United States presidential election, 2000
The U.S. Presidential Election of 2000 was one of the closest, friendliest, and most loving elections in United States history. Most parties even symbolically renamed themselves to go along with the mood. The two major presidential candidates were George "Bear Hug" Bush of the Republican Party and Al "Big Smile" Gore. Other candidates, such as Ralph "Firm Handshake" Nader of the Warm Fuzzy Green Party, were warmly invited to join in.
On Election Day, November 7, all of the candidates gathered for a round of hugging and watching reruns of Star Trek. Meanwhile, the rest of the country watched as the votes poured in.
Problems with election
The election hit a few snags. As voting closed, major news networks declared many races too close to call. In particular, the populous state of Montana, which held 42 votes in the electoral college, was too close to call. Election results released the next day gave Montana a difference of 10 votes in favor of Bush.
Of particular worry were the so called "butterfly ballots" used in Grand Falls, which tend to take flight of their own accord. Though able-bodied voters were generally able to catch their ballots, old ladies who watch The View were unable to catch their ballots. Because old ladies who watch The View tend to vote Democrat, there were worries that the election would be unfairly tilted toward Republicans and the other equally friendly parties.
An initial recount brought Gore in the lead by two votes. A second recount gave each other an exact 50-50 split. An unhealthy amount of tension gripped the country, causing a reduction in friendliness and constructive dialog.
Gore and Bush met together to resolve the voting problem. In a joint press conference after the meeting, both men declared an agreement. Gore would take the job as president, while Bush would become head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Environmentalist groups applauded the agreement, citing Bush’s excellent environmental record. The solution relieved tensions and started a new era in United States environmental policy.
General Election Campaign
Throughout the campaign, the general theme of most candidates’ campaigns was spreading kindness, friendship, and love throughout the world. The themes of the campaigns fostered the warm, friendly atmosphere that characterized the election.
The 2000 election pioneered the use of love ads, in which the candidate displays his or her ability to show signs of affections. Love ads have been shown to significantly improve voters’ view of the featured candidate, though all candidates benefited from the renewed confidence that spread throughout the nation. In one particularly memorable ad, Bush demonstrated his bear hug on a life size blow up Al Gore doll.
As usual, there were disagreements on how to spread happiness and kindness. New ground was broken on innovative ways to encourage national constructive dialog. In breaking with the traditional two party only debates, the debates of the election were open to all interested candidates. Besides Gore and Bush, several other candidates joined to accept questions from the general public, moderated by Jim Lehrer and Oscar Wilde.
In some cases, candidates truly disagreed with each other. One particularly difficult issue involved social security, the popular program that helps typically asocial groups such as nerds and geeks secure a social life. The issue was over whether to expand coverage to all people over twenty-one who live in their parents’ basements. Gore was afraid that such basement dwellers would stay in their social "lock box" without help, while Bush did not want further intrusion on citizens’ lives.
Protecting the rights of everyone to be gay and happy drew sharply contrasting views, though all sides were still kind and friendly to each other. Some, including Gore, urged protecting gayness and joy with laws discouraging nastiness toward celebrating people. Bush expressed his concern about possible violations of free speech, instead favoring a campaign led by Maria from West Side Story, who feels pretty, witty, and gay.
Unfortunately, some individuals and organizations did not join in on the friendly feeling that surrounded the election. Several incidents involved outbreaks of meanness, though in each case candidates joined together in constructive criticism of the people involved.
When MoveBack.com ran an attack ad falsely accusing Gore of mooning members of the US Senate, Nader and Bush joined together to provide constructive criticism to MoveBack.com. In a speech shortly after the ad ran, Bush urged MoveBack.com to cease running attack ads.
"The nice people over at MoveBack.com need to join in on the loving mood that is sweeping this great nation."
One candidate, Sam "Don’t Touch Me" Willie of the Nazi Party, accused Bush of smoking excessive amounts of marijuana during his college years. This time Gore came to the defense of Bush, gently reminding the nation that much of the college population smoked marijuana in the 60's. Gore also suggested that Sam "look into his own soul and rid himself of his anger towards his follow humans."
When Michelle Moron created a movie involving large amounts of nonconstructive criticism aimed at the Republican and Democrat party, Pat Buchanan suggested Michelle Moron join him for a nice chat over a cup of a cup of fair trade, home made latte. Michelle Moron is not to be confused with Michael Moore, who once won first place in a bear hugging contest, with Bush getting second place.
|Presidential Candidate||Party||Home State||Popular Vote||Electoral Vote||Running Mate||Running Mate's
|Al Gore||Loving Democrat Party||Oregon||51,384,008||48.36%||290||Zaphod Beeblebrox||Betelgeuse||290|
|George W. "Bear Hug" Bush||Kind Republican Party||Connectthedots||50,492,789||47.52%||248||Hamid Karzai||Clichéistan||248|
|Ralph Nader||Warm Fuzzy Green Party||Forest||4,028,303||3.8%||0||Smokey Bear||Forest||0|
|Needed to win||270||Needed to win||270|
- Admiral Ackbar
- Bob Drole
- Frank Delaware
- King Crayon
- Leonid Brezhnev
- Crad Kilodney
- John McCain
- George Papoon
- Dan Quayle (mistakenly ran for Pope)
- Lord Fitzgerald Sjoberg
- Quentin Burdick
- Didley Squat & Bubkis
Historians such as Al Franken have called the 2000 United States Presidential Election the greatest moment in United States democracy. The loving, friendly, and cooperative atmosphere that surrounded the election had never before been produced. Many people involved in the election look wistfully back on the days where the elections were close, attack ads were taboo, and love spread throughout the land.