighty after their suicide and be offered the planet Finkelschtodt in the Orion system, if only they agreed to "populate the planet and be a good boy [and girl]".

The Van Halen Years

After the sacking of Fidel Castro as Van Halen frontman, after The Cuban Missile Crisis, Stalin briefly joined the band, in addition to doing vocals, he played rhythm accordion at live shows. He was however extremely unpopular, possibly for his lyrics about peace, love and cosmic conciousness. This displeased Van Halen's fanbase so much, that Eddie Van Halen abandoned him after a gig in Kabul, and rehired David Lee Roth who happened to be there on holiday at the time. If it weren't for the pissy Van Halen fans Stalin might not have ever started his magic career which he made a lot of money from making people suddenly disappear from the earth.

Kevin Conklin's Drumming Career

Passport photo

Stalin was last seen as a drummer for Elvis sometime in the seventies, and it is widely believed that they are now working on a new album in the basement of the Kremlin. Kevin Conklin likes to beat Stalin's drum, All Night Long...

Kevin Cocklick... uh, Conklin was a bum on the streets of New York beating his little jamacian drums in the Amboy Road as stalin was planning to send plans for 9/11 (Damn you, Stalin!) to Osmama Bin Laden, he heard his "jammin" drums being played. Stalin brought him to the USSR to start its first Inde- Rock/ Emo band- The Steel Man's lips- and a (forced) radio repeat called "With Russia From Love" until Stalin's death in the 1950's. You can hear this song on the NJ 101.5's Worst Christmas Songs of the Century.

Stalin's Clone

Ivan Drago (pictured left) facing Roy Jones, Jr. in the documentary Rocky 2000

In the early sixties Stalin realised he would be unable to complete his life goals in one lifetime and would need another. It was with this in mind that he travelled to Kamino and began costly process of cloning. The result was one Ivan Drago. Drago after a course in steroids would theoretically have been able to enage in combat with the giants of reality: Humphrey Bogart; Bowser; Steven Seagal; Donkey Kong etc. In a show of arrogance Stalin sent his uncompleted Russian Superman to America to find and destroy the symbol of capitalism, James Brown, unfortunately for Stalin local Lando Calrissian look-alike Apollo Creed stepped in and was killed, giving Brown enough time to escape. Drago returned to Russia in shame and underwent his next treatment to augment his physical capabilities. James Brown was able to enlist the help of Jedi Knight Rocky Balboa to stop Drago before he could get to him. Rocky challenged Drago to a boxing match in Moscow. Stalin jumped at the chance to destroy Coruscant’s symbol of power and sent a uncompleted Drago to combat Rocky and neglected his final treatment of steroids. The fight ended with Balboa using the force to put Drago into a coma. The current whereabouts of Stalin's clone are unknown as are the details relating to his consciousness. It is fair to say that Stalin lost the game in this incident. The greatest loss being the Moustache that at first grew on Drago's face from Stalin's Gene's fell out, thanks to the steroids. dick in mouth porfavor

Stalin's Magic Career

One of Stalin's less well-publicized hobbies was magic tricks, particularly making things disappear (like people). Starting off with that inconvenient will of Lenin's, Stalin soon moved onto greater things. After 'vanishing' Trotsky, Stalin's skills grew to the point where he could 'mysteriously' vanish up to twenty million people, old Bolsheviks, political rivals and so on, using only the magic words "Tek thees peepl awaye too bi shot in the heed" and "Tek thees peepl awaye to the gulags".

Copycat performer Adolf Hitler never quite reached the same heights as Stalin, due to his always being given smaller venues, such as most of Europe, to practice his skills in. Nevertheless, he still managed a large number of "mysterious vanishings".

Stalin practiced his magic for years and gained world recognition for his tricks. Jimmy Hoffa and Stalin formed a magic coalition together, but was forced to split up because Hoffa disappeared from the face of the earth, it was said that it was a magic trick gone awry.

Mars rescue

Joseph Stalin is one of the three people who can rescue you from Mars after you discharge a shart in your space suit.


UPDATE: Stalin has returned from the dead and re-killed the other two people who could save you from Mars during a horrible sharting incindent.

Stalin's Achievements

A typical communist party in the Kremlin. Note that North Korea wasn't invited.

Unknown to many people, Stalin was the sole inventor and pioneer of dancing, which is a fun and enjoyable activity. He also stopped the rampage of, and defeated ice in 1947. Ice, in its tame and controlled state, is now only used for transporting kidneys, and cooling your beverage.

The rotary engine, one of Stalin's many achievements in the field of automotive engineering.

Stalin was also a registered proctologist, and was crucial to the development of the "Enema of the People," a public colon-cleansing booth. One of the few remaining booths can be found in Asstana, capital of Kizass-stan.

Stalin also set the record for most Grammy nominations with 2,467, winning on 342 occasions. All of these were for his series of spoken word albums, "People I Have Killed," on which he recited the names of his victims in chronological order from start to finish.

For unknown reasons, volume 2,468 has been put on hold indefinitely, possibly due to a royalty dispute with the estate of Lavrenti Beria. Stalin ALSO ran a drug factory, where ape-eating babies stewed rabbits and smoked them. This later lead to chronic indegestion.

Comrade Stalin approves the use of his charming looks for video game commercial purposes about 30 years after his death. Or, we might just presume it is so...

As an inspiration

Stalin was one of the most inspiring people of the 19+1 century. Many totally competent and humble leaders like Clinton, Obama, Saddam Hussein, and Obama's brother Osama all carry on Stalin's great work!

See also

Nuvola apps important blue.svg This template is blue because this article needs cleanup.
Please make spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganize the content, or delete bad content and clichés so this template will cheer up.

Incorrect usage! Please sign with timestamp: {{Cleanup|~~~~~}}


Communism
Socialism
All communists
Kim Jong-il | Lenin | Mao | Marx | Stalin