50 Cent

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“Hey, what's that in that guy's hand? Oh crap!”

~ 50 Cent on that suspicious item at his face.

“I'm all about the dollar! What the fuck is Fifty Cents?!”

~ Jay-Z on looking at a half dollar
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to 50 Cent.

50 Cent is a short story written by legendary poet Curtis Jackson and published in The New York Times in 2003. It revolves around a lost and unwanted 1974 JFK half dollar who has to resort to committing various crimes while trying to find its place in society. It was republished in book form in 2005 and has sold tens of copies. All sold copies come with a complimentary muscle shirt and fitted hat.

Excerpts from the story[edit]

The beginning[edit]

On a dark night on July 25, 1975, a fifteen year old witch named Sabrina was squatted and realized that she sharted, all the while she had found a young JFK half dollar on the curb while dealing narcotics to an underprivileged Chinese business man. Sabrina Blewsew, a cocaine dealer, named the newly minted coin 50 Cent. Sabrina took great care of the young coin until he was eight, and she was tragically murdered. Twenty-three at the time, she was under direct scrutiny for unpaid bills and allegations of an underage-sex trafficking ring, she entered the eviction process of her Queens apartment shortly after. She was found dead on October 30, 1982 receiving multiple head blows by the very broom she hand crafted and came to love, she was then left for dead after the gas in her apartment was accidentally left on by the mischievous coin, prior to the incident, the windows were shut closed due to Sabrina's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder of fear from the Bubonic Plague. Fortunately for the coin, he was at school at the time it happened. Subsequently he was forced to walk from school, after refusing to sit in the back seat of the School Bus. He walked aimlessly for 8 miles to an abandoned sweatshop, where he was almost informed by a homeless man who possessed the ability to receive and send messages telepathically, that Sabrina would never pick him up and that he'd have to live there along with his older cousin, $10. He eventually received the awful news, upon cracking open a fortune cookie. The unhappy coin spent the following years dancing and singing for food, at the mercy and watchful googly eye of his whimsical cousin, $10. until he was liberated by $10's tragic death.
Following the grotesque assassination of his cousin, whom at the time was demoted to $5, unwillingly forced 50 cent into a spiraling world of depression, crack smoking, and a diet strictly based on leafy green grasshoppers. After nearly eliminating the entire local population of grasshoppers, he progressed to stronger addictions, from which he began consuming experimental drugs that he received from his coinecologist. A year after his unfortunate events, at age fourteen, he began boxing when he wasn't at school. The young coin often told people, "Boy! I sure hope that I'm gonna get to hit people when I take my mother's throne of being the greatest dealer in all of Queens!" He almost did, too. Well, until the metal detectors at school caught him practising his second amendment rights. He was promptly locked up.

Selling narcotics in the hood[edit]

After graduating high school as an Honor-roll student, and receiving many university scholarships, the gallant coin decided to barter his diploma for a burlap sack full of drugs. Shortly after his 19th birthday he stole the very low-rider bicycle he would've wanted as a birthday present. Using his clever driving skills he was able to distribute cocaine and various other drugs singlehandedly with one hand tied behind his back. as this proved to be most tactical, he attached bicycle streamers for maximum aerodynamic superiority over his rival bike-riding dealers, which ultimately gave him an edge in his risky profession.

he likes poop

Getting shot[edit]

The eager 50 Cent was going to his friend's house to recover some stolen jewelery when Puff Daddy ran up to his car. 50 Cent, thinking the man needed a ride, decided to pull over. After all, the guy could be God testing to see if he was a nice man. That's when things got ugly, Barbara Streisand ugly, Puff Daddy whipped out a pistol in retaliation for the murder of his long lost friend The Notorious B.I.G. who was murdered in March 1997, "Mike Tyson, bitch!"
One of the bullets shattered his jaw and knocked out his wisdom. Luckily, the doctors replaced his jaw with a steel implant and a complimentary grill. Sadly, after 72 painful hours, they were unable to replace his wisdom. "thas aight", 50 Cent said while lying in his hospital bed. "Now I coulds put refligerator magnets on mah teef! fo Free!"
Other bullets riddled his forearms which had to be amputated. Luckily again, he received a forearm transplant from Tupac's embalmed body, but due to complications from surgery, he was left with an insatiable appetite for spinach.

