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“Wake me up when it's not 1910”
“Nineteen, Nineteen, Nineteen Eighty-Five!”
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1910AD to 1926AD.
- Noom collides with the Earth after much brooding and plotting. He fails to make an impact but nobody cares.
- Benedict Arnold Carver accepts an offer from Kaiser Wilhelm II to become the senior evil scientist of Germany. This appointment later leads to a long standing feud between Benedict Carver and leading German scientist, Count Zeppelin who had been passed over for Carver.
- Grongilax, a highly popular product introduced in 1901, is withdrawn from the market by Amalgamated Poxololeum after it was discovered its side effects included to cause death and the sniffles.
- Simon Connors changes his name to Ron Burgundy as it seems more catchy.
- John Cleese is elected British Home Secretary.
- William Howard Taft bloats to his maximum size of 300 tons, divides into two smaller Tafts.
- Darth Vader is voted "Pope of the Year" by the Galactic Empire Today for the first time. He will later win again in 1977.
- The Thesaurus is discovered in Oxford by Winston Churchill.
- Charles Nelson Reilly is born.
- January 1 - Dale Crover of The Melvins is born and defeats Charlie Chaplin in a drum solo battle.
- May 16 - In response to recent civil unrest the U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the following week.
- December 6 - the puzzle potato was nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder from Lester B. Pearson's flaxen wool-works store. The event was made into hit a movie starring Gary Coleman as Winona Ryder.
- Los Angeles founded by Mexican revolutionists who came not to steal from gringos at all.
- Loretta B. Peerson publishes a memoir. No one gives a crap.
Contrary to popular belief, the year of 1911 did not in fact occur between the years 1910 and 1912. Due to a strange and elusive property of base ten numbering systems, the number 1911 in fact comes between 2394 and 2395. So that's why in science fiction films, characters are often dressed in styles pertaining to that period of time.
- When the end of 1910 came about and this phenomenon was discovered (as all calendars and timepieces worldwide suddenly said 1912), the leaders of the major world powers and Canada got together and determined that they had to "make a whole bunch of shit up", to quote a fugitive Oscar Wilde, who was also at the meeting. This meeting gave us the currently accepted history of what would have happened in that year, had it come as humans were expecting.
- What will actually happen in the year 1911, some 390 years in the future, has been be prophesized by many, but not Nostradamus, who said the whole thing was just really fucked up. Most say the world will end with the Wrath of Grapes or Dill Pickle Doritos. And most of these predictions are horrible failures, according to the Oscar Wilde who had...or will...or something...used a time loop to write down what happened at the meeting before it happened. According to our Wilde, however, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
- Uganda disappeared for the whole year and could not be smelt. It reappeared next year, though.
- Who the hell writes shit like that? That's not funny in the least.
- Well in fact the class is over.
- The Titanic did the hokey pokey and time traveled to 1932, but encountered Jesus, whereupon it got lost in outer space. The Unstinkable Molly Brown offered no comment (or commitment) whatsoever. The disappearance of the ship was blamed on The Snorks.
- Jesus returned, but was distracted by something shiny until 1932. Thus the end of the world was delayed until said shiny object was put down.
- Former president Theodore Roosevelt ran on a third party ticket, the "Bull Shit Moose Chili" party. He failed to win back the oval office on a third term. That was up to his nephew Franklin Delano Roosevelt to go for four!
- Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little. It was so good that no one listens to it anymore.
- Stavilowognrephisch Mekinshexkvinozik was eaten by a dragon for breakfast. Soon after the dragon died of a strange tounge-twister-itis. His body was flushed through Queen Mary IVIII (R) TM 's toilet.
- The first fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
- Large portions of Thailand and Mongolia were surrounded to Empress Gabor by the 1913 Treaty Of Waffle House.
- Klaus Sanatschen (Santa Claus) was murdered by his Elves on December 24th. To celebrate, the Elves enjoyed the traditional meal of cookies and milk.
- Mae West, Vaudeville and all around luscious woman gains legitimate employment as a lab worker in the practice of a Urologist when she can state "You look like a fine specimin" without fear of reprisal.
- William Shakespeare travels to this year to get George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, along with his German cousin, William Hohenzollern, to write a sequel to Shakespeare's play, "The Merry Wives of Windsor." Shakespeare tells Mr. Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to start dating Barbara Windsor, and to change his last name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor. Thus, "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" was born. However, Windsor and Hohenzollern could not decide on a topic. A year later, the two got into a fight over the subject matter of the play. Windsor had more friends on his side, and won the fight. He later said that Hohenzollern could not fight again.
