Seven Cardinal Virtues

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Some bloke with a hat obtains Cardinal knowledge
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Seven Cardinal Virtues.

With selfish genes and selfish memes, the Evil Atheist Conspiracy believes that these Seven Cardinal Virtues will take over the world in 2027, around tea time.

And the Seven Virtues are...[edit]

  1. Style The good thing about style is that it is relative. Thus, applying makeup so thickly that you resemble a clown is considered sexy and highly fashionable in Russia, Ukraine, and other members of the former Second World. As this example illustrates, no matter what style you choose, it will be considered stylish by some members of the human race. Thus, everyone on earth shares this one virtue.
  2. Humour It's ok if they laugh at you, just as long as they laugh.
  3. Wealth Money is happiness, and sad people are depressing. Therefore, if you don't have money you are without charm or a sense of humor.
  4. Tallness Heretics throughout time have contested the fact that being tall beats being small. Upon examination of historical records, all heretics are believed to be 5 feet 2 inches tall (men) and 4 feet 9 inches (women).
  5. Darkness Everyone loves black people. Even if you're white, you should act like a black guy.
  6. Handsomeness Heretics also have contested the fact that good looks are a virtue. That society has chosen to ignore the complaints of these ugly trolls is hardly a surprise.
  7. Strangeness It's a virtue to be random. Monkey hats are good food.