“AT&T Wireless has now become Cingular”
“Cingular is now the new AT&T”
“Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Ca-sssssssshhhhhzzzkkkkkkskskckzzzkzkzssskkksksk What? ... Can you hear me now?... Good!”
AT&T Mobility, formerly Cingular is now the New AT&T, formerly Attention Whore Wireless, formerly Cingular Wireless, an LLC (for obvious reasons) is headquartered in a small wooden shed on the middle of a plantation in rural Georgia. They claim to be the largest mobile phone company on their farm with the largest digital voice and data network in the country, although proof shows there are only 9 Cingular towers in the continental United States, each approximately 11" in length. 7 of the 9 Cingular towers are located in eastern North Dakota. The other 2 are located in sinking marsh land in the Florida everglades.
Cingular Wireless was formed on Stardate 2510.17 as a joint venture of Mexico Tacommunication and BellSouth. The company was briefly called Taco Bell but changed its name to Cingular after the fast-food chain Taco Bell threatened to sue. After Mexico Tacommunication assimlated AT&T and became the new (as in old, but with a different logo) AT&T, they sent their agents after BellSouth. Now having absorbed the only thing stoppping them from conquering the world, they announced they would change the name from Cingular to iAT&T when Apple launched the iPhone, thus fufilling the prophecy.
The first wireless company to announce Q1 results, Cingular reported an extremely strong first quarter, beating analyst expectations with 37¢ of net adds during Q1, drastically reduced customer turnover at 99.3% versus 400.1% one year prior and numerous other improvements. At quarter's end, 89% of Cingular's customers were unable to use their phones because of the carriers poor network support and 97% of its wireless anytime minutes went unused because of this. Cingular also during the first quarter began touting independent testing results (performed by Bob Wehadababyitsaboy from the AT&T commercials) showing Cingular as the carrier with the fewest blocked, dropped or poor-quality calls, in a direct attack on Verizon Wireless's We Won't Not Drop Your Call campaign.
The following fees are generally added to the bills of Cingular Wireless customers:
- Triversal Disconectivity Fee: $0.75
- Extraspecular Netnotworking Downkeep Fee: $1.50
- Misdelivered/Unread Text Messages: 35¢ each
- Dropped call fee: $0.55 each
- Fee to turn on/off cell phone: $1.00 each
- Fee per word spoken in conversation: $0.01 per word
- Customer Service fee: $4.99/month
- Accidentally roaming on T-Mobile's towers: $20/minute
- And much, much more.
Fewest Dropped Calls
During the first quarter of 2006, Bob reported that during an extensive nationwide test of major wireless carriers that he himself performed in Wisconsin in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly's while sitting in his 1982 Oldsmobile Firenza, he dropped his Cingular Wireless handset fewer times then those of other network providers. Because of this, Cingular in turn began advertising with more aggression the Allover Network citing Bob as the leading independent research company. This was in stark contrast to the Consumer Unions who published the reports as being from some dude. J.D. Power and Associates consistently puts Cingular in the bottom of their 'overall customer satisfaction' list.
Bob initially refused to provide details on his study and, according to the Boston Globe, Buick issued a statement that said, "He still owns a Firenza?!"
A class action lawsuit alleges that Cingular misled former AT&T Wireless customers after it was acquired in October of 2004 by telling them that their cell phones could be used as an emergency pace maker.
In 2004, the Federal Communications Commission reported logging more than 14,388,342,957 complaints (or 1,492 per subscriber) against Cingular Wireless. The most common of which included the inability to communicate with their 'customer service' representatives who are located in India, the Philippines and Newark, NJ. It is rumored that the representatives from Newark are the most difficult to understand. They try to fool their customers by using American names, such as Bill, Robert, Sara and James.
As reported by the ASPCA, as well as Fox News (so you know it must be true), excessive usage of Cingular handsets may have a laxative effect. This is partially due to the fact that (1) Cingular customers talk a whole bunch of crap and (2) you have to wear boots when you call Cingular customer service.
It is said that people who switch from Cingular to another moble phone company will have to face the Cingular Wireless Guy, a big orange blob that will suck out your life by clinging onto your face and sucking out your soul. Nobody has ever survived an attack by him, Nobody. Dr. Gregory House is currently working on a form of therapy for the condition.
In an effort to gain more customers, AT&T is planning to re-re-introduce it's retarded TrueVoice service. Remember TrueVoice from the 90s? All it did was enhance the bass end of the sound spectrum over the network. But Whitney Houston wanted you to think it was much, much more. "The real you, comin' through..." The re-re-introduced TrueVoice service is currently under development. AT&T plans to call the new TrueVoice service the International Biotic Automated Routing Function, or iBarf for short.