24 (television show)
“DAMMIT, CHLOE, THERE'S NO TIME!!!!!”
|The following article occurs in real time.|
Jack Jadell-Gernome James IV is a character on the show 24. Jack's mission is to secretly deliver gay porn to the white house without getting caught. Along the way Jack encounters many issues with different countries who also want to purchase the gay porn. Now, it is up to Jack and his team of "Stars" to provide top quality porn to different organizations for a price cheaper then other groups.
The "Original" 24
24 is a lavish BBC costume drama set in the Eighteenth Century. It has garnered many industry awards, and critics praise its unhurried pace, serene beauty, and highly plausible storylines. Its wild popularity inspired Fox TV to remake it as a reality show. Unfortunately, the original 24 did not garner the same popularity the "remake" received.
24 is a British comedy that centeres around the life of Jack Bauer, a favourite of the queen. Kiefer Sutherland plays monied Yorkshire squire Jack Bauer, who is increasingly anxious to marry off his attractive daughter Kimberly so that she may have a protector against the Frenchman that has been stalking her for some years. The title refers to the twenty-four manly qualities which Jack looks for in a prospective husband for his beloved daughter. Jack is noted for his supreme compassion and kindness to everyone he meets, even if they are an enemy of his.
24' is the Western response to global jihad and Klingon incursions.
- Jack Bauer is an upperclass British noble. He is an unusually kind and gentle man. He is the queen's favorite at the beginning of the show, though his class slowly decreases as time goes on. He is renowned for his stupidity and ineptness. He often relies entirely on his manservant to get him out of whatever situation he has been put into, interrogating him for where the next banquet is happening. Renowned for his frequent uses of 'Golly Gosh!' and 'Son of a Mary, Queen of Scots!'.
- Tony Almeida is Jack's manservant. He died after choking on a piece of toast. He appears to Jack in dreams, often giving him useless information to delay him.
- Kim Bauer is Jack's daughter. A large portion of the show is spent watching Jack trying to marry her off to various other nobles. She is extremely intelligent, rivalling many geniuses of the time. She discovers Quantum Mechanics even before Newton discovered his physics. She was eaten by mountain lions in season 2. Twenty three episodes of the season were devoted to this storyline.
- Chloe O'Brian is a computer hacker, in a time where computers do not exist. This causes her some distress, and a personality disorder. She travelled back in time using a time machine created by modern-day CTU. She spends her time trying to hide this technology from others. Hilarity ensues.
- Edgar Stiles is Chloe's assistant, widely regarded as the most eloquent character in 24 history. He decided to marry Chloe in season 4 but realized that she was still married to Morris. Edgar dies after catching pneumonia from a shoe horn. Ironically, death improved his ability to speak clearly. Viewers faced a shock in season 6 when he rose from the dead, making it his eternal quest to get Chloe back from the mysterious Highway Man. He died 1 minute later.
- Lonnie McRae is the most popular character in 24 history. Widely regarded as a hero, Lonnie rescued Kim Bauer from, then fed her to Mountain Lions. The show was then moved to NBC and renamed the Office.
The Fox Remake
24 is FOX's hit reality show where a camera crew follows Jack Bauer and his friends and family for one day in LA. Interestingly enough, Jack lives one of the most extreme lives of anyone. For example, at any given moment, he could be attacked by gargantuan ninja pirates riding flaming sharks while milking a cow!
The plotline generally follows the following: one brown guy each season gets a nuclear weapon and/or tries to assassinate the president with plutonium-infused field mice, which is then followed by a large increase in Jack's blood pressure and some yelling and generally immoral and unflinchingly bad police work.
There are current theories among the fan population that the remake and its subsequent remake are staged entirely in the Astrodome in Texas. It is known that a hotdog vender made a one line cameo role saying "Jack! Yo shit just got jacked!". He was shot and then gang raped by Curtis Manning's tactical squad.
