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1992 Anonymously Drunk was sometime between the Gulf War and the Animainacs premiere. It began on a Wednesday, meaning it was the first "National Hump the Drunk Day" since 1986. Not only that but 1992 was the first leapfrog year since 1988. On November 24, Elizabeth II deemed the year Anus Horribilis which, according to her, means "horrible year", but my six year old cousin (who informed me that Santa Claus was actually Jewish) said it means "ugly butt".
Events of 1992
- January 1 - Everybody is drunk and making babies! Except that one guy... He was drunk and shaking babies.
- January 8 - George H. W. Bush becomes the first U.S. President televised vomiting into the lap of Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa and fainting. You can imagine why Bush's head was in the PM's lap, I'm sure.
- January 11 - Nirvana establishes the widespread popularity of the Grunge movement of the 1990s. Because not bathing and wearing flannel shows you're so rebellious! Not really. It just shows you're a lumberjack. Don't worry, though, the grunge kids will be replaced by something even more pathetic in the future.
- January 12 - The computer HAL 9000 becomes operational. (Flash-forward to 2001 if you want to know what happened!)
- January 13 - Japan forces Korean women into sexual slavery much like they did during World War II.
- January 15 - Yugoslavia breaks up. Slovenia releases its first solo album, but it fails to garner much public appeal, despite several great reviews by music critics.
- January 22 - A Canadian woman goes to space, making space lame. Damn you, Canada!
- January 26 - Boris Yeltsin announces that Russia will blow up New Jersey with nuclear weapons if the Redskins win the Superbowl. Buffalo Bill throws the game for the second year in a row.
- January 27 - New Jersey is destroyed by an angry Boris Yeltsin. New Yorkers celebrate.
- February 7 - The Cabal creates the European Union.
- February 8 - The opening ceremony for the 1992 Winter Olympics is held in Albertville, France. Guess who cares.
- February 10 - In Indianapolis, Indiana, boxer Mike Tyson is raped or something.
- February 12 - Wayne's World is cancelled after just one episode when Wayne holds up a series of cards with phrases such as "Sphincter Boy" (pointing at the show's new sponsor - Vanderhoff) and "This man has no penis". Many regard the cancellation of the show as the beginning of the downfall of network television.
- February 17 - Jeffy, the annoying kid from down the street, is sentenced to life in prison.
- February 18 - The Iraq government tells the UNSC to grow some balls.
- February 20 - Something about soccer happened on this day, but America doesn't care. Cause soccer sucks.
- February 26 - Ireland lets teens travel to England to have abortions. The Pope gets angry.
- February 29 - The frogs invade the cities of man. Frog-stomping becomes popular for a full day.
- March 3 - Keanu Reeves eyes were declared "clinically dead".
- March 18 - Windows 3.1 is released by Microsoft. Do I really have to explain what went wrong this day?
- March 24 - A Chicago, Illinois, judge approves cash rebates of up to $3 to anyone who bought a Milli-Vanilli record ever. A scandal later broke out when it was discovered the judge was actually lip-syncing.
- April 1 - Billy Idol admits to punching a hooker in the face. Idol is fined and ordered to make public service announcements against prostitute abuse. A similar incident occurs in February 2009 when Vince "The ShamWow Guy" Shlomi punches a $3 whore.
- April 2 - In New York, the infamous Mafia boss John Gotti (or "The Diaper Don" as he liked to be called) is sentenced to life in prison for being "a true O-G."
- April 6 - Barney and accomplices begin melting both pothead's and children's brains through the television.
- April 12 - Disneyland Paris officially re-opens under the name "EuroDisney". It's still the least crowded amusement park in the world.
- April 13 - The Great Chicago Flood occurs. Shit is EVERYWHERE!!!
- April 19 – Benny Hill, British comedian and actor, dies. Comedy takes a major hit.
- April 29 - Rodney King is acquitted for attacking four white police, causing the 1992 Los Angeles riots which led to 53 deaths, $1 billion in damage, and Dr. Dre to record an album about marijuana which would be released later on in the year.
- April 30 - Bill Cosby was finally kicked off television, a good five years after he had been officially certified as "insane in the membrane".
- April 30 - In Los Angeles, California, Madonna's breasts are stolen. A $1,000 reward is offered for their return.
- May 5 - After 202 years of procrastinating, Alabama ratifies a proposed amendment to the United States Constitution making the 27th Amendment law. Congress gets pissed as it can no longer give itself pay-raises midterm.
- May 19 - In Massapequa, New York, Amy Fisher shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Hehehe, Buttafuoco.
- May 22 - After 30 years, Johnny Carson retires as host of NBC's Tonight Show. Comedy another takes a major hit.
- May 25 - Jay Leno becomes the new host of NBC's Tonight Show, following the retirement of Johnny Carson. Comedy is declared dead.
- June 3 - Four nuclear missiles are launched into the Pacific Ocean killing a dolphin. PeTA protests the dolphin's death.
- June 15 - During a spelling bee in the newly rebuilt Trenton, New Jersey elementary school, U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle forever changes the spelling of the word potato, indicating it should have an e at the end, cause he "likes E's a lot!!" Other words that were changed include: Fuck (to Fecke), Hitler (to Eh, itler) and Moo (to PURTYKITTEE!!!).
- June 19 - Batman Returns to the theatre where his parents had been killed years before. He fights the drunken Danny DeVito and a cat.
- Eh, nothing funny or interesting happened. Sorry.
- August - Sweden introduces a mandatory kindergarten system for all teenagers (aged 13-19).
- August - A Mortal Kombat begins. The first causality of the horrendous battle is John Cage on August 12.
- August 11 - The largest shopping mall in the US, Minnesota's Mall of America is constructed on 78 acres. Half of it is a Sears.
