99.999%

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“99.999% of the time, you'll never... ”

~ Every person who's ever tried to teach you something on anything at all.

“99.999% is actually 100% in disguise”

~ Captain Obvious on 99.999%

“The product kills 99.999% of common household germs...”


99.999% is a number which is used by people who want to be precise. Because 100% just isn't good enough for them. It is also a device commonly used by teachers to avoid explaining uncommon, but still relevant situations.

Despite how many sketchy articles an online encyclopedia may have, it must never certify that it is '100% UnFactual' because there is always the danger that one tiny fact may survive all attempts at huffing. Therefore, 99.999% is the safest way of expressing 100%.


Why can't people just say 100%?[edit]

That's what I thought, but apparently, you can't round up to 100 when you're being precise. How precise do you have to be? If you've got 99.999% of something, you pretty much have 100% of it. The only exception would be if you had 100,000,000 of something, at which point 99.999% would become 99,999,999.9 - but why the hell would you have that many of anything except the percentage of Uncyclopedia articles that are awesome . Of 100,000,000 articles on this site (yes, really), the remaining 0.01% of them are crap.

Some people are just too afraid to say 100%. After all, saying 99.999% gives you some room for exceptions. It's used the way people use "almost" and "probably".

So if someone disagrees, those 99.999999% can point out that their statement didn't say completely 100% positive. <--Psychological Bullshit

I Still Don't Get It...[edit]

Mr condom.jpg

Perhaps I should put this in terms you, the average reader, can easily comprehend. Let's talk about SEX. Let's say 100 million people use a particular brand of condom 100 times weekly for a total of 100 years after which no accidental pregnancies ever occur. On the last day of the hundredth year, someone decides to be an idiot and breaks the damned thing, resulting in another unwanted brat. Or their girlfriend pokes tiny holes in the tip. Either way, the 100-year safety record doesn't matter. That form of birth control can never, ever, ever be considered 100%-effective again. That little mistake will never go away, hence "99.999 percent of the time...".

The solution to all your problems.

Well, that's pretty stupid.[edit]

I know! It is, right? It's really stupid. Honestly, some people are totally stupid. Seriously people, say 100%!! NO ONE CARES IF YOU HAVE 99.999% OF SOMETHING! If you say that instead of 100%, you're probably counting the amount of hours you've wasted in your life being a precise person.

What about Jesus? Is he 99.999% Messiah?[edit]

Don't be ignorant. Without his raptor counterpart, Jesus is only 49.999% messiah, but to answer your question in a way you can comprehend, no. Because Jesus wants to make you whole, he has to give a little of himself to make your sin infested unholy wretch of a body worth the space it takes up. By doing this he becomes less and less (sometimes dropping into the 99.998 or even 99.997% area!) all so that you can feel good about yourself when you walk out the door. Why do you do this? You know it hurts Jesus every time he rips a piece of himself off to save you, you sick bastard.

What about me? Am I 100% human[edit]

NO! DID YOU READ ANY OF WHAT I JUST SAID!! You are 99.999% human and 0.001% ape.

OK, so what if I had 100,000,000 of something and I wanted to take away a percentage of that?[edit]

What, so now YOU'RE counting the amount of hours you've wasted being precise and figuring out percentages instead of having friends, or, say, getting laid or something, but instead you choose to measure out your percentages instead of simply rounding up to the nearest multiple of 10?

OK, fine... if you have 100,000,000 of something (you damn dirty ape) and you wanted to take away a percentage of it, you'd just... well, get a calculator, you idiot. I'm not speaking to you any more, I don't like you.

See also[edit]