A sequel to 24 was proposed and eventually declined when producers realized they would have to conduct 242 hours of television (which, incidentally only adds up to about 24 hours, without adds, but the motion to continue milking the popularity of the original title had already been carried).
Occurrences of 24
There are many things that occur in the show 24 times or is connected with the number 24. For example:
2. The screen is often split into 24 different sections during a dramatic moment.
4. In each series the terrorists always have 24 backup plans.
5. Jack Bauer can fire at least 24 bullets from ANY gun without reloading.
7. At least 24 CTU agents standing right next to Jack are shot in each episode.
8. Dennis Haysbert, actually has 24 limbs, each ending in 24 small tentacles which he uses for manipulation. These were edited out of the transmitted show using CGI so as not to cause distress to the viewing public.
9. Jack yells something he just said only in a louder tone ONLY 24 times each episode.(Example: "Get down...GET DOWN!!") Were he to do this 25 times the show would become far too extreme to be shown on network television. But, of course, there is no 25.
10. At least one mole is caught in CTU every 24 minutes.
11. Every 24 months, Jack loves someone else.
12. Jack cries 24 times each season. 
13. Sometimes Jack gets tired, so he sleeps for a few episodes. Indeed, the highlight of season 2, episode 14, was Jack getting up to go to the bathroom every 24 minutes.
14. Each season lasts... and this is the spookiest bit... 24 hours.
15. Jack once tortured less than 24 people in one episode of 24, and promptly put 24 bullets into his own head. He was clinically dead for 24 minutes, but then was revived. He killed 24 terrorists in the following episode. 24.
16. David Palmer made Jack Bauer his bitch exactly 24 times before he was assassinated. Jack Bauer will never be anybody else's bitch, bitch.
17. Jack got killed 24 times in season 24 when he thought he had killed 23 terrorists, but there was one left (23 + 1 = 24!!!).
18. The phrases "against protocol", "within the hour", "we're running out of time!" and "Jack Bauer Power Hour" must each be mentioned 24 times per episode, or else the clock explodes and is replaced by the cameraman's wrist analog watch for the rest of the season (due to budget limitations).
19. The allowed budget for CTU is a total of US$24, yet each of the 24 agents at CTU are paid $24 an hour, creating hilarious consequences.
20. Each CTU agent is required to work 24 straight hours each day of the week. Any remaining hours of the day are spent at leisure.
21. The "24" clock was discovered 24 times in a desk in room 24 in area 24 on 24. Everyone who finds it dies 24 times.
22. Everyone knows that once Jack Bauer is on the case, it will be resolved in EXACTLY 24 hours. Were it to last any longer or shorter, then the show would no longer be 24 hours, thus ending.
23. Jack is shot a total of 24 times per season. This is the reason for the crying mentioned earlier.
24. All actors on set are either 24 years old, or were born on February 4, 1924 (2/4/24)
25. There are only 24 occurrences of 24 in the show 24. Any other occurrences of 24 are just coincidences.
- Jack "DAMMIT!" Bauer has had a tough life. When he's not spending a whole day hunting down terrorists for their meat and fur, Jack has to battle with mountains of paperwork in order to cover up his real identity as Jesus. As such a dominating character, there is little screen time for others in the show, and there have been calls for the renaming of the show to "24: Jack Bauer Time", "Jack Bauer" or even rumours as of 2007 of "Just Jack". In 2009 the show's producers answered fans' prayers and selected the show's new title, "Bauer + A Bootlace = 1,000,000 Dead Terrorists". Rumours have spread of the next season to be named simply "Bootlace". Jack carries a rugged look, despite the fact that he hasn't received support or a paycheck from CTU in 6-odd seasons. For the most part, Jack is a team player, doing things by the book. However, sometimes he's been known to go into a mode of determination so focused, that he's commonly referred to as "The Jackhammer". His hobbies include:
- Telephoning incredulous pawns to tell them about critical leads
- Pointing guns at bad guys and generally anyone who gets in his way (not to mention their wives).