- August 18 - Jeffrey Phillips of Hoboken, New Jersey, finally understands the big deal about AC/DC.
- September 1992: The events describe in the 2004 documentary Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas occur.
- September 5 - Batman takes a break from fighting crime in the mean streets of Gotham to make a cartoon.
- September 6 - Some homeless guy is found dead in the Alaskan wilderness. The prime suspect in his death was Sarah Palin, but no charges were ever officially brought.
- September 27 - Brett Favre makes his first start for the Green Bay Packers, if ya catch my drift... Eh?! Funny, right? No? ... Fuck you!
- October 1 - Cartoon Network launches in America. After airing several Bugs Bunny cartoons (the first being Bohemian Rhapsody Rabbit), the network needed some new shows. They offered Space Ghost a talk-show to compete with Leno (who was still new to the late-night talk-show biz) and Letterman. Unfortunately, Space Ghost had to go through a 12-step sobriety program that took a year to complete before he was legally allowed to be on television. By this time, Leno had secured his audience, and Space Ghost never matched in the ratings. I know. Sad story.
- October 3 - Some lady nobody remembers anymore rips up a photo of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night Live, causing huge controversy, leading the switchboards at NBC to ring off the hook for the first time ever.
- October 9 - The sky falls down on some family's Chevrolet Malibu destroying it.
- October 12 - In the Dominican Republic, Pope John Paul II celebrates the 500th anniversary of the meeting of 2 cultures by forcing his religion on them once more.
- October 24 - The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series in 6 games, becoming the first Canadian team to win. Great! First they make space lame, now baseball!
- November 3 - 1992 U.S. presidential election: Bill Clinton defeats incumbent U.S. President George H. W. Bush and businessman Ross Perot. Hooray!
- After the death of Tails, Sonic the Hedgehog goes Super Saiyan and begins his epic fight with Frieza.
- November 24 - Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom describes this year as an Anus Horribilis (horrible year), due to various scandals damaging the image of the Royal Family, as well as the Windsor Castle fire. Chicago also agrees, due to the great sewage overflow from earlier in the year.
- December 9 - Prince Charles and Princess Diana publicly announce their separation.
- December 12 - Bush sent troops to Somalia as "peace-keepers" in their "kinder, gentler" mission in "nation-building".
- December 15 - Legendary hip-hop producer and rapper Dr. Dre releases his groundbreaking solo debut studio album The Chronic, which is regarded as the only positive thing about this whole year.
- Around Christmas - Macaulay Culkin goes to New York while the rest of his family goes to Miami. He gets arrested for ripping off a local Pizza Hut or something. Child services takes away the rest of Culkin's siblings due to his mother being an unfit parent. Also, Joe Pesci did something that got him arrested. Again.
Popular songs of 1992
As with most years, with the notable exception of 1980, 1992 had a list of popular songs. Here are some of the
best most memorable.
- "This Woman Has a Noticeably Large Gluteus Maximus" - Sir Mixx-A-Lott
- "I'm Have Quite A High Opinion Of My Looks (Too Sexy For My Cat)" - Right Said Fred
- "Fuck, It's the End Of The Road and my Mother is Drunk!" - Boys who dream of being men, but suffer from dwarfism
- "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Mike Myers and Chucky
- "Madam, you seem to have stolen the oxygen from this room" - Berlin
- "Here kid! Have Some Deodorant!" - Nirvana
- "Jump Around & Have A Heart Attack Like Whitey Ford" - House Of Palin
- "I Will Always Love You, Bobby, Even When You Hit Me" - Whitney Houston
- "November Rain (Or: I wish it would snow in Florida)" - Guns N Roses
- "I'll Be There Having Hot Sex With Jim" - Mariah Carey
- "Lithium, the Third Element" - Nirvana
- "Rump Shaker" - Wreckx-N-Effect
- "Baby Baby Baby, Who Is Your Daddy?" - TLC
- "Women shouldn't be trusted as many of them are quite Manipulative, and One of them gave me an STD" - Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg
As you can see, musicians in 1992 were quite... Original.
- January 19 - Shawn Johnson, American evildoer.
- March 9 - The kid who played George Lopez's son on that show.
- June 30 - Lynx and Lamb Gaede, twin American Neo-Nazi musicians (You should buy their albums.).
- July 12 - Eoghan Quigg, Irish singer.
- August 18 - The daughter of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love whom has yet to do anything notable.
- September 16 - Nick Jonas, superhero who goes by the name "Diabetes-Boy".
- November 23 - Miley Cyrus, more Neo-Nazi white trash and Disney star, best-known for her work with Chris Hansen catching pedophiles.
- April 5 - Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart and the guy responsible for the economic collapse of 2008.
- April 6 - Isaac Asimov, Russian-born robot lawyer and politician.
- April 19 - Benny Hill, awesome British guy, also the only honest politician since Adolf Hitler.
- May 6 - Marlene Dietrich, German-born American actress, singer, painter, oceanographer, backing dancer, stage manager, best boy, author, chef, soldier, chemist and personal assistant, most notable for e-inventing her image to keep up with the fickle world of acting, singing, painting, oceanographing, backing dancing, stage managing, being a best boy, writing books, cooking, fighting, making chemicals, and answering phone calls, all while doing the boss.
- May 12 - Mike Brady, father of the three boys of the Brady Bunch, therefore the way they felt about Marsha wasn't at all incestuous so quit claiming it was, dies of AIDS.
- May 17 - Lawrence Welk, American musician.
- May 25 - Comedy... DAMN YOU JAY LENO!!!
- August 12 - John Cage, American martial artist.
- September 12 - Norman Bates, cross-dressing serial killer.
- November 22 - Winnie the Pooh, bear.
- December 22 - Frederick William Franz, a member of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses and 4th President of Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society. Seriously.