1982 GMC Custom Van

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Promotional Photo of the 1982 GMC Custom Van

The 1982 GMC Custom Van was an exclusive option, offered only to angry black people who fought Rocky Balboa. Specifically Mr. T.


The general idea was to create the ultimate van, but without exceeding a project budget of $23.49. This feat was accomplished by the use of sand and synthetic Chinese torsos. However, GM was later involved in a lawsuit resulting from this decision. The prototype was unveiled in September, 1980.

Production[edit]

Over 22 examples of the van were produced in a 5-month period in 1981. However, only three were sold. One to Mr. T, the other to Apollo Creed. The third was unaccounted for, but it is rumored to have been stolen by Jimmy Page. The other nineteen were sold for scrap metal in New Jersey.

Performance[edit]

With a quarter mile time of .5 Seconds, the GMC Custom Van is the fastest production automobile ever created. A 0-60 time of .03 seconds, and a top speed of 900000000000000 Miles per hour. Horsepower figures were unmeasurable, as the Oldsmobile diesel engines used in the vans actually destroyed both dyno's and calculators once they came within forty feet of them. Therefore, it remains a legend in Van history.

Racing History[edit]

1982 Lemans, note the death and destruction in the Van's path.

The 1982 GMC Custom van left behind a rather measurable racing history. With the first attempt being in the 1983 European National Trans Am, with the winner being Custom Van production number 17, driven by Apollo Creed, whom was killed in a car crash during the race by James Bond. However, the van managed to reassemble itself, and continue the race without a driver. A tribute to the pure genius engineering of the vehicle, which, along with other "incidents", later led to the ultimate and untimely destruction of its mechanical species.

Later, in August of 1983, Van #8 competed in the Le Mans racing event, driven by Jason Statham. During the race, the Van gained sentience, assembled several machine guns which it then attached to its own quarter panels, and destroyed the competition. However, it did not break any rules or regulations in the process. Deemed too dangerous to live, it was later put down, and crushed along with the other 19 vans owned by the General Motors corporation to protect humanity from the Rise of the Vans.

Today[edit]

Only Mr. T's van exists. It is on display at the Smithsonian Museum alongside other notable excerpts in automotive history.

See Also[edit]