- Teleporting around Los Angeles in zero time.
- Running away from fireballs and mosquitoes.
- Being awesome
- Escaping from being detained by his own employer.
- Shouting at people before shooting them in the knee.
- Shouting at people while shooting them in the knee.
- Shouting at people after shooting them in the knee.
- Rescuing his daughter, Kim Bauer, from space cougars.
- "DAMMIT CHLOE!"
- Sticking wet towels down to the stomachs of bad guys, letting the stomachs digest them, and leaving a tiny piece at the end of the towels and pulling out the towel along with the bad guys' digestive organs. He learnt this technique at a Scientologist audit in Soviet Russia.
- Being INTENTIONALLY caught by Arab terrorists when he's hungry, only to eat one of them and escape.
- Dying INTENTIONALLY when he needs some sleep, only to come back to life a few seconds later.
- Graem "Blue Man Tooth" Bauer, first seen in season 5 as the drunk couch man, is a sinister figure sent by the writers to boost ratings by introducing family villains. Most assuredly, one of Bauer's relatives will come out. Hey, it worked for The Simpsons.
- Chloe "Personality Chaos" O'Brien she can basically do anything with a computer. And we mean ANYTHING. A master computer programmer, Chloe is the great-great-grandmother of the architect seen in the Matrix Reloaded. Jack often relies on Chloe's interpersonal skills to solve tense diplomatic situations.
- Edgar Stiles was rumoured to have overdosed on Nerve gas, but he was actually silent-clocked offstage. He writes fellow co-worker Chloe O'Brian a 24-page poem every day, which he intends to give to her, but then eats it since he is too shy. So lonely.
- Kim "The Cougar Incident" Bauer is Jack's daughter. She likes to think that she's alive and her mother is dead, even though it's the other way around. She must be spooked by the living. Fetishes include: psychiatrists and kidnapping. Although she never fakes an orgasm, she always fakes being good with computers. Kim dropped out of high school and through TV magic managed to get a fancy highly covert government job at CTU LA. She has been diagnosed with a severe case of dumb blond.
- David "Ethics Professor" Palmer First black President of the United States whose fondness for handshaking just might get him into trouble someday. CTU spent the entire first season trying to save President Palmer, only to have him die at the very beginning of the fifth season with no warning in an live-action game of Counter-Strike ("headshot, kekeke!!!"). His soul is now kept in a cookie jar in the presidential desk of his brother Wayne "I'm no David Palmer" Palmer. Barack Obama is based on David Palmer, which makes both David Palmer and Barack Obama even more awesome.
- Wayne "I'm no David Palmer" Palmer rides on his deceased brother's coattails like a sultan on a persian rug. He has been criticized for having a vice-presidential tone in his voice, not particularly suited for his role as president and decider.
- Tom Mitchelson runs the Counter-Terrorist Unit. He is known to put his hands on his hips, turn his head, and ask too many questions. He was infected with rabies by a guard dog in season two; symptoms will surface when the drama goes slack.
- President "Nixon look-alike" Loganberry makes everyone hang on his every word by constantly pursing his lips and tilting his head. His indecisiveness is actually a double-disguise. He is arguably the most annoying character in the show, after Kim Bauer.
- Martha "The First Lady" Loganberry, also known as dotty-wrinkles, ghosts around the president's retreat looking for someone who can relay the critical evidence she has in her possession. No one will because she's a crazy hag.
- Tony "Soul Patch" Almeida was Jack's best friend. They both had sexual intercourse with Nina Myers who turned out to be a man. Tony was killed, in season 5, by the same ninjas that kidnapped the president in Bad Dudes, the 1988 arcade game by Data East. It is rumored that Tony will be killed again in season 6, this time by Kim Bauer, who uncharacteristically does something really dumb and has to be rescued by her father. Tony is half Latino, half Awesome, and half done. Tony comes back to life to the surprise of everyone, because Tony is actually the Highlander. This proves 24 is a horror/sci fi thriller and BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST!!!!