1914 is generally recognized by professional historians as the Year Everything Went to Shit. This was the end of the Belle Epoque (translation: "Epoch of Sexy Babes") and the beginning of the 20th Century Apocalypse, or Age of Barbarianism.
Barbra Tuchman, in her book, August, 1914 (which was originally part 8 of a twelve-volume series) she explains it succintly, using her trademark colloquialisms, in the opening pages of the first chapter:
"Damn, shit was whack. Tha Serbs was all up in Austria's shit 'bout independence, Germany was frontin' like she was some sorta straight-up world powa, France was frontin' like she was gonna knock the Kaiser's teeth out, and Russia was too stoned on that vodka to give a rat's ass. Europe was like a club where a drug deal's goin down and the cops know about it. Shit's about to go down, and everybody in tha club knows it. Alls they can do is either pull out they nine or curl up in the corner like a little bitch, y'heard?"
That guy who keeps cutting in front of you in the movies is born. After realizing his purpose in life he keeps tormenting people by cutting in front of them and indimidates them by kicking you in the shins and hitting on your girlfreind knowing that you cannot fight back because he can kick your ass.
The Austrian Indie Rock International Melee (aka World War I)
The big problem in 1914 was that European countries didn't take their Zoloft. The result wasn't pretty. On June 28, 1914, Austrian Indie rockers Franz Ferdinand left their hotel in Belgrade to play a 'Serbian Independence Benefit' concert (concerts which were common among avant-garde indie musicians of there period). Someone, presumed to be an Austrian secret agent, found them and followed them through corridors and factories as they traveled to the show, at a simple venue in downtown Belgrade known only as 'The Matinee'. The killer found them in the Matinee, the dark of the Matinee, and all of Franz Ferdinand (as well as half the audience) was taken out by a fire bomb that killed the entire band in the initial blast but also set the building aflame. A firefighter dispatched to The Matinee was heard to comment, "This fire is out of control." to which others responded "It's gonna burn this city." Thankfully, the damage to other buildings was minimal, though 'The Matinee' iteslf burned away to the point only forty feet remained. Of what, no one knows.
News of the deaths spread quickly, causing much shock and outrage among both fans of the band and independence activists. The Kaiser had remarked months earlier that the next European war would be fought over 'some damn foolish alt-rock band in the Balkans'. As it turned out, the Kaiser was eerily accurate.
The Chief Kaiser's other prediction that there would be a "riot" as everyday he would be loved less and less was also eerily accurate following the Sailors rioting that ended the war in 1918 and forced the Kaiser to abdicate his throne.
Germany Gets This Party Started
Germany promptly declared war on Serbia when Serbian officials openly criticized Rammstein, and Austria was not far behind when a group of Serbian teenagers formed a Franz Ferdinand cover band. Serbia was promptly terminated by Austria, in particular the famed Bodybuilder's Brigade, which overpowered enemy troops by sheer testosterone overdose. Russia also pulled some crazy shit in East Prussia and got their ass handed to them.
German Super Heroes, most notably the Fantastic 4, were a key force in the early battles against French soldiers, and were largely responsible for the victories (such as the Battle of the Frontiers) that drove the French back almost to the brink of defeat. At the brink of defeat the Frenchmen felt at home and comfortable, and they turned around at the Marne and forced the Germans back. After that things pretty much settled into a rhythm. Everybody dug trenches and hurled crap at each other until everyone felt sick of it (and long afterwards). The nonsense would last for years, as entire cities were built for the sole purpose of fighting the yobs across the border.
Everything Else that Happened in 1914
- 3000 US Marines took a year-long spring break trip to Veracruz.
- Twins King Kong and Donkey Kong were born.
- In a moment of wartime panic, Erik Estrada is crowned Pope.
- Mother's Day was invented and patented immediately afterward.
- 1024 people died when a ship (the Titanic, of course) sank off the coast off Ireland due to faulty steam boilers. 768 manufacturers of steam boilers signed a new resolution improving quality-control standards in the industry. This is considered the birth of the so-called 1024 x 768 resolution.
- The capital of Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region of China was moved from Guilin to Nanning. The Guangxi Autonomous Warlord Association of the Wanking Emperor protested this move, saying that the warlord had no right to move the capital to an outhouse.
- Arthur Price is born in Liverpool, UK.
- World War XVII began as a result of Gavrilo Princip assassinating the Archduke of Austria Franz Ferdinand (who was not an Indie rock band), his wife Sophie, and Satan (Jesus II's cat). Like the 2008 Canadian election, nobody cared.
1915-The Year of the "Tiger vagina-man".
- Lord Kitchener sends 150,000 men to their deaths for no apparent reason.
- Starting in January and ending on the 34th march, there were a series of human men born with a Tiger Vagina.
- Located on the forehead, these Tiger Vaginas grew in size, so much in fact that the government set up a facility in Mississippi to contain these Men with abnormal 345 pound tiger vaginas. The scientists studying the Tiger Vagina-men did not realise it was a contagious disease.
- The government moved the facility to an American-owned Island about 108 miles off the coast of New York State.
- Eventually the disease evolved and became airborne in fact passing by ships. The Government realised the menace and nuked the Island and killed off the disease.
- Even though the Tiger Vagina-men should be gone from this earth, there have been sightings of a small group of them wandering in the mountains on the small island.
- Tammy Wynette, the talking zippo lighter of Kaiser Wilhelm, is seen for the last time before disappearing mysteriously.
- December 25 - Private Investigator Elmore Thompson is born in Tampa Bay, Florida.
- Tiny Tim is born, then born again a moment later.
- Strong Bad is incarnated.
- Under the Battle of Verdun, God was killed.
- Jesus invents Cherios under the name Count Choculla but was shortly staked by the PTA.
- The mixture of Mustard and ketchup causes the crash of the univsersal harddrive wiping out knowlege, intelligence, and common sense. This would later happen again in 1933.
- The Nobel Physics Prize is awarded to Kaiser Wilhelm II, for slipping the judges a fifty.
- 800 Fricken years, those English Bastards!
- March 20 - Albert Einstein publishes his flawed Theory of relativity.
- July 18 - Oscar Wilde invents his way out of a wet paper bag, much to his critics' chagrin.
- December - Herbert Henry Asquith and the Conservative Party are ousted from power and were replaced by Lloyd George and the now ruling Liberal Party. However, it is decided not to return John Cleese to a government position.
- The word damn is used the fist time by a young british soldier.
- Daylight Savings Time is invented by Time Traveling College Students.
- Time Travelers pushed Pres. Woodrow Wilson to declare war on Germany, however they failed to pursue him to get rid of every single German "kraut". They didn't want to anger Adolf Hitler 25 years later, who blamed the Jews for that one.
- January 17 - George Harrison becomes the nominal head of state of the USSR.
- March 14 - Yogi Berra joins the Bolshevik Party.
- April 6 - the USA declares war on germs.
- May 13 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the Marijuana they found growing there.
- May 1 - The Russians forget they are supposed to be fighting the Huns, and instead decide they should fight the government. They throw a bucket at the Wicked Tsar of the East and cause him to melt, whereupon a few revolutionaries start chanting "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"
- September 5 - Oswald Rabbit, first president of Disneyland, is born.
- September 8 - Daniel McGuinness, world-famous retard, born.
- September 25th - Trotsky invents the Marx-a-lot marker to unite the prolitariate.
- October-November - Lenin turns into The Incredible Bolshevik-man.
- November 8 - The Russian Empire resumes its conquest of the world.
- December 66 - Finland declares her independence.
- December 67 - Finland is extremely pissed off since no one seems to notice her independence.
- December 68-January 26 - Finland takes over Sweden. Sweden pretends to not notice and says "We let you win". Finland is angered. The Finnish government orders all citizens of Finland to commit suicide. Finland will be discovered by Oscar Wilde in 2089.
- The young Oscar Wilde, in a fit of pique, writes the Communist Manifesto on the men's room wall in a pub somewhere in Germany.
- Everyone in Germany gets drunk because of this. The French are puzzled as to why the other country appears to be giving up, rather than themselves.
- A de facto revolution takes place upon Franz Kafka, shortly after becoming President, turns into a giant insect, eating the Parliament of the Czech Republic, and disappearing forever in Candyspace. A clone of William Shakespeare then assumes leadership of the country, but not before he is violently processed into cooperation by the Secret Order of the Scientologists.
- Mickey Mouse the Great, future brutal dictator of Disneyland, is born on May 15.
- May 16 - Ringo Starr born, unfortunately.
- Spanish Influenza strikes worldwide...millions hurt and killed in the process...labor leaders try mediation but it maintains its grip on world's population until people simply stop supporting it.
- A woman is arrested in Salem, Massachusetts for showing her naked knee in public...Ministers call for her to be strapped to a wheel and sent down a hillside to see if she did it of her own accord, or if the Devil made her do it.
- Leonard Bernstein is born a second time.
- November 11 - World War I ends when Lu Bu kills all the German soldiers at Vimy Ridge. Germany gets depressed. A beaver bites a young Hitler's nose.
- Europeans got tired of fighting each other and turn to getting sick instead. Coughing and upchuck create the 20th Century's first international pollution hazard, as the upchuck contributes to Global Warming. The art of coughing and vomit make their way into foreplay and other hideous sexual activities.
- January 14 - Jesus signs a contract to play for the Cincinnati Reds, the team would later somewhat beat the Chicago White Sox for the World Series title. The whole series would be fixed.
“That's why I didn't join the White Sox, I hate the White Sox.”
- January 27 - The original Dennis the Menace convicts Michael Jackson of Child Molestation charges.
- February 14 - The bikini is invented by Chinese efficiency Gurus, trying to save money on materials.
- April 1 - Dogs and cats are invented by a young scientist named Wendy CatDog.
- April 5 - The Nobel Prize for Gibbon Hunting is awarded to an anonymous Oscar Wilde.
- April 8 - Macromedia Flash 1.0 is first released. The result is the Spanish Influenza Pandemic, millions die.
- May 4 - The Ant Hill Mob becomes a registered crime syndicate at the Bureau of Federal Anarchists.
- May 5- Walt Disney makes a bunch of Random cartoons in Flash, then dies when he eats 4kg of chocolate in one sitting.
- June 28 - The League of Nations is formed as the first global goverment, in which by then, most people aleady wanted it to be destroyed, just like its successor.
- July 25 - AOL invents SPAM email.
- September - Red scare in America, commies were everywhere.
- October - The men in white hoods put away the red scare, after that they went to put away the black scare.
- December 27 - Leonard Cohen is born.
The second half of the 20s (still pronounced "twenties", even towards the end of the decade) revelled in the emergence of the flapper - young ladies with fashionably short haircuts who had their knees replaced with universal joints to as to allow leg pointing through a 360 degree arc in all directions.
Also a perfect roll on a dice with 20 sides.
To say that 1920 was a year full of pestilence, famine and poor quality candyfloss would be a severe understatement. To say it was the 'bomb', a awesome roller-coaster of mind blowing events, and most definitely the best year in existence would obviously be a huge overstatement. In order to burn away this grandiosity that is a sad trait of many contemporary writers, careful deliberate dissection is needed.
So settle in readers, find your monocle, take a small sip out of your brandy glasses and tell your wife to bake some crumpets.
Before 1920 the world had been through a difficult time. The divorce of man and nature had been long and ugly and mans latest mistress, the industrial revolution, had turned out not to be the submissive japanese schoolgirl man dreamed of. Instead man was locked in an awkward foxtrot with the school mistress, all 180 pounds of man-hating, whip-wielding, bearded feminazi. Belching out putrid smoke, forcing large families to live in cardboard boxes, biting heads off innocent seals, inventing communism and eroding the class divides were just some of the atrocities of this period.
Man and his sidekick Civilization were certainly without a paddle, and with power being quickly vested in the masses of illiterate fools, something desperate had to be done. 'We need a plan with balls' said Man, 'definitely balls, one that will donkey punch the lower classes and the revolution back to last century'. But the Eton and Oxford schooling failed them at this most crucial moment, and all they could do was organise a game of polo followed by a 13 course meal, a game of a whist and a shag of the maid. The decline of society continued with little resistance ...
So the situation looks bleak. Everyone is covered with a layer of coal dust and communism is 'cool' with young urban socialites. Man and Civilisation are dead drunk and have run out of snuff. Their meager possessions consist of 2 ponies, 14 pheasants, 1 maid, half a large testicle, a half used cigar, a mansion worth 4 pounds 5 shillings 3 pence and the blueprints of a utopian society. Yes, things were not good at all.
But over the course of 1920 a small but significant shift in society would occur. A plan would be formed. A plan with balls. A plan that would make heroes of men, middle class whingers of commoners and put the women's liberation movement back 60 years. Oh well, you can't make an omlete without breaking eggs. Unless you're a vegan, in which case you may have to make up another analogy. How about: You can't make tofu without crushing soybeans? You can? Really? Damn. Well, you get the idea anyway.
In early January, Civilisation and Man woke up from their moderate hangovers and felt the inevitable grip of middle age crisis. Desires for red sports cars,breast implants and younger attractive women swept over them and they were forced to eat a wheel of brie to calm down.
- It doesn't turn out to be a good year for Tommy.
- Shampoo is invented. See The Worldwide Programmer Shortage
- Eeyore is given to Christopher Robin as a birthday present.
