Difference between revisions of "Wigan"

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shiza - Shit
 
shiza - Shit
 
 
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Connor Hughes - Gaylord
 
   
 
wantfa gotfa shup? - want to go to the shop
 
wantfa gotfa shup? - want to go to the shop

Revision as of 18:30, 11 September 2009

The AdidasReebok Stadium, Wigan, opened in June 2012 to the delight of the thronging crowds

“I once played the Hippodrome, with that whinging git George Formby. To this day the sound of a ukelele sends a shudder up my spine”

~ Noel Coward on Wigan

“Wigan? Bomb The Buggers! ”

~ Lee Halliwell on Wigan

“toreet”

~ Wiganers on accepted greetings

“There is no foodstuff known to humankind that a Wiganner won't make into a pie and eat at a bus-stop ”

~ Jamie Oliver on Wigan


Alternate Universes come and go, but in the case of Wigan, it would appear a more stable existence has evolved. Located within the Ancient Kingdom of Great Lancashire, Wigan has gone on to become one of the greatest towns in the history of Bolton. When the sun is in the seventh house, Jupiter is aligned with Mars, and the moon is the Sign o' Baal, Wigan materialises for a short period in the next largest hole to Manchester.

Wigan is an amazing nation of males who look like females and females who happen to look like males. This can be awfully confusing. It has a population of 100 million and is larger than a Cow. Wigan also has very close links with Standish, as it is sometimes thought by idiots to be the same place...

Economy

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Wigan.

The main currency of Wigan is obviously "the Pie" with "Meat", "Steak and Kidney" and "Dog" the most utilised. In more recent years a small amount of bartering has made its way into the economy, particularly within the "Shiny Beads" industry. The main export of Wigan is the Magic Combined Harvester.

In 1984, famed historian and traveller George Orwell wrote his famous travelogue of his journey along "The Road to Wigan Pier". It met with great approval from the Members of the Outer Party, describing the picturesque beauty of the Wigan area, from the rolling leafy hills of Eastasia, to the natural scenic majesty of Eurasia. Some areas, such as Oceania have remained unspoilt since the time of Orwell's visit, and are still a popular tourist destination, with visitors from as far afield as That place where racists live, Boratland, East Korea and even Rochdale.

Wigan Pier is oficially the longest man (or Leyther) made structure on Earth, it is visible from outer space and also from up to 25 miles under the ground. This is due to the fact that the inhabitants of the town forgot that they are 30 miles from the nearest seaside when they started to build the pier. Sadly at the time there was a major dispute going on with the Lancashire seaside towns of Southport, Blackpool and the like owing to the unfortunate disappearance of these towns donkies and an innovative new pie sensation in Wigan at the time, the crusty eeyore has long since slipped into oblivion as the hooves were considered 'a bit crunchy'.

Wigan pier actually deposits the lucky traveller on the seafront at Southend, (obviously Lucky is a term used very loosely in this sense unless you enjoy the smell of London's effluent)

Local Government

Current mayor of Wigan, Uncle Joe

Wigan is governed by the Mint Ball Party, of which an individual known only as Uncle Joe has been the leader since its foundation. The party came into power in 2001 when they were elected to the Supreme Soviet ahead of the Free Pies for all party. There has, however, been some controversy in recent times, with claims that the group bribed potential voters with jars of Mint Balls in order to get into power. Although this has been rigorously denied by all members of the Mint Ball Party, sticky substances found on voting slips and the unexplained minty aroma which they carry has been attributed to this by many critics.

People

Along with various Pie Eating champions, Wigan boasts of its own new celebrity - Dirty Harry. (Also known as shitty pants) Whilst his other aliases include 'Slobberdom' and 'Mummy why is that man getting nearer', Dirty Harry is well known throughout the borough. Dirty Harry can be found on all forms of public transport, and often outside the JJB Stadium. If you believe you've spotted Dirty Harry, be sure not to mistake him for one of his thousands of impersonators. Here are some vital characteristics:

- Large - The real Harry takes up twice as much space as any other plebian.