- Michelle "DECEASED" Dessler was Tony Almeida's wife, mistress, personal djinn, and tax advisor. Michelle is a witch. Although on the show's second season the terrorists were from witch ancestry, it was decided that Michelle would be written into the CTU personnel to alleviate tensions from the witch community. She is quatridextrous, as she can use her feet for any task her hands might be too busy to perform. Not only is her quatridexicality an invaluable skill at CTU, but this was also the selling point for Tony's marriage proposal.
- Wiles Papillae is known by his friends and intimate confidantes as "the mole." In his former life, he was a magician, and his sleight of hand came in handy when sabotaging the recorded evidence. Chloe, the program she was using, and even the USB device driver to which the recording was connected all failed to notice. His betrayal of the main characters virtually guaranteed his death before the season's end.
- Nina "Oscar" Myers is responsible for giving classified information to terrorists, and underground reptilian beings. She did so by covertly switching half the computers at CTU to PCs and installing Windows Me on them and then installing Norton, which opened a secure transmission with the terrorist camps around the world.
- Mike "Mole Man" Novick is said to be a mole in disguise as a government official. Supposedly, you can only see him in his mole stage during a blue moon. He first worked for Democratic President David Palmer, but later switched political parties to work for Republican President Loganberry. The switch, seen on season five, could only be accomplished through the burning of seven virgins in the light of the blue moon.
- Ted Cofell is an ordinary businessman riding around in a bulletproof limousine with a MicroTech Halo. He is the typical CEO who has sex with his secretary. This guy is the definition of failure.
- Walt "Ted Cofell" Cummings is yet another mole in the government who sold nerve gas to terrorists. However, unlike Mike "Mole Man" Novick, Walt Cummings is not a real mole. Cummings commits suicide after Jack Bauer threatens to cut off his face.
- Aaron Pierce is the most bad ass secret service agent ever and the only character who seems to be immortal, other than Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida.
- Rosie O'Donnell the main villain in season one. Rosie uses her mutant powers to attack unsuspecting civilians. She is fat, unattractive, and her magazine flopped. She was fired from a canon by Donald Trump, the co-owner of the 24 remake. Some say she was never on the show in the first place, but they've just been misinformed.
- Lonnie McRae is the most popular character in 24 history. Widely regarded as a hero, Lonnie rescued Kim Bauer from, then fed her to Mountain Lions. Lonnie's character was so popular, the Fox network gave him his own spin-off sitcom called The O'Reilley Factor. It was then moved to NBC and given the name, the Office.
- Ike "DUBAKU DEVICE" Dubaku is the lasagna craving villain of season 23 (Fuck, they have 23 of the damn things already? -ed). He was put in to reel in fans of the sitcom genre, a sensibility 24 usually lacks. Dubaku is most famous for his dramatic escape, which ends after he strolls into his apartment, pours himself a cup of orange juice, and has sex with his girlfriend. After he's finished, he calls up the President and demands "more bitches", or he'll "Dubaku Device yo' ass!" followed by a laugh track. He never does get his lasagna.
- Renee "Rack Bauer" Walker is the writer's last attempt at some goddamn tits in this show, ever since they scientifically proved that nobody gives a fuck about Kim Bauer. Her lifetime dream is to have a threesome with Jack Bauer and Larry Moss, but her dream is ruined when Tony chops off Larry's Junk. She does end up sleeping with Jack later, though, providing us with this beautiful scene
Renee: I hope you realize that this is just pity sex because you're going to die from the bioweapon in less than a day.
Jack: I hope you realize that this is just pity sex because you aren't Jack Motherfucking Bauer
Thus follows half an episode of sex with Renee climaxing into a silent clock.
