8 (number)

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Despite its smooth features and curvy figure, Eight is a wholly evil number . Eight is also almost always mispronounced.


Created in a failed experiment by a mad typesetter trying to clone an S and abandoned shortly thereafter, Eight has long been plagued with feelings of inadequacy and resentment towards any type of authority. 8 made up for this by lashing out at anything and anyone. In fact, for a long time, 8 was the largest number in the set of real numbers simply because people were afraid that any number higher than eight would be, by nature, even worse than 8. This in turn led to the popular saying (and later, hard hitting news show) Eight is Enough.

It is believed that this rebellious nature was the catalyst in 8's collusion with 7 to kill and cannibalize her neighbor, 9. Though most people are taught that 7 is the instigator of the crime, there is a newer theory that casts 8 in the role of Svengali, masterminding an intricate plot to retain her place as the largest number.

Though unsuccessful in her bid to stay atop the number line, her sociopathic tendencies caught the eye of a young Satan, who took her to be the first Number of the Beast. Eight enjoyed a successful tenure as the Devil's calling card... but was eventually cast aside for a sexy new number, 666. Her departure from Satan was in typical 8 style. She keyed his car, drowned his puppy, and on her way out the door gave him the middle digit (presumed to be 3).

Currently, 8 is doing wetwork for Microsoft aiding in the acquisition and transport of human sacrifices for Steve Ballmer to eat. Each person (known as a bit) is grouped with 7 other people, constituting a full meal for Ballmer. One full meal is known as a Byte.

Correct Pronunciation[edit]

  • The E is pronounced the same as the e in face
  • the i is pronounced the same as the i in pain
  • the gh is pronounced the same as the gh in though
  • the t is pronounced the same as the t in tsar

the result is a wholly unpronounceable word. Those in the know simply insert a pause in counting. It is widely accepted that the homonym ate is due to 8s fascination with, and continued practice of, cannibalization.

According to the prophet Teddy Ruxpin there will come a day when someone will figure out how to speak Eight's true name and that, in turn, will signal the start of the apocalypse.


In Internet slang, number 8 represents "ate", i.e.:

  • "I8m1d0g" - I ate my dog
  • "Gr8 Cr8r" - Great Crater
  • "m8witmiimfrikinhot" - Mate with me, i'm freaking hot!


  • Increasing value of 8 is as easy as rotating it 90 degrees in any direction:

Just don't get carried away, okay?

  • 8 is a known sex offender and football hooligan, who has been spotted lurking behind the Cowshed at Prenton Park sporting that hideous mid 90's green and orange Tranmere Rovers away kit.

  • If you take the number 7 and add 2 you do not get 8
  • Recent controversy has been sparked on 8 truly being enough