- Stench - If you're a kind of guy who carries around a pet budgie and it's suddenly died, Dirty harry's around


- Language - Can you hear undescipherable rantings? You've got yourself a Harry!


- Food - Dirty Harry usually leaves a trace of pie remains wherever he goes, perfect for any budding Harry spotters to get their first glimpse at the famed beast.

Other famous wigganers include "Soapy the lovebale pisshead" and "Dirty Jane" often seen asking smokers for "a toke on their five skinner"

Culture

One of Wigan's main cultural differences from the rest of the world is "Pie-barms" this very rare delacacy is infact a steak pie, on a barm cake (a failed bread that looks like a faild cake).

language

Wigan has developed it's own language, proving more difficult to interpret than double-dutch mixed with swahilli being spoken by a retard with a blocked nose, as it sometimes confused with "Baby-drabble" The word "the" is usually fused into the beginging of a word. as of now, this will be known as "Fused-prefix", also the end of some words will be removed as most wiganers are lazy (I know this as I am from wigan). A "y" is usually pronounced as "eh", as "s" is "zZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzZzZzzZzZzZzZzzzZzZzZ". Some basic "Wiganese"

Toreet - hello

thospical - the hospital

mam - mum

ney - no

Wiggin - wigan

BuzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzzZZzZzZzZzZzZzZzzzzZZzZzZzZZzZzZzzZzZzZzZzZzZZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzzZ - bus

fuuhhh - fuck

shiihhh - shit

robots - traffic lights

bwuhm-bwuhm - car

bihg worm - snake

Go Sniff - no way

shiza - Shit


wantfa gotfa shup? - want to go to the shop

8========B O: - blowjob luv?

fucking Knock on! - brain noble getting laid

Offside!- brian noble ejaculating ^Sam Vivers is not amused^

yeah baby you like that - brian noble having his dinner

cheez'nd'honyon packehh - condom (although many people from the country of wigan have never heard of a condom, as wigan holds the world reccord for 12 year old mothers at an astounding 98% of all 12 year old girls are infact pregnant in wigan, the other 2% are either dead or infertile.) FACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Places

there are few places in wigan to go, but, the actual Homosexual Headquarters of the universe is in Wigan, It is also know as the "Grand arcade" (the GA). It shows its homosexuallity by using its primary colours as pink and white, and the Logo contains a heart in the "A". inside you will see many shops; HMV, Topshop, JJB and Waterstones book shop. HMV being the only worthwhile to enter, it also has its own, indian run, corner shop (although it isn't situatated in a corner, and the guy running it is infact from manchester). You can easily tell who the people who work in the GA are, they usually are bald and slightly fat and old, wear a black suit, with an extremely potent homoerotically pink tie. The security of the GA feed upon the naked anus's of scenekids who are always shop lifting from HIV/HMV or Topshop/Topman, or those who dare wish to use the public toilets, in wigan, using the public toilets in the GA is punishable by death. The GA security guards worst enemy is infact the security guards from "Marketgate" and "The Gallories" as they wear a much supirior green uniform, and on many occasions vist amsterdam and bring back lots of "WEED" and sell to scenekids at an alarmingly high price of 20p/45 cents for 10oz.


Another worthwhile place to visit is "The Marble". The marble is a very interesting place to be, as it has "Goffs". There are many people on the marble who are considered "Goffs", but are infact just more metal than Your Mum (read: lie).

The Marble has on many accounts been attacked by various social groups. A group of old people from a church attempted to rid the "Evil" spirits (also known as metalheads), this failed as the "goffs" either; death growled or sat on the wall and looked quite amused at the old people. The marble is still continuously under siege by a foreign force known only as... "euro-market", This devastating event happens every month, and brings thousands of french people near the marble that try to sell all sorts of strange cheeses. The "Goffs" easily combat this force, with the smell of the "circle pit" or the smell of bleeding scene kids.