The rest of the seasons are expected to be fairly humdrum now that the "it was the President of the United States" card has been played. The writers of the show are reportedly looking for even higher authority figures to cast as antagonists, so that they may wield even greater resources against the piddling but pithy band of counter-counter-counter-counter-terrorists. Hillary Clinton, God, The Pope, Oprah, the Dalai Lama, and Your Mom have been considered to fill the top-down corruption schemata, but none has been deemed sufficient.
The ace up the writers' collective sleeve is the viewer's naive assumption that the appearance of the split screen and clock are only a lead-up to commercials. Not so. In fact, the studio is merely portraying the sinister and comprehensive surveillance of the protagonists by a team of super-terrorists, the ones that hired Nina Meyers, led by none other than... THE CLOCK!
Season 598 (known as Day 598) shows Jack Bauer finding out his zimmerframe has been stolen and has exactly 24 hours to find out who did it or he will not get any supper for that day-which would be a terrible loss.
Fox's Attempt At A Remake of the Remake
After the failed 48 TV series, Fox decided to try remaking their own remake of 24. They decided to make this take place after 48. Why they would make a remake and make it the sequel of their own remake, I have no idea. Fox is screwed if you ask me.
Since the show took place after the sequel to Fox's remake, technically Jack Bauer is already dead. To replace Jack Bauer, Fox went with a new twist: the sniper kitty (seen below).
This upset Kiefer Sutherland so bad that he tried to sue Fox for making a disgrace of the character that he played. In the end, the jury said the following, "We're sorry Kiefer, but we can't charge such a cute and fluffy fur ball with anything. Besides, you have to admit, it's sniper skills are sweet!" Kiefer's response: "Well, you got a point. (to cat)You are such a cutty wooty..." The rest of what he said was stricken from the court records as the cat made a mad dash and brutally skinned Jack alive. The judge and the jury and all present simply said, "Awwww!"
The cat that took Jack Bauer's place was really the actor that played Curtis's cat. He claims that he taught the cat himself. In the show, sniper kitty's right hand man is of course, Muhamed Ali. I mean, who else would it be?
So far the series has done quite well. The series's success is mainly credited to the writers decision to finally kill off Kim Bauer in the first episode. Curtis's response after he killed her was, "Thank God that bitch is finally dead!"
This week the show is supposed to air its 242424242424242424th episode. A sparadict number of episodes were released after the Writers Strike that was caused do to a lack of jelly-filled doughnuts at their break tables. Apparently, the writers of the remake of the remake never went on strike, they just went to Dunkin Doughnuts. These episodes involved the sniper kitty getting mad at Starbucks for giving him a latte instead of a Java Chip.
A 24:The Remake movie was made later on into the series. The storyline involved Kim Bauer coming back to life and claiming to be the Anti-Christ. Muhammad Ali sat there looking cool, while the sniper-kitty quickly shot Kim in the face. Then the movie ended. The only theater to show this movie was a small theater in the high Rocky Mountains. Apparently the owner of the movie theater was blind and deaf. The movie sold an outstanding 5 tickets. They lost 5.3 million dollars making this movie. An investigation is still in progress over if that money really went towards the 2 minute long film or to drug deals with an illegal immigrant.
A sequel to 24 was created, called 48. This show was expected to have twice the popularity, as it had twice the action and twice the episodes. The show aired once, but unfortunately it only had approximately 48 viewers, so it was cancelled. The tapes are still in the Fox offices and are expected to be worth well over forty eight billion dollars at the moment. The whole season was based upon the life of George Mason's clone. When first discovered in the middle of the Mojove Dessert, the clone was looking for a way to get plastic surgery and look just like Jack Bauer, then kill him. This plan was meant to make a paradox in the minds of the police and the members of CTU so that he could get away with killing the man that killed the real him.
This is the paradox: If there are two Jack Bauers, one the real one, and one the clone, then wouldn't he have technically committed suicide? But was it the real one that killed the clone, or was it the clone that killed the real one? If the real one killed the clone, then it would be murder, but if the clone killed the real one, it would be suicide. Or would it? Wouldn't that be murder too? But what if the clone was brain dead and couldn't think? Then that wouldn't be murder. But if he was brain dead how would he know how to fire a gun? THIS HURTS MY BRAIN!!!!!
