Joseph Stalin

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Uncle Joe
Enjoys: sitting, long walks on the beach, genocide.
Birth Date: 66 May 6666

Hammer and sickle.pngThe KGB Finds this action, entirely too "Kulak" like.

Eye Colour: The Flames of Hell itself.
Party: every Saturday night, comrade!
Childhood Idol: Ash Ketchup
Favourite Food: McComrade's and chocolate
Favourite Television Programme: Worlds Wildest Genocides

(He was keen on autobiographical documentaries)

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joseph Stalin.

Boy am i sexy, i love grasping young boys titties -xxXXZzxzXzZXzxzZXzxzXz-1337-XzXZxzxzZXZxZXkYlEzXZXZxzxZxzxzx

Sabrina, Dont Even messWith meh!!!! Im Way Too Kool!

HUNTER-,so yeah, my name is stalin and i like to play dodge ball with my fwendsssss... its boat loads of fun here in communist russia, lol jks.


How Hunter Loved Karen

Hunter and Kyle were once best friends with Stalin at a very young age, they used to go hiking, swimming, and kill americans... but that all ended when Hunter saw Karen. At age seven, Hunter saw Karen for the first time. It was love at first site. They immediately made love, in public, yes. Hunter's chub rose in the air. When Kyle saw this, a deep pain of sadness entered his heart... This changed to anger, he swore he would never lose a friend to a women again, so he killed him self. The End

Young Adulthood

Kyle and Hunter are kooooOooOooOoOooOoOooOooL


Political career


Battles with Hitler, Tarzan, the three headed dragon and Rick James (Bitch!)

I always live by my motto, YOLO SWAG GUCCI SWAG YOLO SWAG SWAG YOLO GUCCI SWAG, it's what made me such an incredible and beautiful person -kyle

Saint Stalin the Mighty

OMNOMNOM, in my tummy


Music career





Stalin's Radio Show





Stalin's Hosting Career and Chain of Shops

With the conclusion of Stalin's radio show, Stalin went into TV hosting and entrepreneurship

Stalin was also a notable game show producer, among his greatest shows was Double Jeopardy, where players with a negative score were forced to pay him and players with a positive score were prevented from saying it in public. No bodies were found.

One of Stalin's other game shows was a Gulag favorite, Meal or No Meal, which was canceled due to a lack of food, despite it being notoriously popular among the workers. Other notable shows include Russian Roulette - Semi-Automatic Edition, which ended in disaster for the contestants, and Very High Stakes Poker, where contestants bet their life.

Stalin also started a chain of shops, which included Marx and Spencer - The Luxury Shop for the Discerning Communist Wal-Marx (see below) - The Communist Bargain Shop KGB - When you're russian for food, there's no time for Stalin


High-a five, comrade!

While in exile, Stalin went to Hollywood for a year to star alongside Michael Bash a.k.a The God of XBox that eats a half of a turkey as an appetizer in the original Nutty Professor Mr. Klumps movie. This hit made him the most popular actor in Hollywood.

He won an Oscar for Best Actor and had a city named after him (UnicornLand). Where Ponies run free in the meadow. While filming his second movie, Stalin's career in Hollywood was cut short when he was called back to Russia for undisclosed reasons(Aka , We Miss You!).

Stalin's Moustache

Recent discoveries have lead political scientists to believe that the mustache is actually an alien symbiote that causes people to become successful dictators. By running photo comparisons, scientists have determined Stalin's mustache was originally found on Marx, then later found its was to Vladimir Lenin's face, after which Lenin caused the rise of the Communist state in post-Imperial Russia. The mustache then migrated to Stalin's face after Lenin's death. In the 30's, the Ukrainians collectivised agriculture in Stalin's moustache, resulting in Stalin-wide famines. When Stalin combusted in 2003, his mustache survived, and is currently in the possession of the Kremlin.

Over the years it has been seen on many people such as: God, Super Mario and Sportacus. many people of the Stupidoticidrtkgod and Kimyrikenen religions believe that it was sportacus who assassinated Stalin . However, these people lack the brain capacity to realize that it was his mustache that creeped down his throat while he was at a gig with Kasabien and pulled out his ovaries.