The evil "Goffs" also make a pilgramage to the holy land known as "Caff" on a Thursday night where they enjoy a light spot of golf. Thursday night "Caff" has now become the defacto Mecca for these "Goffs" and they delight in going to see their messiah "John Fishwick" the "Caff" barman every Thursday night. When they are not shaking their heads violently to rather loud and annoying music, or staring at you and hurling abuse at the marble, they are usually practising their mating rituals on the pasture known as "wigan (Mesnes - pronounced 'mains' because we suck) park". Here the males mate with their female counterpart. As they regain there energy by drinking many litres of the cheapest cider which can be bought from the local "never growing up goff" they cool down with a spot of anal sex with their secret boyfriend.

Marble Goffs do shit all and they just stand, sit or walk around the Marble because, you know, they're contemplating on how bad life is for them. Male visitors to the marble often report of twelve year old goffs asking "Will you meet my mate?" or "Are you bi" or "Hello random person! Can I hug you" The Home office suggests that if apporached by one of these liccul goffs, your best plan of action is to run, or cunningly act like a chav in an attempt to scare them away.

Some people have been reported to enter the marble, and never leave. The goffs just take them. In December 2007 the RSPCA made an appeal to rescue these poor souls, but this failed due to the fact that no one cares.

As of December 2008, the marble "Goffs" have been struck down with a some what "peculiar disease". Top "Goff" scientists call this disease "My Chemical Cysitius". The sexually transmitted infection compels the carrier to listen to the "Scene" band My Chemical Romance over and over again until the sufferers head explodes. The local council have been agressivly infecting the "Goffs" with support from local businesses and residents to rid the town of this plague of "Goffs" forever. The RSPCA has noted that only 3 mating pairs remain in the wild and this species of "Goff" should be extinct by easter 2009.

Sports and Entertainment

Previously famous for its Cricket Team, the Wigan Dicknots, they have now (2005-2006) entered the FA Premier League with their Rugby Football Tennis Team Wigan RFLC (Royal Funky Looking Club).In 1988 Wigan rugby invaded Wembley and held on to it for eight years before leaving because they ran out of pies but it didn't matter because st helens are shit

Gladiatorial Games have also made a recent welcome return to the Wigan "AdidasReebok" Stadium. Recent bad results for the rugby team and subsequent likely relegation have resulted in their request to the Super League to change their name to "Wigan Worriers"

The biggest music export from Wigan is the teen doomster sproggit makeathons Samuel Sharp, who play music and put nights on in Wigan where no one turns up (not even the band themselves) because they're all watching the ice hockey.

Wigan's most famous resident is George Formby, he is currently employed at a local supermarket operating the cardboard crushing machine, but he was once the most highly paid entertainer in the world (he earned £16/10/6 a week). George appeared in many comedy films in the 1930's (including Silence of the Lambs), but most of his work was playing the banjolele (a hybrid instrument created through genetic meddling in the 1910's) and singing comedic songs such as the ever popular When I'm Cleaning Windows. George's domineering wife, Beryl, died in 1960 but still pesters him to fix the leaky radiator in the spare bedroom.

Other residents include the Edwards pie man, That guy who was in the Wigan Observer once, a tramp with a big beard and rastafarian hat, some druggy who runs through the town centre shouting "Oi" and some smack head who asks "Ere, mate, do ya ave 40p you can lend mi fot buzzzz".

Places of Interest


Ancient Palatine of Lancashire
Formby.jpg Lancaster | Blackburn | Burnley | Padiham | Liverpool | St Helens | Wigan | Billinge

Preston | Manchester | Salford | Blackpool | Rochdale | Stockport
Darwen | Bolton | Denshaw | The Pennines | Lanky Twang
George Formby | Christopher Eccleston | Narnia | Ashton-In-Makerfield

Blackpudding.jpg