Truman Capote

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Truman Capote.

Truman Capote served as Vice President of the United States during the administration of Franklin Della Reese. He is known for personally dropping atom bombs on Japan, because it pissed him off. Let this be a lesson to us all.

Later in life, he is believed to have killed legendary porn star Holly Golightly in cold blood, after which he established a second career as a successful author and became known as the gayest gay who ever gayed. Let this, too, be a lesson to us all.

Some contemporary literary scholars assert that he was in fact the author of Harper Lee's timeless novel I Know Why the Huckamocking Finnbird Sings, but this theory became discredited after it was revealed that Lee shrunk Capote down with her Chinese shrinking ray and ate him messily with her rice dinner.

Capote, Away from the Limelight[edit]

Capote was a closeted heterosexual and played the role of fawning Queen as insurance that his woman-lusting wouldn't get him kicked off the New York Times Best Sellers List. His insatiable lust for tail was legendary, but only spoken in hushed circles. It was in one of these circles that he caught Gore Vidal putting the moves on a pole dancer that Capote had tempted with a crisp ten dollar bill and the promise of “rocking your world like San Francisco ’06.” Capote attempted to leave with artist, and Vidal resisted. Capote again asserted his claim to the MILF, and again, Vidal (who was not only an author, but also the bantam weight golden gloves champ at Cornell) refused. Capote suggested that they take it outside, when Vidal turned the tiny terror of the literati upside down and smacked Capote so hard that his mother and grandmother felt it. Capote got the girl, and got the last laugh: he caught Vidal fawning over Jackie Onassis at lunch one day when he approached the former First Lady from behind, mashed her face into his slacks and growled "Yeah Baby, Gore’s been there, you want sloppy seconds?”