Severus Snape

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Severus Snape.
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“I didn't know I was a wizard in a past life...”

~ Trent Reznor on Snape

“I trust Severus with my life.”

~ Dumbledore on Snape

“In Soviet Russia, Dumbledore kills YOU, Snape!”

“I'm going to give you a clue...let's just say the only reason I'm nervous in his class is because Snape rhymes with RAPE.”

~ Neville Longbottom on his own insecurities

“Not another Oscar Wilde wannabe”

~ Captain Obvious on Snape

“12 inches, core made of jism! Is known to get lost in my chamber of secrets!”

~ Hermione Granger on Snape's Wand

“You SUCK !”

~ Harry Potter on Snape

“Man, I wanna hit that... I would mess that chick up!”

“Open your Gryffindor and I'll Slytherin.”

Ecky-Thump has long had a reputation for being a "black art" because of the terror that a skillfully wielded sausage can elicit in simple folk.