Luck

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“I didn't invent Luck, I am Luck.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Luck

“Luck killed my father, and raped my mother! Then, I won the Lottery. It was the most confusing weekend of my life.”

~ Jack Nicholson on Luck

“If you're walking along, and you get hit by a bus, you're unlucky. If you're walking along, and you get hit by a bus right before getting shot in the crotch, you're pretty damn lucky I would think.”

~ Jose Cuervo on Luck

“Wouldn't know anything about it.”

~ Jesus on Luck

“It's like, being sucked into a vacuum man... it's beautiful man... like trees or cocaine, or cocaine... Beautiful man.”

~ That guy on ?

BOB DOLE, BOB DOLE, Bob dole, bob dole... bob... dole... zzzzz.”

~ Bob Dole on The rise and fall communism, and the cold war's effects in Vancover and luck

“I like to get hit with rubber mallets....it turns me on.”

~ QuasiEvilPrimate on Luck

Origins of Luck

Luck was invented in 90 (whether it was B.C or A.D is yet to be determined) by the great unknown painter, Petie of York. It was his intention to make money off of Luck by trying to find piles of undiscovered money in the Azores, but he made the mistake of telling his Irish friend, known only as McKunnis about the idea. McKunnis then killed Petie of York by singing we didn't start the fire in his ear while he was sleeping, and stole all of the credit. Petie telling McKunnis is also the first example of Luck in the world. It was then McKunnis who possessed the Luck. Then however, McKunnis died while doing a keg-stand and haroine at the same time. This was the first example of Over Dosing. Luck dissapered for a long time after that in what came to be known as "The greater depression than that one with FDR", until in 1010 A.D Oscar Wilde dug up McKunnis and, with McKunnis' corpse he preformed his rendition of the Boston Bomber, which forced the luck right out of McKunnis, and into Wilde, thus he become the enbodiment of luck and the inventer of the Boston Bomber. Afterwards, Wilde gave birth to several leprechauns, which sprung forth from his head and helped to create the 20,000 dimentions of luck that controll the universe.

Dimensions of Luck

There are twenty thousand dimentions in the luck-o-sphere, which is similar to the atmosphere, but with less air and more leprechauns. No one really knows how it was created, because Oscar Wilde and his leprechauns haven't told anyone yet. But what can be determined is that they used some kind of lubricant, and that at least 14,893 dimentions of luck concern PAC-MAN. When questioned about it, Wilde has often responded by murdering the person asking the question, then urinating in a water fountain. At one point Wilde was kidnaped by his brother Aaron Wilde in an attempt to steal the secret of the luck-o-sphere, but failed when his slowly moving laser ran out of power before reaching Oscar, argueably due to Oscar's good luck, though others yet maintain that Aaron used Durracell, when he should have used Energizer. This however has been consistantly refuted, I mean who dosn't know that Energizer lasts longer. It's got the bunny on the God damn drum. Nothing stops that rabbit, NOTHING!!! In any case, Aaron is now trying to find the key to time travel so that he can go back in time and just shoot Oscar instead of trying the whole laser ordeal. Hes got the Dalorian and everything, but can't seem to find some thing to generate the 1.21 gigawattz that he needs to power the flux capacitor, of all the damndest things.

Bad Luck

Bad luck is bestowed at will by Wilde at any given moment. Bad luck, once given, can last by three to one million years, and is contagious. If you ever see someone with bad luck, you must for the good of man kind, end their lives in the most brutal way possible. If you beat them to death with an iron rod or even a jawbreaker, the bad luck sticks to their soul and they can no longer infect inoccent people. They are distiguishable from their cheery additudes, oblivious nature, and their Austrialian accents. This is a list of what and who Oscar Wilde has givin bad luck to over the years.

  • The U.S.A, for pissing him off at the 1914 olympic games by not letting him on the team
  • Jesus, who never returned his phone call
  • Polonius, for being written into Hamlet instead of Wilde's latest work, Iceburgs of the Misty Mongoose
  • Ceaser, for beliving in himself
  • White people, for not including him in their prayers
  • Dogs named Spot
  • Dogs not named Spot
  • Any cat not named whiskers
  • Stonewall Jackson, for cheating on Wilde with Edger Allan Poe
  • Tupac, for never mentioning Wilde(who is considered Tupac's greatest fan) in his lerics
  • Reagen, for his stance on abortion
  • The Showtime channel, for not offering entertainment as well as HBO
  • You, for being TIME magazine's person of the year instead of him
  • Fords, for sucking
  • Lutherans, for woshiping Lex Luthor
  • Methodists, for woshiping the devil
  • iTunes, for costing money
  • Styx, for stealing the idea for Mr. Roboto from him
  • Axel Rose for being a giant douche bag
  • Jack Bower, to keep 24 suplied with a plot
  • M&M/Mars, for operating out of New Jersey
  • The NY Giants for playing in Jersey, but insisting on being called the NEW YORK Giants
  • Nixon, for trying and failing to take the luck out of Wilde
  • Aunt Jamima, for her contibution to diabetes
  • Mick Jagger, whom Oscar always wanted to meet but never got the chance

Good Luck

Good luck is harder to recive because the action must be passed by a group consisting of Leprechauns, Talking Prince/Frogs, Bears named Barney, the Thundercats, and Judd Hersh formerly of Taxi (he's the one with the big nose) then fallowed through by Wilde's power alone. This is known as The Council of Kurt Cobaine, not in affiliation with the Nirvana Frontman. Actions taken by the COKC are often done so to rectify Oscar Wilde's Bad luck giving, but are often unsuccessful due to Wilde's will. A few though, are given through the kindness of Wilde's several hearts. Here is a list of good luck given by the COKC and Oscar Wilde.

  • Jesus, after Wilde learned that the phone had not yet been invented
  • Family Guy, Which Wilde brought back from the death, and for which he has gradually regreted
  • Any brave soul who has attempted the Boston Bomber and succeded
  • Christopher Walken, who is the embodiment of Christ after his resuretion
  • Stephen Colbert, Who is the only other person in the world who knows the secrets of the luck-o-sphere
  • The Aztecs, the minor league baseball team not the people, nothing could save those guys
  • The Russians in the Winter, because that is the only time that Judd Hersh is awake
  • People who make obscene refrences to their genitals while playing Battleship
  • Places rhyming with -oloni
  • Borat, for doing what ever it took to get the stupidest people in his movie
  • AIDS, who is a genourous tipper
  • The word Quantizmo

Luck in the Media

Luck can be found anywhere and even though no one can see luck, luck can still see you. Sometimes, when luck gets out side the Luck-o-sphere and the leprechauns fail to catch it, luck hides amongst us. It particularly likes tv shows and has been known to change events in human history. For instance, it was luck that alowed George Bush "win" the presidental elections of 00' and 04'. Luck allowed Reagen to survive that bullet in his chest and the fifteen hundred bullets he didn't know about that were coming after him. Yes luck has cirtenly damned us all to a hell on earth when it escapes from the luck-o-sphere. That's why when you see a leprechaun, you have to skin the botttom of his feet and steal all his gold, that way he'll learn his lesson and be more careful of letting the luck out. That and you get your own set of lucky leprechaun feet skin, which can be made into quite a delicious tea called Yourine.

The End of All Luck

One day, all of luck will end. No one is sure about when this will be, or why it won't last, but what is for sure is that it will kill us all in the process. Luck is tricky like that, you can't see it, unless your retarded of course(and then you're kind of seeing it from the outside looking in), so it's hard to imagine a world ending without luck. But then again, you can't see the pixies in you soup, but we all know where we'd be if they weren't there. The point is luck is like money, don't ever give any to your girlfriend after sex, because that's not a girlfriend, thats a postitute, and you can look that up because that is a fact! You hear me Louise, You can call it what you want, that $20 you "Work" for makes you a Whore! Do you want that, people already call you a Tramp, do you really want to egg them on, you... you... Quantizmo! Luckily though, luck won't end for a long long time, or at least as long as I can go with out spending my last $20 on Louise... Its not looking good.

See Also