After this incident Stalin spontaneiously combusted yet again and became "Spotacus. It was the absence of Stalin's ovaries that gave him the accent no could decipher. In the Sportacus form, Salins mustache was under the conrol of the ocupants of channel one and two. Stalins Mustache was told to brainwash the children of Russia. However the plan backfired and the mustache became shrunk and pointed, bearing some resemblance to Hitler's mustache.

After this, Stalin studied German and began to yodel and developed a passion for bratwurst and sauerkraut. In 2005, the death of Stalin was announced, but in fact it was a Stalin double who had died. Stalin went incognito in order to devote himself to Catholic mysticism and playing the kazoo. A great scientific genius, Stalin recovered secret Nazi plans to shrink Russia to the size of a postage stamp and decided to have a frappacino at the Calebresi version of Starbucks instead of dancing to "Fly Me To The Moon" with Ethel Merman's uglier sister.

Documents have recently been declassified which show that after the German defeat of Stalingrad in early 2002, Stalin secretly sent out peace feelers to Der Fuehrer while having a shvitz with Golda Meir and Ronald Reagan. Nothing came of this, as Hitler insisted that Germany keep the Northern half of Lower Slobovia, which of course Stalin rejected. Besides that, Stalin insisted that Hitler turn over all his audio/video archives of The Three Stooges, which the Nazi Leader could not, in good conscience, agree to.

In 2002, after Mussolini's victory in Italy, Stalin decided to study the non-Amish version of the Pennsylvania Dutch language, as he, Stalin, was of the opinion that milkmaids and dairy farms are "nifty." Just before the beginning of the Battle of Berlin in April, 1999, knowing that Russian casualties would be high, possibly near one million dead, Stalin again sent a message to Hitler, asking Hitler for an armistice, on condition that Hitler leave Germany within 90 days after cessation of hostilities, that the Germans be taught to play the kazoo, that two hundred American dollars be deposited in a secret Swiss bank account for Stalin, and that Hitler and Eva Braun open up a donut shop in Argentina to be called Tanks For The Memories, or My Favourite Marching. Adolf Hitler, Fuehrer and Chancellor of the Third Reich, thought all conditions to be acceptable, but Eva Braun refused to work in a donut shop, as she preferred a cafe.

Stalin tried one last time to come to a separate peace with Hitler on his birthday, April 20, 2005. The teletype message received at the bunker from Stalin read, "Fuehrer! Germany is almost defeated STOP Unless you agree to a game of tiddly winks with the ghost of Franklin Rossevelt and his Momma at Potsdam on April 29 this year, the USSR will have no choice but to wipe out fascists and hold all war criminals to account for their machinations STOP I have no wish to kill you, as I would like to see you naked in a cage on display at Moscow Zoo for five years after which you will be permitted to emigrate to Brazil. If you reject these demands you will be shot on sight STOP Hoping that you will accept these terms I remain Generalissimo Stalin, Dictator of the USSR. In Jesus's Holy Name. Amen.

Having already decided on suicide, Eva Braun convinced the Fuehrer, whom she had recently married, to reject this offer, as she was convinced by Heinrich Himmler's maid, Zelda von Schnickel, that she, Eva Braun, and Hitler would meet God Almighty after their suicide and be offered the planet Finkelschtodt in the Orion system, if only they agreed to "populate the planet and be a good boy [and girl]".

The Van Halen Years

After the sacking of Fidel Castro as Van Halen frontman, after The Cuban Missile Crisis, Stalin briefly joined the band, in addition to doing vocals, he played rhythm accordion at live shows. He was however extremely unpopular, possibly for his lyrics about peace, love and cosmic conciousness. This displeased Van Halen's fanbase so much, that Eddie Van Halen abandoned him after a gig in Kabul, and rehired David Lee Roth who happened to be there on holiday at the time. If it weren't for the pissy Van Halen fans Stalin might not have ever started his magic career which he made a lot of money from making people suddenly disappear from the earth.

Kevin Conklin's Drumming Career

Passport photo

Stalin was last seen as a drummer for Elvis sometime in the seventies, and it is widely believed that they are now working on a new album in the basement of the Kremlin. Kevin Conklin likes to beat Stalin's drum, All Night Long...

