Absinthe

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“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

~ Shakespeare on Absinthe

“Not bad, but this isn't the sort of fairy I fancy.”

~ Oscar Wilde on absinthe

“HOLY FUCKING SHIIIIIIIII-AT!!!!!!”

~ Me on My first shot of Absinthe
Absinthe advertisement depicting absinthe's clothing dissolving properties, especially on the young nubile lesbians

Absinthe is a green liquid that is a commonly used to circumvent most methods of birth control. It is also known to act as a truth serum and to occasionally interfere with the Space Time Continuum. It is outlawed in several countries because frequent use may result in, quote, "acting like an idiot". Absinthe is also the fuel of choice for Top fuel dragsters, space rockets, Formula 1 cars, most Land Speed Record machines and Moses.

Distillation

Absinthe is distilled from bits of wood, worms, green crayons, 11 secret herbs and spices according to a secret lesbian recipe. One of thes secret 'herbs and spices' is believed to be green kryptonite as the consumption of absinthe by kryptonians causes them to wear their underpants on the outside, become attracted to large phallic objects such as aeroplanes and supertankers, often rescuing them without warning and taking them back to their Fortress of "Solitude", and then having no recollection of the past 14 hours or why they have large quantities crude oil and aviation fuel lodged in their spandex.

Using Absinthe

Absinthe has been used in Bohemian rituals for centuries to convince others that they are more hedonistic and Bohemian than anyone else. It is considered passé, and positively dangerous, to simply pour absinthe directly from the bottle into a glass. In order to experience the full effects it is recommended that absinthe is poured through a sugar cube before consumption. Ideally this sugar cube should be 15 inches across. Burnt toast, an old sock, or any Edwardian writer (such as Lord Byron or Oscar Wilde) can be substituted for the sugar cube.

Used correctly absinthe should only cause drunkenness, debauchery, mild memory loss, and a slight rash around the genital and anal regions.

WARNING:Under no circumstances should absinthe be exposed to naked flames, as the resulting explosion is unlikely to cause superpowers.

Side Effects

Kryptonite

Absinthe is a hallucinogenic alchohol. An astonishing array of side effects have been attributed to the consumption of absinthe, most of which are true, but you'll never remember them. Most commonly the absinthe causes hallucinations of Kylie Minougue as a green fairy who sings the hills are alive with the sound of music.

Other Absinthe Facts

  • Absinthe was created in the novel 1942 by Al Gore, and is endorsed by the Bush Administration.
  • Laboratory tests in 1832 showed that Absinthe can cause vanity in mice.
  • Muad'Dib reported to be able to control a herd of sandworms with just one glass of Absinthe.
  • The folks at Wikipedia have an article on Absinthe which includes a list of types of Absinthe, the effects of drinking Absinthe and what organizations exist to help you rehabilitate after.
  • Absinthe makes you absenthe minded.
  • Absinthe is primarily consumed by vampires and old ladies with a death wish.
  • Absinthe does not look green to people who are colorblind. In the dark it also does not look green but will still feel wet.

See also

Famous Users

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Absinthe.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY