A Visit with your Psychopathic Grandmother
<insert name here>, is that you?!?!
Ohhhhh my goodness! I haven't seen you in such a loooong time! Come here and give your grandmother a hug! OOOOOOHHH you've gotten sooooo BIG! What's that? Oh, that smell... it's COOKIES! I just baked a whole fresh bunch, and now I have somebody else to help me eat them, other than my pet grue, Voldemort. I'm sure you'll love them. Oh, and your Uncle Mort is here too. Yes, he's still not left the house even though he's forty-two years old. He's just a little hanger-on there! Goodness! Why would he randomly say "fondue?" I didn't bake fondue.
Oh well, do you want to come on in?
My, it's cold outside
Oh, here dear. Let me get your jacket for you... there you go! I'm just going to put it in the closet here. I'll just grab a hanger and... what's that?
Oh! Why, yes! I do have a lot of green and brown shirts hanging in this closet. I just love those colors. All my best friends love to wear green and brown shirts. Oh, we like other colors as well... except black. We can't staaaaand black... or yellow... or gays and Jews. What's that? Oh, I didn't say "gays and Jews". I said greys and blues.
Er, anyway, would you like a cookie, dear? Of course you would... you're nothing but skin and bones! I'll just go get one from the kitchen. Oh, these cookies are fresh from the oven, dear. I just baked them a couple of hours ago. Mmmm... smell those almonds! Here you... oops!
Oh, me and my silly butterfingers. Now it's broken all over the floor, and there goes Goering to eat it up. Such a silly dog... always waiting for somebody to drop some food for him to eat. Oh well, let me get you another one from the kitchen. You know, we've had Goering ever since you were a little tyke. Raised him from a puppy, we did. When we...
Oh! I'm so clumsy... I tripped over Goering. Uh-oh! Looks like that cookie isn't sitting well in his stomach. Listen to him moan and cringe. I was afraid those almonds were a wee bit rotten. Well, he'll be back to normal soon. Just look; he's already gone off to sleep. He looks so peaceful, almost like he's not breathing. Such a silly dog!
Now... oh. Are you SURE you don't want the cookie now? OK... I'll just put it here on the table, and you can have it later. In fact, how about I give you a whole bunch of them to take home? Really? Oh, that's great! I'm sure your wife will love them as well. It's so nice to hear you want to share them.
My, I'm getting thirsty
Well, I don't feel like getting right up again. Mort! Can you get us a couple of drinks out of the refrigerator? Mort?! Oh, I think he's just having trouble hearing me.
Moooooort! You don't want to go to the basement again with Voldemort, do you? Oh, Mort always hated going to the basement. That's what we used to do to him as a kid. I remember when he tried smoking one time. Oh, we took him to the basement and made him put out the cigarette, but wouldn't you KNOW... he fell on the cigarette and burned his skin. Then he tried to get up, and it happened again... and again... and again... and again. Oh, he's always been somewhat clumsy. Kept telling everybody he accidentally touched the stove, he did.
Oh, there he is! Look at him, such a cuuuute face. Oh, quit frowning, Mort... SMILE!! Oh, he's always been somewhat of a sourpuss, haven't you, you cutesy-wootsy little man? Yes, you're just a-DOR-able! Oh, he's always been like that. See? He's telling himself to buck up under his breath. That's better.
Why, did I tell you about the one time when he was a kid? Why, I remember it like it was just yesterday. It was during one winter. I remember it well because of how much it snowed... nice, white snow. Anyway, your Uncle Mort was outside playing with his hooligan friends, throwing snowballs at everybody passing in the street. Well, I was coming back from the store... I remember I went to buy bratwurst for our old dog Benito because he asked me to. Such a silly dog! Anyway, your Uncle didn't know who I was at first, so he threw a snowball at me and knocked the groceries out of my arms.
Well, I've always liked having a little fun, so I decided to get in on the action. I grabbed a shovel off the porch and started swinging it at Mort's friends. Oh, you should have seen them scatter! They were all having so much fun, they were screaming at the tops of their lungs, especially whenever I managed to whack one of them in the head. They were such funny kids, and SO creative! Why, they each came up with a game where, whenever I hit one in the head, they'd fall down and start making snowangels! Isn't that nice? Oh, they must not have made them before though; each time, they only moved their arms in short, fast movements, then gave up. Then, Voldemort dragged them all into the basement. I never actually saw them again after that. Well, for Mort I had even more fun. I made him strip off his clothes and stand stark naked on the sidewalk with a sign around his neck that said, "I AM A DUMBASS KID... THROW A SNOWBALL AT MY NUTS." Oh, your Uncle got sooooo cold standing there, but I'm sure he was having fun. Why, the people passing by were amazed at how much fun we were having, they couldn't help but stop and stare at Mort and his blue little cheeks! Oh, those were the days.
Well, that was a long... Mort? Where did you go?
Oh, THERE you are! Oh, he's in the kitchen trying to be funny. No, he's just sticking his head in the oven again. He does that from time to time... he always forgets the oven is electric, silly boy! See? Listen to his cries of laughter. Oh, I love having him around.
Oh, I've got to show you something!
Oh, you just HAVE to see these toys from when your father and uncle were children. I kept them all in here under this nice red blanket. What's that? There's a funny black symbol on there? Oh, never mind that. I think it looks nice, especially surrounded by all that white in the center. Whiiiiiite........
Say! Look at this nifty little thing! Oh, this was a lovely little toy. It's kinda like a Chinese finger trap. You just put your finger in here and pull the string. SLICE! See? Just look at that blade come down. Oh, it did cause a little cut that caused some blood. Blood... bloooooooooooooddddd... Oh, sorry. I must have dazed off for a second. Oh well, I guess that happens a lot at my age! Tee-hee!
Say, look at this! Why, it's the first book I ever bought for your Uncle. Look! It's even got that lovely symbol from the sheet on it! I always liked that symbol. The book is nice, too! It was written by a man who was in prison at the time, and he became a great leader later! Oh, I think I have a picture of him here in the book... lemme see... yes! Here he is. Oh, look at that funny little moustache on him. He looks SOOOOOO adorable... I could just see that moustache wiggle back and forth so CUTELY! Just like Charlie Chaplin. What a silly boy!
Oh, speaking of pictures, I have this nice poster here from a nice man from Britain. Oh, this poster hung over Mort's bed for MANY years. I don't know WHY he took it down. He was a good leader, too. Oh, he reminds me of that John Cleese character. Oh, I think he was just as funny, talking about ruling Britain and all that with his "Facial Regiment." Oh, he had a lot of people follow him, probably because his face was so cute from the regiment. I liked him. What, dear? The arm? Oh, that was just a muscle spasm. It causes my arm to go up and straight like that sometimes. He-he-he-he-heeeeeeeeeeee..................
Oh, here are some toys of Mort's. I really like this one. It's a Bobby Fischer doll from the 1960s. I got it for your Uncle after he beat that chess player from the Soviet Union. Look! It even has a pull string. I wonder if it still works... <pulllll>
The Jews want to kill everybody! <pulllll>
CHECKMATE, MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Oh, isn't that nice?
Oh, you need to go?
All right, dear. Well, it was soooo good to see you again. Lemme get your jacket... what? You don't need it? All right, but you're going to get cold. Come here and give me another hug. OOOOOHHHHHH. Lemme put my hands on your shoulders... on your throat... juuuust a bit tighter... tiiiiiighter....
Wait! Where are you going? Oh, I guess you have to run off, but I've never seen anybody literally doing it. What about your car? Oh, I guess you'll come back for it later. Bye, dear!
Such a silly boy...
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| Article written in the style of its subject|
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