Kevin Cocklick... uh, Conklin was a bum on the streets of New York beating his little jamacian drums in the Amboy Road as stalin was planning to send plans for 9/11 (Damn you, Stalin!) to Osmama Bin Laden, he heard his "jammin" drums being played. Stalin brought him to the USSR to start its first Inde- Rock/ Emo band- The Steel Man's lips- and a (forced) radio repeat called "With Russia From Love" until Stalin's death in the 1950's. You can hear this song on the NJ 101.5's Worst Christmas Songs of the Century.

Stalin's Clone

Ivan Drago (pictured left) facing Roy Jones, Jr. in the documentary Rocky 2000

In the early sixties Stalin realised he would be unable to complete his life goals in one lifetime and would need another. It was with this in mind that he travelled to Kamino and began costly process of cloning. The result was one Ivan Drago. Drago after a course in steroids would theoretically have been able to enage in combat with the giants of reality: Humphrey Bogart; Bowser; Steven Seagal; Donkey Kong etc. In a show of arrogance Stalin sent his uncompleted Russian Superman to America to find and destroy the symbol of capitalism, James Brown, unfortunately for Stalin local Lando Calrissian look-alike Apollo Creed stepped in and was killed, giving Brown enough time to escape. Drago returned to Russia in shame and underwent his next treatment to augment his physical capabilities. James Brown was able to enlist the help of Jedi Knight Rocky Balboa to stop Drago before he could get to him. Rocky challenged Drago to a boxing match in Moscow. Stalin jumped at the chance to destroy Coruscant’s symbol of power and sent a uncompleted Drago to combat Rocky and neglected his final treatment of steroids. The fight ended with Balboa using the force to put Drago into a coma. The current whereabouts of Stalin's clone are unknown as are the details relating to his consciousness. It is fair to say that Stalin lost the game in this incident. The greatest loss being the Moustache that at first grew on Drago's face from Stalin's Gene's fell out, thanks to the steroids. dick in mouth porfavor

Stalin's Magic Career

One of Stalin's less well-publicized hobbies was magic tricks, particularly making things disappear (like people). Starting off with that inconvenient will of Lenin's, Stalin soon moved onto greater things. After 'vanishing' Trotsky, Stalin's skills grew to the point where he could 'mysteriously' vanish up to twenty million people, old Bolsheviks, political rivals and so on, using only the magic words "Tek thees peepl awaye too bi shot in the heed" and "Tek thees peepl awaye to the gulags".

Copycat performer Adolf Hitler never quite reached the same heights as Stalin, due to his always being given smaller venues, such as most of Europe, to practice his skills in. Nevertheless, he still managed a large number of "mysterious vanishings".

Stalin practiced his magic for years and gained world recognition for his tricks. Jimmy Hoffa and Stalin formed a magic coalition together, but was forced to split up because Hoffa disappeared from the face of the earth, it was said that it was a magic trick gone awry.

Mars rescue

Joseph Stalin is one of the three people who can rescue you from Mars after you discharge a shart in your space suit.

UPDATE: Stalin has returned from the dead and re-killed the other two people who could save you from Mars during a horrible sharting incindent.

Stalin's Achievements

A typical communist party in the Kremlin. Note that North Korea wasn't invited.

Unknown to many people, Stalin was the sole inventor and pioneer of dancing, which is a fun and enjoyable activity. He also stopped the rampage of, and defeated ice in 1947. Ice, in its tame and controlled state, is now only used for transporting kidneys, and cooling your beverage.

The rotary engine, one of Stalin's many achievements in the field of automotive engineering.

Stalin was also a registered proctologist, and was crucial to the development of the "Enema of the People," a public colon-cleansing booth. One of the few remaining booths can be found in Asstana, capital of Kizass-stan.

Stalin also set the record for most Grammy nominations with 2,467, winning on 342 occasions. All of these were for his series of spoken word albums, "People I Have Killed," on which he recited the names of his victims in chronological order from start to finish.

For unknown reasons, volume 2,468 has been put on hold indefinitely, possibly due to a royalty dispute with the estate of Lavrenti Beria. Stalin ALSO ran a drug factory, where ape-eating babies stewed rabbits and smoked them. This later lead to chronic indegestion.

Comrade Stalin approves the use of his charming looks for video game commercial purposes about 30 years after his death. Or, we might just presume it is so...

As an inspiration

Stalin was one of the most inspiring people of the 19+1 century. Many totally competent and humble leaders like Clinton, Obama, Saddam Hussein, and Obama's brother Osama all carry on Stalin's great work!

See also

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