A Nightmare on Sesame Street
“It was a lovely masterpiece about coming-of-age and finding your true purpose in life”
“I suggested my character be straight originally, but the fag who was cast as Bert looked too damn sexy!”
“At least we have a sequel to get it right...”
A Nightmare on Sesame Street is an upcoming film produced by Walt Disney Pictures, in association with Steve Jobs. It tells the grisly, tragic story of Elmo's life, as his schizophrenia worsens and he goes to murder every member of the neighborhood. It stars Kevin Bacon as Big Bird, Brad Dourif as Elmo, Jerry Springer as Oscar the Grouch, Marlon Brando as the Cookie Monster, Robert De Niro as Bert and Joe Pesci as Ernie.
The film opens with Bert and Ernie engaging in rough sex, when Ernie hears something. Hoping it was his aging aunt finally dying in the basement, he goes down to check it out. It turns out to be Elmo, his old college professor who lives down the street. He is naked and hallucinating. Ernie understands that he had a bad night at the bar, and drives him home. While Bert gets supicious (knowing Elmo is bisexual), Elmo warns Ernie of what will happen in the near future. Ernie thinks he's just babbling on about shit, but surprisingly Elmo just told Ernie the entire plot of the film...
The titles roll, and we cut to Big Bird, who is making a living selling drugs and investing in Oscar's pimping industry. He notices that Elmo has been buying more weed than usual. He wants to know how he gets enough money for three bags a week, and how the hell he can smoke that much!
As sits in his therapist's office, enjoying a joint with him, he discusses Elmo. The high psychiatrist gives Bird Elmo's file, and Bird learns of Elmo's diseases. He would just let Elmo dose himself to death, but being his number one customer, he realizes he must go help him.
Big Bird tries to offer some advice to Elmo. But Elmo shouts at his dealer, that he doesn't need a doctor OR his drugs. And with that, Elmo runs off and starts a new life as a hobo. But hobo life isn't right for Elmo. He's already masturbated to all the pornos he could gather, he's already tasted each kind of shit found on the street, and he's starting to go batfuck without any weed. He thinks of all the options, and decides to go with being a maniac.
Eventually, Bird runs out of his pot supply, so he must go to the Cookie Monster (aka "Cookie Mobster), the mafia boss. His strategy got him ownership of every edible - and non-edible - substance in town. The Cookie Mobster gives him a task, to rob each house on the street that still has any cookies, whether they came from him or not. Bird sets off on the task, which takes up a good thirty minutes of the film (but this is the funny part. He robs a guy who saw him stealing and could've easily killed him... except he weighed so much that he had been stuck in the couch for three weeks! And there's another funny part where he steals cookies from a hot 16-year-old girl who's distracted as she's dancing around her house naked!)
When Bird finally has the last 42 cookies the Cookie Mobster doesn't own, he returns to find that the mobster was slaughtered! Red fur at the scene of the crime suggests it was Elmo. He dumps a bag of weed into his mouth. Then, with a supercharged body, he runs after the maniac. He finds him behind the bar, and then we get an action sequence like no other. Elmo gets shot in the shoulder, but he manages to wound Bird by cutting off part of his foot.
Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie experience relationship problems, so they break up. But with Ernie finally alone, Elmo hacks him to bits. Ernie finally realizes what Elmo meant that night, but he is already dead and too late to stop him. Bert is stabbed through the face with an axe about five minutes later.
Big Bird goes to his friend Oscar for help, but he gets distracted by his bitches, and this spins the film into twenty minutes of hardcore sex. But Bird's fun night ends when he hears Elmo's wicked laugh. He comes in and slices Oscar's head off. He also kills the bitches. This is where Bird draws the line and takes out his weapons, and the movie breaks out into a dramatic chase scene.
Elmo attempts to strangle Bird once he corners him, but Bird swings up his knife and slices off half of Elmo's face. Elmo runs and hides. After two full minutes of Bird moving slowly to a dramatic score, Elmo runs out and shoots Bird in his crotch. This rearranges Bird's identity, turning him from a pot-dealing chick-banging gangster to a responsible citizen who bangs chicks in moderation.
Elmo has a brief monologue about his failures in life and how he always wanted to own a jewelry shop, when Bird hacks off his right hand. Blood shoots out of the stump, and Elmo screams for a minute. Then, for killing all his friends (and the bitches), Bird stabs Elmo through the heart, leaving Elmo as a bleeding mass in the basement of a pub.
The hardest part of filming, according to Kevin Bacon (Bird), was making Elmo act each scene right because he Sucked!! To enchance the reality, the director paid Elmo to drink himself out and get high on six different illegal drugs.
“His face would turn pink, and sometimes he'd pass out. The little bastard kept having heart attacks. It's not like we're getting paid by the hour here! Get it right!”
The studio plans to release the DVD for the winter of 2013. It is said to include 3 hours of deleted footage, including the extended scene of Bert and Ernie's breakup, which was leaked onto the internet shortly after its theatrical release:
- Mel Gibson, the co-director
- Jesus Christ
- Sesame Street
- Kevin Bacon
- A Nightmare on Sesame Street 2: We're All Just Puppets!
- Britney Spears
- Paris Hilton, who appears as one of Oscar's murdered bitches
- Ronald McDonald, who appears in a deleted scene as Bert's new boyfriend.