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Kabbalah (Hebrew: קַבָּלָה, lit. "receiving") is a form of esoteric sexual intercourse involving at least one singer or actor and at least two additional individuals of any gender or species.
The Kabbalah rules of engagement involve frequent us of WD40, pulling, pushing, slapping and jumping up and down while wearing a pointed bra with tassels.
While normally performed on an empty stomach, some branches of Judaism advocate performance of Kaballah after consumption of matzah balls, meat cholent or stuffed cabbage, as it reportedly reduces the need for use of WD40.
Kabbalah - the Food
Five horses are needed to make one kaballah. Bollocks are prepared by special rabbi's henchmen named caballeros and rolled in crunchy toasted oats before frying. Serve with green celery and chopped onion. Traditionally Jews have always preferred to eat horse genitalia than say bacon or sausages or ham, although the reasons for this are lost in the sands of time.
Kabbalah - the Game
Kabbalah is played on a "Field of Life" (not to be confused with "Tree of Life" or "Field of Dreams"), marked out with ten bases or sfeerios. Each sfeerio is made of crunchy toasted oats and represents a stage of mystical ascent to Ayn Rand, the ancient Aramaic name for "home plate." The ten sfeerios, in increasing order of difficulty, are:
- Malkhootie and the Blowfish
- TIFF Error
- He Said She Said
- Hark Ma
Note: In Aussie Rules Kabbalah, the third sfeerio is called Donut, as in "Do nut ask."
Rules of Play
Each Kabbalah team consists of nine players plus one rabbi, whose job is to sit in the team's dugout, stroke his or her beard, take an occasional pinch of snuff, and look contemplative. The others play as follows:
- The two teams determine who goes first, by opening the holy playbook, the Zo Hard, to a random page, resting a finger on a random word, and calculating its numerological value. Whichever team's name is closest in value to that word goes first.
- The Pisher opens the game by tossing a motherload of red strings onto the field.
- The three Mad Batters run around the sfeerios in order while picking up red strings and tying them around their wrists.
- Meanwhile, the three Shortsharpshocks on the opposing team attempt to block the Mad Batters by pelting them with matzah balls (the "sinker" kind, not the "floater").
- The first team's turn ends when all three Mad Batters are down for the count, or when all the strings are gathered up.
- Repeat nine times for each team, or until the Messiah comes. In either case, the team with the most red strings, and the fewest concussed or dead Mad Batters, wins.
Leagues and Championships
In professional North American Kabbalah, teams are organized into one of two leagues: the Hebrew League and the Hermetic Golden Dawn Crowley League. At the close of every season, the two winning teams from each league face off against each other in the World Sfeeries. Whichever team wins seven out of ten games is crowned God until next season, provided that at least five out of the nine players are free of brain damage (from the matzah balls) and gangrene (from tying the damn strings on too tight).