A Separate Peace

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“Homosexuality? Such a foolish ploy by a foolish fool who so foolishly craves attention from other foolish fools whom they have never met.”

~ Franziska Von Karma on A Separate Peace

“Dear lord! This book is gayer than I am!”

~ Oscar Wilde on A Separate Peace
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about A Separate Peace.
The original cover art for "A Separate Peace". Note the differences from the edited cover art.

A Separate Peace (Originally titled "A Separate Peace of Man Meat") is the story of a young homosexual male who attends an all-boy school called "The Devon School". The story takes place somewhere in New Hampshire during World War II.

A Separate Penis[edit]

This book was originally titled "A Separate Peace of Man Meat". It was originally a gay porn novel written by Abraham Lincoln in his "wild days". Lincoln spent many nights writing the epic story in an attempt to show the world that love was not confined to "north-south, man-woman, or black-white" (various combinations are hinted at throughout the novel).

Lincoln's Undoing[edit]

Afraid that Lincoln's book would get more publicity than his, renowned homosexual activist John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln and stole his story in an effort to obtain the better novel. After the heinous act, Mr. Booth proceeded to jump onto the stage from the President's Box in an effort to escape, breaking his leg in the effort. Bone marrow reached his heart after the fall, although any idiot with a Ph.D. in medical stuff can tell you that is physically impossible. Shortly after, he went to see the Doctor to get his leg fixed.

Immediately after getting it published under the pseudonym "John Knowles", Booth was arrested for assassinating the President of the United States. Isn't it funny how life works?

“Oops.”

~ John Wilkes Booth on Unknowingly Assassinating a President

Edited for Content[edit]

Despite being hardcore gay porn, the fact could not be avoided that it was (for the most part) very well written. Because of this, schools began to consider offering it as required reading in their Literature classes, using it to push their pro-homo agenda of buttfuckery. However due to the slightly inappropriate nature of porn, this idea was doomed from the start. As such, an abridged version, cleverly retitled "A Separate Peace", was created. This edition removed all homosexual elements from the story, yet still managed to retain its overall plot. For example, in the book's original ending, Finny did NOT break his leg falling off a tree, but rather falling of the bed after messing around with Gene.

Remaining Homosexual Elements[edit]

Even though the book was harshly edited, some of the original rampant, flaming homosexuality can be seen in a couple sections of the text.

“I threw my hip against his, catching him by surprise, and he was instantly down, definitely pleased. This was why he liked me so much. When I jumped on top of him, my knees on his chest, he couldn't ask for anything better.”

~ A Separate Peace; Page 19

“I noticed that people were looking fixedly at him, so I took a look myself to see why. His skin radiated a red-dish copper glow of tan, his brown hair had been a little bleached by the sun, and I noticed that the tan made his eyes shine with a cool blue-green fire.”

~ A Separate Peace; Page 47

“Phineas, in exaltation, balancing on one foot on the prow of a canoe like a river god, his raised arms invoking the air to support him, face transfigured, body a complex set of balances and compensations, each muscle aligned in perfection with all the others to maintain this supreme fantasy of achievement. his skin slowing between river and sky as though he had transcended gravity and might by gently pushing upward with his foot glide a little bit higher and remain suspended in space, encompassing all the glory of the summer and offering it to the sky.”

~ A Separate Peace; Page 75

“"Over your head? Pink! It makes you look like a fairy!”

~ A Separate Peace; Page 24

“The flaps of his [Brinker's] carbine jacket parted slightly over his healthy rump, and it is that, without any sense of derision at all, that I recall as Brinker's salient characteristic, those healthy, determined, not over-exaggerated but definite and substantial buttocks.”

~ A Separate Peace; page 79

And last but not least, Gene describing, oddly enough, the smell of the school's gym.

“I thought it anything but a bad smell. It was preeminently the smell of the human body after it had been used to the limit, such a smell as has meaning and poignance for any athlete, as it has for any lover.”

~ A Separate Peace; page 113

These quotes are almost all that remains of the original gay manuscript.

Cheat Codes[edit]

Secret Beach scene[edit]

Enter "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start". You should hear Gene sigh if you did it right. You will unlock the hidden beach porn scene. The two pages will magically appear between page 40 and 41 in which Finny and Gene engage in hardcore sex.

Translate book into 1337[edit]

Enter "Up, Up, Right, East, Triangle, 4, 18, Gold". This will translate the entire book into "1337 5|o34|<"

Go directly to last page[edit]

Flip the book over so that the back side is facing up. Open the book and turn back three pages. You will be directly at the last page without even having to start at the first page or use a bookmark to save your progress.

The Devon School[edit]

The main setting for the book is The Devon School of Good Cock Rubbing. It is an all-boy school where every asshole doubled in size because their teachers had throbbing cocks. Anywhere. Contrary to popular belief, The Devon School is not a school for people named Devon, but rather a school where young boys are taught to become more Devon-ish. They learn the basic rules of being a Devon and upon graduation are allowed to legally change their name to Devon. The Devon School is extremely gay.

The school emphasizes three main points:

It should be noted that they only play gay sports at The Devon School, such as Badminton, Croquet, and the slightly more manly Extreme Tea Parties.

John Knowles[edit]

Perhaps you have noted that John Wilkes Booth is transcribed as the original author who used the pseudonym "John Knowles". However, later "Knowles" is reported to have written the spiritual sequel in 1981, more than 100 years after John Wilkes Booth's death.

In 1973, a man named Jim Pickertt stole the name "John Knowles" and claimed to be the author. Nobody called Pickertts's bluff because Americans were too stupid to realize that people don't generally live for 100 years after their reported death.

The tragic thing is, somebody out there who really is named John Knowles is not going to be happy when his neighbors start calling him gay.

One Question Still Remains[edit]

Through all of this turmoil, the question of how Lincoln knew World War II would happen still lingers. Many believe it was simply a lucky guess... Well, not lucky for the Jews, but lucky for him. However, many people have cited this book as evidence that Lincoln predicted World War II. However, he was not alone.

Lincoln's Prediction[edit]

As previously stated, Lincoln spent many nights working on this novel. Lincoln actually wrote the book in less than an hour, masturbating all the time during the process. The bulk of Lincoln's time was spent scouring Nostradamus' Big Ass Book of Predictions for some kind of event in the future. Through great effort, Lincoln was able to interpret this quatrain by Nostradamus:

“For forty years the rainbow will not appear/ The world put into trouble by three brothers/ A strange number, tears from the hooded men/ Lincoln, if you're reading this you'd better not plagiarize me.”

~ Nostradamus on World War II

In an effort to give Nostradamus a better idea of how irony works, he ignored Nostradamus' advice. What did Lincoln get to show for it? A piece of lead through his medulla. Perhaps if he had read the quatrain immediately following that one, the whole thing never would have happened.

“Do not fear the idea thief/ His trial shall be swift and just/ With a fatal wound upon thy head/ Lincoln, your ass is dead.”

~ Nostradamus on Lincoln plagiarizing him

This is a perfect example of karma. Nostradamus has already foreseen your ass getting raped.