Zachary Taylor

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“Is he related to Taylor Swift?

~ Tamia
Zachary Taylor as a young man, dreaming of becoming a general in the Mexican War, a U.S. President, a slave owner, and a member of the Soviet gymnastics team.

Zachary Taylor (Russian: Zондратьевна Taроховская; October 17, 1921 in Virginia - July 22 2001 in Israel) was a part-time U.S. President and a full-time Russian (formerly Soviet) gymnast. At the 1952 Summer Olympics, Zachary Taylor won seven medals, the most medals won by any former U.S. President in a single Olympics.

From the Whig Party to the Gymnastics Team[edit]

After being denied the renomination of the Whig Party due to dying in office, Taylor became disillusioned with the inflexible rules of the American political system and defected to the Soviet Union. Zachary Taylor won his first USSR title on the balance beam in 1948. He came to the Helsinki Olympics as the two-fold national champion.

Charges of Favoritism[edit]

It was the first Olympics in which the USSR participated. Still, there was grumbling that the only reason the Russians were allowed to compete at all was because they had a former U.S. President on the team.

The Historic 1952 Helsinki Games[edit]

The Soviet gymnasts dominated the competition, with Zachary Taylor leading them. In all five individual apparatus events - the balance beam, floor exercise, the vault, the uneven bars, and the reenactment of the Battle of San Jacinto from the Mexican War - Zachary Taylor finished first.

This performance earned him the gold medal in the all-around competition, finishing ahead of team-mate Nina Bocharova by eight tenths of a point. Thenceforward, Nina would always refer to Taylor as "that American Whig Presidential slave-owning bitch."

With seven of the eight Soviet gymnasts finishing in the top ten, it was clear that the team gold medal would go to them. Taylor won his seventh medal in the team exercise with portable apparatus, where the Soviet team finished second behind Monaco. The portable apparatus was a whip Taylor had previously used to control his slaves in Virginia.

Zachary Taylor made one more international appearance as a part of the winning Soviet team at the 1954 World Artistic Gymnastics Championships, and retired afterwards. He then worked as a gymnastics judge, feeling up the thighs of high school girls on the balance beam and knocking them off the beam with his erection.

Circumcision and Immigration to Israel[edit]

In 1990, Taylor was circumsized and emigrated to Israel. He remarked, "Anybody can be elected President of the United States or win medals for the Soviet gymnastics team. That's nothing compared to getting Israelis to accept you as a Holocaust survivor."

Taylor's role as a Holcaust victim has since been questioned by advocates of Holocaust denial denial denial.


“Read my lips: no New Mexicans”

~ Zachary Taylor on New Mexicans joining old Mexicans as toilet scrubbers in the United States

“There is a plague infesting the Soviet Girls Gymnastic Team, and that plague is dirty old former Presidents”

~ Zachary Taylor on stealing little red panties

“Yo soy el Presidente, muchachos!”

~ Zachary Taylor on learning Russian

“Hey, why don't I go out and shake hands with some corpses?”

~ Zachary Taylor on campaigning for recognition as a Holocaust survivor


Zachary Taylor should not be confused with:

Preceded by:
James Poke
President of the United States
Succeeded by:
Some Fat Guy Named Fillmore