A Villa? In Creswell?

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Creswell (pronounced cress-wellll or crezz-wellll by the people who live there, and Shitt-hoe-ell by those who don't) is a village located in England. To describe it would be to say, imagine a turd with people living in it. It is exactly the sort of place that wouldn't have a villa. It does have one of course, several, in fact, but that's because the villagers are retarded and don't realise that calling a house 'Springfield Villa' doesn't automatically make it nice or by the sea.

The Layout[edit]

Creswell has several roads, houses, parks, bus stops, roadkill etc., that are common in most villages.

It also has several areas of interest:

  • The Model Village.

Although it is very small, made entirely using an instruction leaflet and plastic parts, and stuck together with that poly-cement that rots your brain (incidentally, also what the inhabitants have permanently shoved up their nostrils), it is now one of the best parts of Creswell. Which isn't saying much. Having recently undergone a regeneration scheme so that now the number of glass windows finally outnumbers the boarded up ones, it is only a matter of time before the cumulative IQ of the inhabitants falls to 30, and the streets are re-infested with rats (although this is still preferable to the greater vermin, chavs).

  • The Graveyards.

There are many graveyards in Creswell, mostly filled with murder victims. The are so many gravestones that even the abandoned school in the centre of the village is being used as a grave storage facility. There are more dead people in Creswell then living, and many of them walk the streets during the day. They could just be in a permanent stupor from the drugs, but they look pretty dead to me.

  • The Leisure Centre.

Possibly the worst leisure centre ever. No leisure has occurred there in months, not merely due to the fact that it has been stripped of any facilities by chavs for drug money, but also because it has been closed as a result of some terrible disease found in the pool. Don't be worried about that though...if you have entered Creswell then you will have already picked up so many diseases then they will probably start canceling each other out.

  • The Quiet Place.

A place put aside for people to go and remember their lost ones. Also appears to be the local dog toilet.

  • The Nice Part.

A square 10cm by 10cm area found in southern Creswell

The People[edit]

A typical Creswellian.

Some say there are more chavs than particles of oxygen in the air in Creswell. This is not just a metaphor, but is actually true. This is because all the oxygen has been pushed outside to make way for the benzene and tar from the cigarettes, and the fumes from the industrial sector.

There are in fact some attractive girls in Creswell, the only problem being that by the time they are 16, most of them have had three children and are expecting their fourth, smoke constantly and drink nothing but pure vodka.

How do I know if I have spoken to someone from Creswell? You will know by the way you awake on the floor, one hand trying to stop the bleeding from the stab wound, the other massaging the place where your wallet used to be. The correct procedure is to keep your wallet in your breast pocket. That way you can do both with one hand, and have the other hand free to call for help, (or more likely to massage the place where your mobile used to be).

The Shops[edit]

D&G (affectionately known as Dodgy Goods, but hell its true!) seems to be just a front to confuse the police and stop them discovering the crack dens. I mean, it has a hairdressers, which is obviously a front: no one in Creswell has any hair, either because they're a skinhead (usually the girls) or because it has fallen out from the fumes. It also has a florists to provide dead flowers for people to put on the many graves, or to huff along with the local stray kitten population.

Local Opinions Of Creswell[edit]

People from Hodthorpe (pronounced all-soe-ah-shitt-hoe-ell), a small village 'linked' with Creswell through the local council, are jealous because Creswell has a better gardener then them.

People from Whitwell (pronounced whet-far-tt), a larger village closer to Creswell don't give a fuck about the place, they just want to know when they're gonna get their bowling green back! It's not fair, the council robbing us like that! Us old timers need somewhere to go! Grumble grumble...

People from Elmton (pronounced Luk-key-bas-tar-des), a pretty village west of Creswell, just pretend Creswell isn't there, and if asked for directions will direct people to the nearest sewage farm, which is preferable to the real thing in many cases.

Future Plans for Creswell[edit]

There are ideas for tests into how nuclear radiation affects people to take place in Creswell in the near future, but some think this has already happened. Creswell may also be used to give soldiers an idea of what its like in Iraq before they fly out there.