Getting signed[edit]

A self portrait of 50 Cent prior to consuming bitches.
While out shopping at a Detroit supermarket, mild-mannered multimillionaire Eminem, heard something playing on the intercom. Something, he thought, that sounded like a guy who had gotten shot. It was just the thing he'd been looking for. He went over to 50 Cent's cashier desk and immediately signed him to his record.
In February 2003, just a few months after being signed, 50 Cent released his commercial debut album, Get Rich... And I Mean Really Fuckin' Rich (Bill Gates-type rich). Rolling Stone noted 50 Cent's "unflappable, laid-back hoes."
Many of the songs on the album did exceedingly well. 50 Cent said, during an interview with some magazine white people have never heard of, "My favourite track on da whole thing be dat 'In da Food Shop' wit' Ronald "G" McNigga. Mm-mm I'm Lovin' it Fo' sho'!"

From Homeless to 50 Cent[edit]

Most of his life he roamed the streets looking to make a quick buck, when he failed at that he resorted to making some spare change. Curtis Jackson struggled with homelessness for several years, it wasn't until 2001 when he allegedly received critical acclaim for a poem he wrote about his girlfriend and her resemblance to a 1962 Jefferson Nickle. His obsession with coins grew slightly larger with every second, leading him to create The Royal Coin crew former members include: 5 Cent, 10 Cent, Quarter and Peso. One stormy night, Curtis forgot to lock the gate and they all escaped. Jackson's feverish fascination with coins, left him in a comatose state. While foaming at the mouth, In his dreamlike condition, he had a vision of Joseph Stalin who told Curtis his path in life was to Rap and rule with an Iron Grin. While on a business trip in Singapore, he had intercourse with a Vietnamese prostitute in the backseat of a Camaro, and after the extensive use of narcotics, alcohol, and mind altering substances he contacted an STD spirit that foretold him about an event in his life that would leave him permanently brain damaged, two-minutes later the prophecy became true. The prostitute becoming anxious with terror, demanded her money. Still lethargic, Curtis asked , "how much?" she then in a deep, masculine voice replied, "50 cents." thus adding the final nail to his distraught mind and fully developing his alter-ego 50 Cent.


The ice cream was pulled off the market after traces of Orangutan feces of the Chocolate Chip flavor were found to contain cancer causing side-effects.

The short story did was very popular, although many readers sent letters saying they felt like something had been left out or that it didn't have a satisfying ending, though they loved the story and wanted more stories from the author.

In response to these requests, Curtis Jackson announced he'd written a full book entitled "The Structural Realism of Kenneth Waltz: A Marxist Critique". Later in the day, he announced he was going into reclusion and the book would only be published 50 years after his death, stating J.D. Salinger as his favourite author.

some didn't get what he was talking and are expected to buy the book, regardless how bad it is.

The publishing company partnered with various other companies to produce a variety of products and services ranging from Half-Dollar Toothpaste to ice cream. Most of the merchandise has been released as limited edition products, although the action figures have been continuously manufactured by Fisher Price since mid-2005.

Death and Resurrection[edit]

50 Cent sadly died two weeks ago when his liver imploded live on stage. He was later resurrected by a fan, with the unorthodox use of a crackpipe, some scotch tape, a pair of needle nose pliers and the legs from a crippled Flamingo. An onlooker described it as, "homeboy pulled a MacGyver on his dying ass, i was like ahhh hell naw." this onlooker was later punched in the face multiple times for unknown reasons. 50 Cent's liver re-generated after eating some o' Ma's homestyle cajun chicken.

Significance In Neuroscience[edit]

  • In 2007 a study was performed on 1,000 subjects, 500 of which were control subjects. The control subjects were attached to a faux neuroimaging device, and the test group was attached to a real one. When the control group was asked whether they wanted to bet 40 cents to have a 50% chance of getting $2, they almost universally took the bet. When the test group was asked the same question with 50 cents, they started to rap nonstop in a very poor fashion; this drove the neuroscientists to suicide.

See Also[edit]