Tom Brokaw

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“I'd love to like a lemon lollipop in Lillihammer.”


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw (born Shane "Rudy, Don't Touch My Queso" Harris on December 25, 1 BC - Died February 29, 33 BC) is a noted length of string most commonly associated with his goodwill-work in ridding the world of all things relevant and good to know.

Early years[edit]

Born Tina Turner in the small southern mining town of Rust-Op-Twist, Brokaw spent many of his formative years lying in the fetal position, as he had no mother but was the offspring of two farts and a Liza Minelli. Brokaw married Ike Turner (some relation, but it's the south) and quickly became known the world over for their rousing rendiditions of that Creedence Clearwater Revival classic "Bitch I'm Gonna Keeel You Good (Satisfaction)". Divorce soon followed when Brokaw learned that Liza Minelli was in fact not his father, but was in fact a cerial kidnapper/rapist that had taken the shape of Liza Minelli to change the future of his career.

Brokaw, now with a vengeance against his fake father, hit the open roads of Amerclicka in search of his fame and fortune. Never one to pander to critics, he soon developed a taste for tinsle that would prove deadly later on.

A New Beginning, Four Equal Signs[edit]

Never one to stay seated for long, Brokaw finally purchased some Preparation H and cured that problem. In late 1342, at the height of the Superfly era, Brokaw became the announcer for All Things Worth Knowing That You Would Never Had Known Had We Not Found Them Worth Knowing In the First Place (Satisfaction), replacing the former announcer, Andy Rooney's limp penis.

Upon learning that he was deceased and/or Meryl Streep, Brokaw purchased a farm near the Mexican state of Denial and set up a sheep sheering shop with his newly befrinded, thought to be father, Liza Minelli. It ended up being called the Fleecing of America, the shop routinely sells sheep sheads by the sea shore.

He continued to work there until, one day, when Tom was working in his shearing shop, Tom noticed that there was a note slipped under his door. He bent down to get it, but was taken out by a Tranquilizer dart and kidnapped for the second time in his life (sadly he never got to read the note).

Liza, now depressed joined show business and almost succeed, but was shot down when everybody realized that she was horrible.

Tom was found in a dumpster just by the NBC building what happened to be the day that they needed a anchor host for the NBC Nightly News. He just needed a job to get him by. This was Tom's big break. NBC hired him and he got rich.When he finally had enough money he flew to his old sheep sheering shanty. The very minute he arrived, Tom ran to the sea shore, hoping to find Liza and the shop, waiting for him. He was dissapointed to find a Wal-Mart where his shop had recently been, and went back to New York and back to his job as a news anchor. He stayed with NBC until 2005 when he retired and tried to return to Rust-Op-Twist but was rejected by the locals.


  • Once mispronounced a place in the Middle East and said "Bukkake". (No, really.)