This ended up killing all the members of CTU Los Angeles. This really made the 48 people that watched it mad, especially about the fact that Jack Bauer died. How all of this happened in one hour of time, I don't know. It just did.
The porno starring the 24 characters of 24
The show is much for meaningful, as it deals with the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Also terrorists.
60 is a spinoff with his less attractive and barely awesome brother, Graem Bauer. Instead of 24 one-hour parts, the series takes place over 1 minute with 60 episodes total.
Plot of 60
The success of the series 60 spanned into another series entitled 60 Miami. This is basically the same show with some characters from 60 moving to Miami.
Aparently there was an attempt at a remake in the 90's, involving terrorists hacking into the internet's GeoCities page. This series failed due to the lack of a cool CTU ringtone...also dial-up.
24 is also a number. 24 is the highest number, it's the highest number there is. There are no higher numbers. You may have heard rumours of a number called 25, but it does not exist, it is an evil Communist plot. Some evil chinese peasants claim to have found proof that 24 is just one place above 23 (or 23+1 as they believe), but these are just rumors, there is no way that any number can be that close to 24 because 24 is totaly divine. Luckily these blasphemers are now captured and put in jail for the rest of their lives where they will be tortured by letting Chuck Norris stare them down for eternity.
This page will self-destruct in 24 secon... no wait! Wrong damn show! What show is this? Can somebody explain this one to me? (We would but there's no time!!)
24 Theme Song
Fox will soon unveil a new theme song for 24. This song will be performed by lyrical and rap virtuoso Vanilla Ice. The lyrical genius inherent in hip hop is evident in this theme song.
♪ YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ♪ This is Twenny Fo
♪ Groovin on Da Dance Flo
♪ Bauer's Gettin' so pissed
♪ He will ice the terroris'
♪ This is Twenny Fo
♪ Yeah Yeaaaahhhhh
♪ He'll find da bomb fo' sho'
♪ Jack'll find da nerve gas (fast!)
♪ Then go tap yo' bitch ho's ass
♪ This is Twenny Fo
♪ This is Twenny Fo
♪ This is Twenny Fo
♪ Go around the round bout round and round we go ya know?
“Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!!”
“You're going to have to trust me!!!”
“You're running out of time!!!”
“Why the hell won't Kim die!!!”
“Wait a minute. . what the FUCK is 24?”
“I have to go to the bathroom... But theres no time!”
“Give me a Big Mac now or I'll shoot you!!”
“There's no time!!”
“Where is the bomb!?!?”
“You're going to go over and unlock the door and ask those men what they want to eat, if you do anything I don't like I will blow your head off.”
“You probably don't think that I could force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I hold on to this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. Most people, they take about a week to die. It's very painful.”
“Previously on 24”
“Why does everyone around me keep dying?”
“It's Truw, I am the Villain In Season 8. Go On. Try An COntradict Me Or I Will Descale Your Face!!!!”
“HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ! Theres no time to disarm the nuclear bomb! Give me the blueprints for the C4 bomb in the White House! Chloe! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHERE ARE THEY?!?! BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBMAMBAMBAMBAMBMAMBAMMANBAMABA click reload”
Why Nobody Sleeps, Eats or Shits
Many have asked the important question: why the hell doesn't anyone sleep, eat or shit over the course of the show? The answer is simple.
If: 1 hour on TV = 45 minutes of show plus fifteen minutes of ads
Then: 24 x 3/4=18.
Therefore: Everyone has 6 hours to eat or sleep or shit.
Some have argued against this, stating that not all the ads are lumped together. Others yet have agreed that yes, many people need to sleep, but Jack Bauer is not one of them.Some have also said that it isn't in 24 hours and it's all fake, but this is complete bull.
But you should say to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax".