'arry 'artford

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

'arry 'artford was First Prime Minister of Mediocre Britain.


Life before Office[edit]

Born in 1578, and again in 1582, and one last time in 1603, 'arry 'artford knew he was destined for relative greatness in his life and tried to put it off as long as possible. However, there was no escaping destiny for 'arry, especially as he owed it money, and one day, he stumbled into power. In 1626, a group of bored Mediocre Britains decided it might be fun to have a parliament, like in Great Britain. Realizing that they'd need a Prime Minister for this, the group was temporarily stymied, until Will Stiggs, future Minister of the Exchequer, said, "Oy! 'Ow 'bout 'arry 'artford? He's a rum bloke!" This stirring recommendation caused the group to seek out 'arry, then working as a butcher in a local slaughterhouse, and offer him the plum position. 'Arry thought it over, scratched himself, and in his immortal "Well, it's got to beat muckin' about here, don't it?" speech, accepted the nomination.

Life as Prime Minister[edit]

'Arry's first act as Prime Minister was to declare the people who nominated him his Parliament, along with his family, several friends, his pet cat Snookums, and local tavern owner Jack Watt, who had always extended 'arry a generous line of credit. His second act was to declare his former employer, Barthlomew Higgens, an enemy of the land, and promptly had Reg Stubbins, Minister of Defense, and Stu Nym, Minister of the Navy, assist him in dragging Mr. Higgens out of the slaughterhouse, tying him to a post, and giving the man a sound thrashing. This was the beginning of many glorious acts of his administration, followed by such advances in laws as the "Mucking Up of No-Good Buggers Who Don't Know Bugger-All" Act, the "Kicking the Shite Out of Cheapass Bastards Who Won't Give an Honest Man Enough Credit for a Pint" Act, and the revolutionary "Pay Us Money or We Beat the Piss Outta You" Act. This last act brought the Parliament to the attention of King Willy III, who felt that Parliament was not only doing him a disfavor by existing without consulting him on the manner, but that it was starting to seize rights that had always traditionally been the king's. Sending his troops out against them, he was startled when they fought back, and immediately surrendered, giving Parliament his recognition and approval, as well as giving its members free access to his daughters.


'Arry continued to rule in his lovably arbitrary and ruthless manner until his death in 1684, caused by his attempting to injest a goat on a dare, and then after it, due to a gypsy curse, which transformed the politician into a zombie. Since then 'Arry has continued to lead what is now the Vicious Motherfucker party of Mediocre Britain, and remained firmly in power as Prime Minister, as he remains undefeated in the no-holds-barred wrestling match that would be required to remove him from office.