The Jonas Brothers

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“What a bunch of faggots.”

~ Chris Crocker on The Jonas Brothers
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about The Brothers Jonas.

The Jonas Brothers (more commonly referred to as The Jon-ass Fuckers) are a band invented by the reanimated corpse of Walt Disney and his army of dwarf cartoonists to gain the interest of a generation of teenage girls who were unexcited by the idea of princesses and offensively cute animals.

Contrary to popular belief, the Jonas Brothers do not actually exist. They are in fact entirely drawn and animated by Walt Disney Animation Studios. This makes them similar to Gorillaz and Girls Aloud, except the latter two bands make no pretense of being real human beings.

Nick Jonas, lead singer and trombonist, is arguably the most attractive of the band, but then, let's face it, there's not much competition. A self-proclaimed womanizer, Nick is known to have impregnated at least seventy-three separate women and a couple of sheep, and is the only person other than John F. Kennedy and God to have children in all eight continents.

Joe Jonas, the one with the emo hair, is the only openly gay flamboyant member of the band, although he is almost certainly not the only one. Joe has been admitted to hospital four times with chronic ugliness, a little-known and mostly harmless disease which can only be cured by suicide.

Kevin Jonas, also known as 'the Other One', is usually said to be the only Brother with a soul and a dick, Nick and Joe having made deals with Satan and the IRS respectively. Kevin serves no particular purpose in the band, but is there to demonstrate how attractive the other two are (in comparison, anyway).


The Jonas Brothers' music style has in the past been likened to classic heavy metal bands such as Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden, although admittedly this comparison was made by deaf people who do not know who the Jonas Brothers are.

Their true style actually stands somewhere between the anguished screeching of dying cats in a distorted blender and the sound of someone taking a particularly runny shit in an a large, echoey bathroom. Otherwise known as wholesome, family music. The kind that soccer moms force their little blue eyed bastards to listen to, so their fragile minds won't be corrupted by evil heavy metal or gangsta rap, and thus won't be tempted to have have any free thoughts or look at black girls.

Rise to Flame[edit]

Contrary to popular belief the Jonas Brothers are the oldest band to have made a deal with the devil. They are the love child of a weird leather threesome with Hitler, Margaret Thatcher and George Bush. They tried to keep the terrible foursome as they called the children, yes there was a fourth brother (see below for more details), a secret. However, Walt Disney caught wind of them and like everything else he exploited them in his giant money making machine a.k.a Disney.

Walt Disney: "Do not diss the jonas brothers! Its not their fault if they have style! Its just their style. Deep deep down they are nice people and have great music. They set a great example for younger kids hoping one day to go to a music camp ( from their movie Camp Rock) or maybe be singing stone cupids ( Night at the Museum 2) or just about anything else they can conjure up. So please, show a little respect."

Scandal and the Jonas Brothers[edit]

Since the Jonas Brothers' rise to fame there have been a great variety of scandals involving them and their extra-curricular activities, the most well-known being that of the Fourth Brother.

In 2007, it came to light that the Brothers Jonas do, in fact have another sibling. He was originally going to be part of the group, as Disney's marketing department were finding it hard to depart from the cute underage girls they had been drawing for the last century. However, the Fourth Brother had a distinctly rebellious streak, and was soon arrested for possession of a variety of illegal drugs and attempting to eat Paris Hilton's dog. Following these incidents, to avoid disgrace Disney removed Frankie from the group and locked him away in their basement, along with Barney the Dinosaur and Gary Glitter.

The Jonas Brothers fell into yet more scandalous scandal in early 2009, when the Jonas Brothers' KKK funding came to light. It was also revealed that the KKK were sneaking backwards messages such as "The infidels must die!" and "Buy KKK brand soap powder" into the Brothers' songs.

In later 2009, The Jonas Brothers very own Nick Jonas struggled with problems. Doctors began to question Nick's fairly small testicles. This made him self-conscious and Nick ended up recording some inappropriate songs which were leaked onto the internet. Disney then dropped them and The Jonas Brothers signed with Racist Gays Records.

Legend says that all three were born as chicks in the year 2056. They were given a sex change and sent back in time to the year 2004, in which the very same year they formed their shitty-ass group. Remains of their time machine were recovered in the Mojave desert in 2006, in which scientists found articles of clothing, the brothers' vaginas stored in jars, and remnants of futuristic Playdude magazines.

AIDS controversy[edit]

The Jonas Brothers are completely responsible for AIDS. It was during the Jonas Brothers' worst few years, see Nickelodeon, that they were doing crack, crystal meth, marijuana, speed, hash, heroin, Disney Dollars, pot, LSD, cocaine and all the other shit you can smoke. The Jonas Brothers were complete wrecks and they became very desperate.

Joe Jonas' mother on her best day.

Nick Jonas mistook Joe Jonas' mom for a monkey (because he was banged up from all the drugs) and screwed it. After this Nick screwed Kevin Jonas and he contracted AIDS from "Joe's mother". Over two decades later Walt Disney hired the Jonas Brothers and this started the worst era of the Disney Channel, yet somehow the generation nowadays love it.

Miley Cyrus has turned into a slut!

They started off by wearing abstinence bracelets because its "cool". However, a few days after the "Best of Both Worlds" tour starring Miley Cyrus and the brothers Walt Disney discovered all of them high back stage. Because of this Miley Cyrus has turned into the Miley that we see today. A slut. For more information see Rosie O'Donnell. Miley then screwed more hopeless Disney fans as well as the Jonas Brothers. This eventually spread AIDS throughout the world and as a cover up Walt Disney blamed Africa. This is also the reason why Disney never has concerts there. That, and no teenage African girl can afford to mooch off their parents to pay for the $300 seats in the peanut gallery for a Jonas Brothers concert in the sports arena that has not been built yet in Africa.

Jonas Brothers Fans[edit]

Your stereotypical Jonas Brothers fan is usually a prepubescent or teenage girl with no taste in music whatsoever. They usually wear purity rings, worn by such "celebrities" as Miley Cyrus (because we can clearly see that she honors that pledge) symbolizing that they won't do anything remotely exciting until marriage. They also watch episodes of "Grey's Anatomy"; for whatever reason, I do not know. My guess is because ABC is owned by Disney, they have Stockholm Syndrome, and they will watch any piece of crap made by Disney.

Whenever anyone with any common sense states the obvious and even says one word about how the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, or any other Disney attention whore sucks, these fangirls will yell and scream at them, while making incoherent sentences and talking about how "cute" Joe Jonas is. We here at Uncyclopedia advise you to not say bad things about the Jonas Brothers around one of their fans when she is on her period, or else she will turn into a fire-breathing dragon dinosaur lizard thingy.

Death of the man-whores[edit]

The death of these complete dumb fucks was nothing but brilliant and inspiring. Angered by Rolling Stone constantly fawning over the Jo Hoes with reviews of splendor and giving them their numbers on pieces of toilet paper, The Killers (who Rolling Stone always give a bad review) killed them. It was, of course, ruled a justifiable homicide.

Interesting Facts[1][edit]

  • Nick Jonas likes to smell flowers. Joe likes to smell Kevin.
  • Kevin Jonas has a 0.5µm dick.
  • Joe Jonas has several hundred testicles, yet no penis.
  • Joe may well have stolen one of Kevin's testicles while in the womb.
  • Only five of the Jonas Brothers are known to have supported Adolf Hitler. Actually, there are only four Jonas Brothers. The other one was pretending to be a Jonas Brother so he could get money.


  1. The words "facts" and "interesting" are used as figures of speech and are not to be taken seriously. Uncyclopedia will not be held responsible for any lawsuits and/or boredom resulting from reading this section.