- "Romancing the stone," and "The quest for the sacred jewel." are written and published on March 20th of this year.
- Neccopolis becomes the capital city of Pennsylvania after the former capital Harrisburg secedes from the United States.
- Crimelord Howard the Duck joins forces with the Ant Hill Mob.
- January 7 - Adolf Hitler is not born.
- January 30 - The first woman known to smoke in public is deemed as the harbinger of doom by moralists (i.e. sexist men).
- February 4 - Gerbil Tennis originates.
- February 11 - The Gameboy is developed and released to the public, who all hate it.
- February 17 - A missile crashes into west Russia. Russia retaliates by virtually nuking the world into oblivion. The world regenerates.
- February 17, later that evening - Russia nukes the world into oblivion. The world regenerates again.
- February 18 - Everyone wonders, "What happened?".
- February 19 - David Beckham born.
- March 20 - InuYasha premieres on Japanese radio.
- April 2 - The Moon crashes into earth.
- April 13- Aristotle finds out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. No one cares.
- April 25 - The 6th planet Vulcan spontaneously explodes, and the government covers it up.
- April 27 - Saturn crashes into Neptune, but the government makes another Saturn so that the people won't notice.
- August 15 - Hermann Goering eats all the schnitzel in Bavaria, leading to the Great Schnitzel shortage of 1942.
- September 9 - The potato is invented by Ash Ketchum.
- November 1 - Turkey (now the Ottoman Empire) is abolished.
- November 15 - People enjoy some tasty Ottoman Empire with their cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving.
- December 31 - The Travman is born.
- The Human Race was first held in Narnia for the first time.
- Notable philanthropic character, Adolph Hitler was born.
- Dr. No discovers tentacles.
- The Thirty Year Law, later known as the Thirty Year Rule, is created by the British government.
- The exponential constant of the number 7 is estimated by mathematicians to be valued at 7.00132.
- February 29 - Oscar Wilde finally comes out of hiding and declares his resumption of all pederastic activities; nobody cares.
- February 30 - Hertziaustrovakia declares its independence from the Ottoman Empire.
- The number 21 was introduced by the UK Government in order to stop 23 being 5 plus 17.
- Death of Sir Corinthian Leather, inventor of the Synthitar.
- U.S. government passes "racist" immigration restriction act, when most Jews couldn't leave Europe for the next 30 or 40 years. If every single Jew left Germany or Russia by now, we wouldn't have the Holocaust or the state of Israel, nor we have the cold war and the war on terror. Thanks a lot, anti-Semitic white racists in the US capital in 1924.
- Dorothy Parker's first major work of literature, an homage to the Flapper Nation entitled Bernice Bobs Her Pubic Hair is released to the public. F. Scott Fitzgerald finds Parker's piece to his liking, but is rebuffed by Parker who remarks that "Fitzgerald's fatal flaw is that he keeps a woman waiting, and then comes too soon."
- The best thing to ever happen to Russia happens and Stalin becomes dictator instituting a massive wave of Stalinization.
- First woman known to wear slacks in public is arrested for crimes against the state and thrown in the woman's dungeon.
- Scandal rocks the world of tennis as officials of the PTA Tour order drug testing for its roster. Nearly all the players are revealed to be using Vitamin X-Up-Up-Triangle.
- Sergei Eisenstein's silent film Battlestar Potemkin is released.
- The chocolate condom is invented, in a sheer stroke of genius, by Oscar Wilde.
- May 5 - Teacher John Scopes is ordered to cease teaching Tenneesee students elecution and instead forced to teach the theory of evolution.
- June 8 - Tom Jones is born.
- Autobahns are secretly annexed by Hitler. They will later be claimed to be invented by him and not by its original inventor Al Gore.
- February 666 - Paul Newman dies.
- Most random year in the history of the world.
- Jerome K Jerome's non-fiction book Your Life and My Times is published.
- Yogi Berra becomes head of the Georgia OGPU.
- Baker Einstein finds a formula to computers run the command Control C, Control V.
- Oscar Wilde tracks down Jerome K Jerome and beats the living crap out of him for being such a tight-wad schmuck.
- April 1st occurs for the first time since 4000 BC.
- The KKK came in and lynched the Pagans. Then its' off to lynch them Negroes, Jews and Catholics.
- microsoft sam is born (who the fuck is she?).
- The Spring shoe Was Invented by the Mossad against Giraffes Spys.
- The Great New York Automobile Riot of 1926 takes place, in which Model Ts assert that Cadillacs, Buicks, and Lincolns are racist. The riot is put down by a squadron of Fifth Avenue double-deck buses.